Not to expose that I’m going thru it Again (got triggered reading something today) but like so many of my friendships sort of operated on this basis of sex = value unquestioned for so long that like. IDK what to even think. Like if you all remember the phase I went thru in referring to myself as a ‘whore’ constantly to attempt to reclaim my identity as a sex worker... that maladaptive coping was Bad. I was living w/my mother (who groomed me) and her best friend of 6 years (guy who is a year younger than me but has a Serious sexual harassment problem) and now it’s like I can’t Not see potential sexual harassment jokes like Everywhere anymore. 

The thing nobody tells you about unlearning grooming is the fact that... there are a lot of messages, everywhere, trying to convince you that sex = value. That if you become a person who is open to sex, or open to sexual comments or interactions, that you are more valuable. Or that you have No Value unless you are open to these things. Obviously this is an extremely unhealthy personal relationship to have to the concept of sexual content at all. But the other thing nobody tells you about unlearning this is that there’s not a lot of resources about it that are easy to find. you have to be the one to take the reins and figure it out. I’m lucky because I have friends who are genuinely understanding and caring and they hold me up to decent, normal people standards, and they will call me out if they see me being unhealthy and be forthright with which they think I’m like, hurting myself with. I did not get these friendships thru manipulation like a lot of people who have hurt me (esp. my mother) want to believe. I got these friendships by being open about my mistakes and who I am and what I want to do and what kind of relationships I want to have and how badly I Don’t want to be engaging in behavior like this. 

The thing is is that... people are nervous about breaking or messing with friendship dynamics. they don’t have a whole lot of ways of saying “hey I think that’s fucked up”. That’s why when I wrote the sexual harassment between friends document I tried to include lines about how to say “knock it off” and “hold on a minute” but it’s fucking hard! I had to learn how to do stuff like this all on my own and with no guides and thru trial and error. 

The trend that Case Files has with taking Waver, a man who has severe PTSD and depression, and putting him in situations where his sexuality is questioned or humiliated or even putting him in situations where his students attempt to sexually assault him or insinuate that he could/would/should do so, is nothing short of gross not just for the audience to witness but also for the character. It’s distressing, genuinely, to have to see him in that kind of environment; to know that he’s one of the few instructors who cares about his students enough to make them unlearn their harmful behaviors at that, and yet it seems that said students who have been groomed by others are more than willing to attempt to “corrupt” him so to speak. 

And it’s a big part of that like, mage vs human dichotomy discussion where people comment on how Waver carries himself as a person who is desperately trying to balance being both at the same time rather than just a mage or just a human. That’s why he’s labelled a heretic; because he outright rejects the ideologies that upper class mage society purveys in order to be a more effective teacher to his students. A mage girl is not just a womb in wait. A mage boy is not just magic circuits that need to be snatched up by a family; a mage doesn’t have to engage in destructive behaviors in order to survive. 

Waver states repeatedly he doesn’t want to hear things from his sister that insinuate pedophilic incest; he makes note of how students will attempt to come on to teachers and so it’s not good to have the door closed; he tells Yvette that he could never do something so immoral as to have her, a teen girl who is his student, as a lover; he is stated that he’d never have a romantic relationship with Gray by Sanda himself in an interview; he reacts with shock and sheer embarrassment when he accidentally opens Luvia’s room in Adra; he assigns Yvette a self-study to have her understand why he doesn’t sit next to her or engage her when she starts talking about sexual things. 

I've dealt with a lot of groomed teens before in the past. There is no doubt that a society that purveys certain ideas about sexuality as “okay/acceptable” for teens to engage in is at fault. I’ve suffered the some of same issues as Waver had, where you have to reinforce yourself as a normal person who isn’t interested in those sorts of things to teens who don’t know any better. I’ve helped teens unlearn their grooming before, many, many times. I know what he’s going through on a personal level, and I just want to say that it hurts to know. 

I don’t like it, at all, that they keep doing this to him. It’s just not funny that he’s the subject of these sorts of jokes. The incest jokes from Reines, which - by all means, I understand why she’s doing it. I’ve had an analysis post planned on why she does it for like, ages - the mistress jokes from Yvette, the jokes from Add towards Gray about her assaulting him, too... I just don’t understand why it’s necessary to subject him to all of this. I know that it’s by and large part of a larger overarching narrative about why he chooses to balance his self as a mage and as a human, but it still stings like a fresh wound when I read or listen to material and find out that he knows, he understands, on a personal level, some of the torment I’ve had to go through when dealing with the workings of a society keen on grooming teenagers into ruining their lives. 

And again, this funnels in to my half-joking feelings about “being” him - I was genuinely caught off guard when I listened last night and found out he was almost sexually assaulted. I found myself feeling incredibly angry and like I wanted to physically be there and support him, explicitly because I understood that I didn’t deserve what happened to me, either. Explicitly because part of me wanted to go back and somehow protect the ‘me’ that was hurt in the first place. When I say I see myself in Waver, and I understand that... the things that I love about Waver so dearly are also the things I like about myself, it’s also the fact that some of the negative things he does are things that I do, the way that he talks and reacts to the world is deeply similar to the way that I do, the morals and principles he has are the same as mine, and there are things that I know that changed my life that I know would change his. I feel like... I’m only a few steps ahead of him. Only a few. 

I felt an incredible rage when it all hit me? 

I was angry that he was going through any of this because I understand what it’s like to go through it on a personal level. Having no emotional supports, having no peers; caring for others because it’s the right thing to do. Not hurting others because it’s the right thing to do. I was furious because I was also angry at my own circumstances when I lived like that. I have better supports now; I have friends I can talk to about my issues who care about me. I’ve been supported by others in the past year alone and it’s done a lot for me. I want for him what I had wanted for myself for so long. When I think about it all, I just get angry and upset that he has to go through any of it alone; and knowing that there’s nothing I can do makes it even more aggravating.