#protectivefactors

By Gabriel Sena, M.A., LPCC

What does walking a mile in someone’s shoes truly mean? They say that one cannot truly know what someone else has experienced without stepping into their shoes and experiencing the event for their self. But is that really enough to KNOW what a person has been through? We believe each life event is individually specific and that these experiences are filtered based on who we are as individuals and what we are as human beings.

As a clinician in the field of psychotherapy I often challenge myself to use Empathy and understand the difference between Empathy and Sympathy. Putting it simply, empathy is “feeling with” an individual, while sympathy is “feeling sorry for” a person and their situation. In order to help create positive results in my work it takes all of my being to exude unconditional positive regard (non-judgment), congruence (being real), and empathy. These three attitudes are known as Carl Rogers’ Core Conditions that he believed a therapist should embody in order to show acceptance of the client, valuing them as a being of worth.

Focusing on empathy and being able to walk a mile in the shoes of another, I continue to find it difficult to understand how to recognize how someone feels by simply experiencing a similar event, tragedy or traumatic situation. Early on in my life and on multiple occasions following my training, I have crossed paths with family, friends and strangers who use the phrase “I know how you feel, I have been through that before.”

First and foremost, an empathic response, feeling with another person, while experiencing a painful event, may need a friend to simply listen, be present or allow the grieving person to weep, reminisce or be in silence. It is a challenge; it is an art to sense what may be needed in that moment.

Secondly, we are all individuals who have been through different experiences in life. We were raised differently, had different events that shaped our lives, our world-views and our mere existence. Therefore, using the phrase “I know how you feel” somewhat diminishes the feelings of another, because in reality we will never truly know.  We should recognize that no two experiences of the same event are the same. This can be identified by our upbringing, our genetic code and how we respond to stimuli, tragedy or difficult times. Our identity varies greatly, and is dependent on our own individual protective factors, or lack thereof.

What is a Protective Factor you might ask? Dr. Bruce Perry, of the Child Trauma Academy identifies protective factors as those family members, friends, community resources, supports and functional environments that surround us to create a safety net that we are able to utilize in times of a traumatic event, daily struggle and undeniable pain.  Without these protective factors, a child’s innate resilience alone is not enough to overcome unforgiving life events.

What happens when these protective factors are not present? This disconnectedness, lack of support and instability can lead to stress, heartache and ongoing pain. So the next time we try to walk in someone else’s shoes, we have to understand and take into consideration that individual experience (nature and nurture) determines a human’ s response to trauma, pain and sorrow, not necessarily the occurrence itself.

For me to walk a mile in your shoes I would have to precisely understand each and every detail of your life, in order to begin to grasp on an intimate level what you have experienced.