#pumpkinramblings

Every horror movie or thriller, that uses the killing of animals in general and pets of the main characters specifically, has to donate parts of their wining to some kind of charity that works to prevent animal abuse or cares for stray animals.

Just something.

... I should not watch episodes while waiting for the train. 

I hope, this is okay, and that you will still enjoy what I post and what I will write in the long run.

SPOILERS and TW: sexual abuse/assault

Okay, Ive watched the show completely, saw some critiques on the historical accuracy of the costumes, some reviews of the show and I’m not here to talk about any points of quality, for which I’m also not qualified. 

One thing, that gets often discussed is that sexual abuse/assault scene towards the end of the movie as part of the conflict between Daphne and Simon.  And yes, I completely agree, Daphne’s action was wrong, the show downplayed what she did and it feeds into a greater narrative of the media not taking sexual abuse/assault of men very seriously. 

The thing, that still sticks with me is, that Daphne and women in general in that show are shown to not have much knowledge about about sex or how you get actually pregnant and such. Simon is in that matter more knowledgeable than Daphne and he knows it as seen earlier in the show.  And what happens with him telling the lie of. not being able to have children is he’s taking advantage of her lack of knowledge and banking on the fact that she would not understand what he does by pulling out and such. It’s therefore a form of a patronizing action, in my opinion, that implies a way of looking down on her, over which I then find she’s rightfully angry. In no way does that make her following actions in any way, but I feel that there’s not just an anger about being lied to, but also a sense shame, when she finds out how he played her. Also I think, that the way he was open about the first sexual thing earlier made her trust him in that matter because nobody else talks to women about these things. 

Sidenote: Would it have been that bad to simply say ‘I don’t want children and I know you want to, so this will not work out’ instead of playing that other card? Talk to each other, people.

And I actually - maybe naively so - think, that if it had been true, that Simon could not have children, without that lie, it would have worked.  I know, there's probably the thought, that if he had been honest, she would've ended up trying to ‘change his mind’ and that would have been a completely different conflict, but then tell that story. 

I don’t know, it’s just that I found while this was in bigger parts the usual thing about one person wants children, the other not, and the woman forces it onto the husband and the assault is brushed over because they get happy, it did not develop the same way it usually does because Simon took advantage of Daphne’s lack of knowledge and I found that disrespectful and feel her anger wasn’t just about being lied to.

So, yeah, it’s been a while since I watched the show, but this stuck with me and I just wanted to wrote it down.

“You graded yourself lower than both of the others.”

And I went “Yes.”

Then he asked “Why?”

I had nothing to say, because I was stunned silent by the fact, that that was even a question. Why? What do you mean why? Isn't it the normal thing to judge yourself lower like this? What do you mean, others have a stronger self-confidence?

I just got around to muttering something like “I always do that.”

Here are some of my thoughts after about 3 semesters of art classes at the university. Mostly this post will be a way for me to get some closure on things or just sharing thoughts about what I experienced and how I decided to deal with it.

Disclaimer: This is based on individual experiences at ONE university in Germany not an art school and therefore this is not how it is everywhere. I’m studying art for a teaching degree that goes up till high school, I think. (I mean, I’m already glad about getting our school system.) 

A common experience for people, who get into art at university (sometimes in school already) from a past in Fandoms and Fanart is that teachers are not a fan of comic/manga art styles. No news there. Still me being me, and being sometimes seriously stubborn I still drew my stuff in that style for classes. (My professors were thrilled.) I even sneaked in some fanart and got away with it, it’s a fun game when you’re not out for the highest grades.

Now, let’s get something out of the way right from the start. 

When teachers tell you, that you should draw something other than manga (and everything that falls under that category) or what they qualify as such, they are right about it. They usually mean abstract or realistic drawings or different materials. 

1. Drawing realistically is important to improve your skill, doing life drawing studies and portrait practices is important because you need those basics (understanding of light and shadow, anatomy, ...) to also improve your more stylized work, where you can develop the habit of cheating your way out of drawing sometimes difficult things. (I did it, it happens because sometimes your lazy or stubborn in not the best way.) These things will help you improve your stylized work in the end. It’s like the stretches and other side things you need to do for a sport. You can do it without, but it won’t get you as far. (Also drawing realistically or semi-realistically with paints, to practice lighting and such.)

2. Drawing abstract can be a fun experience and to break out of the very controlled environment of lineart, realism ... so sure, something you should try. Throw a brush against a big canvas and see what you get, and what it feels like.

