This morning was an especially hard morning to wake up for work. Not because I was hungover, but because I clocked out at 11:30 Saturday night (after a 9 hour shift and 3 hours in the sun at the WVU game). Then I was up for a couple hours in the middle of the night,comforting an upset friend. So, getting up at 7 for work was a little rough, to say the least lol.

ANYWAY. Point being, I was sleepy. Sleepy Kyla in a hot shower = a lot of thinking.

I never think I'm pregnant. Never. Even if I have a reason to think I am, I always dismiss it. Blessing or curse, I'm not sure. But I never freak out.

For some reason, though, this morning I was kind of worrying. I'd missed my pill 2 days in a row (by a few hours, because I forgot to take it with me to work) and it kinda slipped off at the end the other day. Again, normally I wouldn't think twice about it. But sleepy Kyla spaces and thinks more than normal. ANYWAYYY...

I began to think about abortions.

Would I be able to get one if I was prego? I'm pretty sure it's common knowledge that I love babies a whole lot and cannot wait to be a mother. Which, maybe, is the reason I never really think twice about the possibility of being pregnant. It just doesn't bother me.

But now, now that I have a much, much better understanding of what my future entails I'm second-guessing my once personal anti-abortion stance.

And this is where I digress for a second.

Note: personal. Note: anti-abortion, not pro-life. I mean, honestly. Is anyone really anti-life?! Hardly. We talked about this in my cultural anthropology class last year, about language frames. Saying "pro-life" almost makes you feel guilty if you say you aren't pro-life. Anti-abortion means the same thing, but it's not as emotional. The same goes for pro-choice. Pro-choice sounds better than pro-abortion.

Note: personal. I see the issue of abortion as a completely personal decision. If a woman is okay with getting one, then why the hell not. Me personally, though, I don't know if I could. Morally, I don't think i agree with it, for myself. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't have the choice.

Digression complete. Back to what was originally on my mind. Something less political ahaha.

Abortion. Me. My life.

If I was pregant, would I get an abortion? In the past, no. But now?

I'm not in a relationship. We're friends, and we have been for about 2 years, but we're not in a love relationship. 

If I was going to get one, would I even bring it up to him? Or is it my choice? I'm pretty certain he couldn't deal with a baby right now, either. He, just like I, is planning on grad school. I mean, hell. He's not even from the U.S. What would his African family think of him knocking up an American girl? Surely he wouldn't want it. But would I owe it to him to ask his opinion?

Would I be able to handle it emotionally? My attachment to children. My yearning to be as good of a mama as my mama has been. I really don't think I oculd do it.

But I would need to.

ADladflkjlkjdf random thoughts. Stressing me out ahaha. I need to cool my engine for awhile.