#prsonal

Okay, I've gotten to a stable enough place now where I can explain what's been going on. A series of events and circumstances have made it very hard to write recently. For the record, if anyone's worried, I am safe, and alive. But my body is a mess.

(warning. long post, discussions of religious trauma, and upbringing. triggering content under the cut.)

So I finished moving into my college dorm recently, right? Everything has been transported from my old location to my new one. But, it came at a high cost. It involved going back and forth between my car and my new dorm several times during 100+ degree weather. My new location is hotter than my old location, which, given that it's California, does me no favors. Check out the weather for this week.

YIKES.

So the first day of my move in, I lugged several boxes around, an estimated 200 pounds of stuff, over hot tarmac and through the resident halls. After that, I went shopping, because I essentially have to build my apartment from scratch. All that was included was a fridge, an oven, a desk, a couch, and a bed. All the little things I took for granted in my old living spaces, trash cans, shower curtains, pots and pans, all the little appliances and gadgets and plates and bowls and everything one needs to have a nice living situation.

I bought a crapload of stuff. Then, I went grocery shopping because the fridge was empty and the drive was far enough that I couldn't transport food from one location to the next. All in 105+ degree weather. I'm on my own, I have no roommates, I'm doing all the literal and figurative heavy lifting while I get myself set up.

The next day, I did almost the exact same thing. I went shopping 3 times for different items in terrible weather.

The day after that... I did it again. Three more shopping trips, heavy lifting, and heat exhaustion. If you'd like to call me a fool at this point, I wouldn't blame you.

On top of that, the tap water where I live is terrible, so I've also had to buy gallons of water in bulk and lug those around. I've stocked up for the week ahead, because- good lord, this hot weather is killer. At the time of this sentence, it's 7PM and 107 out. You have my promise, whatever it's worth, that everything I'm telling you is actually real. On top of that, I've moved far enough away from everyone I know that there's no one I can call over and have them lend a hand. This isn't a 'I will never see my friends again' thing, it's a 'few people are available to drop everything and make a major commute out to see me and help.'

And between all of this, I was also writing and posting.

On the fourth night, I don't know what happened, but my best guess is that everything caught up with me at once. I was washing dishes one moment, then I had a hard time catching my breath the next. I leaned against the sink heavily, and couldn't do anything. I could not move. I stumbled to bed and collapsed for a while. And I've struggled with basic tasks ever since.

The other problem I have is due to the way I was conditioned as a kid. Any and all spare energy is supposed to be devoted to tasks. Even this morning, I ended up screwing myself over in the long run.

'Hmm. I have some energy again. Fantastic! I'll clean the oven!' - the thought process of the utterly deranged. (me)

So let's tally up everything.

The stress of moving and the anxiety of beginning another chapter of life

Hot weather and a lot of heavy lifting

Seeing loved ones less

Refusing to take breaks

Trauma based thinking (which I'll get into in a moment)

Turning my favorite hobby into a 'must work' thinking pattern

Classes starting soon

Refusal to disappoint others by taking time off of writing

Extreme anxiety tendencies

I haven't finished unpacking due to the above things, so the apartment is a mess.

Folks, that is the perfect storm for severe burnout, if there ever was one.

Now I'm going to tell you why this is happening. I've got pretty decent self insight, and I know how this combination happened. I don't go into detail about my past often, because I generally like to keep this blog a pleasant place. It's also why drama from inside the inbox doesn't get published. That being said, and i'm bastardizing the phrase here,

An explanation isn't always for the reader. Sometimes we (the writers) need to parse out our thoughts as well.

Underneath the cut, I'm going to talk about my upbringing, and the cause of current thought patterns. (tw: emotional abuse, religious trauma)

Hanggang ngayon di ko pa din alam kung san ako magaling, san ako magsstay, san ako magssettle. Sometimes, i envy those people na alam nila kung anong gusto nila, some set their goals and finally reached them. Some were already confident if you ask them kung kamusta na sila. Kasi ako, i did get what i am aiming for my career dati pa. Pero ginive up ko din cos i knew that wasn't for me. I'm already at the age na dapat stable na ako sa career ko. But i didn't expect na, until now i'm still wandering if ano ba tlaga ako. I don't want to be someone lang kasi gusto ko i have my own purpose, to be a blessing and memorable to everyone that knows me. Still --- i'm here, still have no clue what i wanted with my life. And that is one of the reason na all of a sudden my anxiety attacks me.

Last week via vc i told my mom everything i am worrying about, naging honest lang ako. And i cannot forget what my mom replied, that "Life is not just about Career, job or achieving goals. Your position or job description in the company doesn't define you, doesn't define the whole you.

Remember, you have a life outside the workplace, you have a family that treat you as a daughter and sister not just an employee or co workers. You have a church that you are enjoying to showcase your talent and to serve God. You have friends, true friends that enjoys your company. You can still be a blessing, an inspiration, and do your purpose to others kahit di mo naabot yung akala mong don lang umiikot yung buhay.