3. Using different materials is also a journey worth taking. Drawing with a ballpoint pen, with a marker, with a colored pencil etc. (then pick the ones you enjoy the most)

When all you’ve done so far is drawing with the same materials the same things, teachers are right to tell you to try out some new things. If after that you decide, that the stylized manga/comic work you did is the most fun, go back to that (though keep those things of #1 in mind). For me it was i.e. after using acrylic paints and drawing abstract paintings for a while, I decided, that black and white lineart is what I enjoy more, so I went back to dip pen and india ink.

With this being said, I noticed more and more over the course of the last three semesters was that I was told repeatedly that ‘I should get out of my comfort zone’ and ‘try something else than my usual stuff’. The thing was, that as far as I knew, I was mostly the only one being told to ‘try get out of my comfort zone’, which became increasingly annoying, when you had classes with the concept of ‘Oh, you can try everything here, go for whatever you like’ or ‘Draw things, that interest you and you can do that from life or from imagination, you’re just not allowed to use photographs.’

And at first, I thought, ‘Hey, cool, I can be free in the choice of motive’, but then discovered rather quickly, that it was ‘Do what you want ... but not that.’ for me.  Example: Last semester we had the appointment of practicing drawing light and shadow with cross-hatching and I did a sketch of a little water bowl with a boat in it and fish jumping around that, incorporating cross-hatching and other methods to create light and shadow with a pencil. I got the note on that one, that the technique was good, but maybe I should ‘try something different’, which I assume is a nod towards the motive I chose. 

And that’s pretty much what it boils down to, in general for me, that you have minimal limitations to what to draw, just for the method of how you do it mostly, but when I ask them what this ‘different thing’ is, that I should try, it’s usually just ‘something else than what you already do’ without that being an actual part of the assignment. Like when we were told to fill a sketchbook with drawings of either from real life or imagination, I think I have the choice to draw my OCs, but it’s always that ‘Oh, I see you do a lot of that manga art’ comment, that comes with the evaluation. And I just think ‘Yes, I do, because I enjoy it, because it’s the most interesting thing to me that I have come across so far’.

Also, imagine somebody always drawing realistically and being in that class, how likely would it be, that the teacher would tell them to ‘get out of their comfort zone’ and try a more cartonn-y style? I don’t see that happening and that’s exactly my issue.

Now, I spent a lot of time ranting about this issue with friends, my parents and inside my head. I got a lot of advice of how to handle it.  1. Suffer through it and draw what they like to see to get higher grades and happy teachers. -> perfectly good option if it works for you, for me it doesn’t due to my art being quite closely linked to my mental health recently because last year things happened that I could have lived without. I’d probably run myself into the ground or die of boredom, especially with the constant guessing game of ‘What would the prof like?’ (Because even when you don’t draw manga-style things, they can still tear you down.) -> Also, we have to present the things we did for a class at the end of it in a short presentation in which we among other things have to say why we decided to do things the way we did and the answer ‘I don’t know, I actually couldn’t care less about this drawing and thought about burning it twice’ is not a good choice. (I think, I actually burned one this winter, and my professor wasn’t amused despite him complaining about it before.)

2. Be a stubborn idiot a.k.a. my route.  Stick to their guidelines, but take your freedom with the stuff they leave unsaid and get lower grades, but still pass.  -> Get used to awkward comments and constant ‘Hmmm’s when showing your stuff. -> There’s always that undertone of what they want you to do/draw, but I usually pretend to be deaf to that. 

Now, a last thing about manga/comic art. My main issue in this is, that this kind of stylized art is often written off as some ‘childhood hobby’, the ‘cringe phase’ of an artist, but while not every anime/manga is a master piece of composition, color theory, etc. there are some that are just stunning and with looking at everything that falls under this category, it has an amazing range. (Don’t get me started on the depth of emotional story telling, mangas can achieve with only black, white and grey - often only black and white.)  I’m seriously getting fed up with people/society writing is off completely as just ‘the wrong kind of stylization’. Some artists in this field have incredible technical skills and ideas and these are not diminished in any way by their choice of motive or by their way of drawing eyes.  Not to mention, that I think it’s an incredibly imaginative field (with some weird stuff, but that is bound to happen when you really let loose.)

And in the end, I think, that most teachers at school or university have no idea anyway to define what everything is ‘manga/anime’ and don’t know about the actual range of the field, they just see a piece in that style and their systems shut down, which is exhausting.

In no way do I want to talk down about other art forms, but I think, that when the baseline of your teaching is, that ‘everything can be art’, you don’t get to play favorites. I have no problem with the weirdest concepts of modern art and I respect the artists for living their passion and creating things, but what I have an issue with is being told, that my interests and my passion is the wrong kind.