I was mentally ill enough at the time given my household, but realizing something else was wrong felt like adding a block to an already unstable tower.
I got diagnosed with scoliosis, kyphosis and lordosis. Basically my spine was twisting itself in ways it shouldn't. I kept getting asked if I felt pain and I didn't, I was running around like a healthy kid would, if healthy kids limped.
I wasn't worried about getting surgery. I wasn't in pain anyway, I had a close friend who went through spinal fusion a year prior without issue, my bio parents assured me this was better than a back brace and my surgeon said the only risk was a very low chance of paralysis.
The surgery got done and was called a success. After that, the adults around me would look at me with an expression I can only describe as disgust.
The medical staff, the physiotherapists, the school staff, my parents all got tired of me before the 6 month recovery period.
During recovery my spine hurt, which of course was expected, but I also felt a burning pain across my lower body that hurt so much more. That wasn't something anyone was expecting, so I got dismissed as a lazy runt who didn't exercise. Again, I was doing physiotherapy.
Then, the six months were over. I was still in pain. The surgeon insisted that I was completely healthy and that I was not impaired from doing any activity. Everyone acted like I was fine. Maybe I was fine.
I gave up martial arts, I gave up sports, I gave up dancing. Rollercoasters and the likes gave me no enjoyment, not that I was allowed in but I got pushed to go. People would laugh and take advantage of me if they found out I moved weird. I was afraid of breaking whatever was broken in me even more, unlike my fearless pre-surgery self. My options for careers dwindled, not that I thought I'd live to adulthood.
I gave up asking for help. I gave up prioritizing my health. I gave up believing in myself. I'm busy anyway, work is more important after all.
I'm trying hard to unlearn those beliefs. I'm still hurting.
Chronic pain is like breathing polluted air. You can get so used to it that it won't smell weird to you anymore, but that doesn't mean it's harming you any less.
