#protecticarus

They both made their way to the door which was immediately flown open before either of them had the chance to even entertain the idea of ringing the doorbell.

Amanda threw her hands around her brother’s neck in a quick hug. ”Thank fuck you’re here, I’ve been alone with them for like an hour.” She said and then moved onto wrap Dirk in a quick hug of his own.

”Sorry, we left late. Dirk couldn’t decide on a tie.” Todd said.

Dirk rolled his eyes. ”Right, that and Todd pretended to have a headache and contemplated calling in sick. From Christmas.” He replied.

Amanda gave Todd a dirty look. ”Wimp.” She said.

”Shut up. Both of you.” Said Todd and finally stepped into the house with Amanda and Dirk on his heels.

As soon as they entered the house, they were met with the sharp ringing of the smoke detector.

”Guys, Todd and Dirk are here!” Amanda yelled over the alarm.

”Come in, come in!” Came the reply from the direction of the kitchen.

The trio made their way toward the voice and the alarm.

”Mom, is something on fire?” Todd asked as they entered the kitchen to see Todd’s mother surrounded by grey smoke.

”Of course not, Todd, you know that alarm is too sensitive.” Todd’s mother replied nonchalantly and took a sip of her white wine.

”Smoke detectors tend to react to smoke.” Amanda said.

”Yeah, well, a little smoke never hurt anybody.” Came the reply.

”I wouldn’t put money on that.” Amanda remarked.

Suddenly the alarm quieted down. ”Got it!” Yelled Todd’s father from somewhere in the house.

”Thanks babe!” His wife replied. Then her eyes finally landed on Dirk. ”Oh you must be Dirk! So nice to meet you honey, sorry for the smell.” She said and put down her wine glass.

”Hello Mrs. Brotzman. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.” Dirk replied in a nervous voice. ”I hope it’s alright that I-” He was cut off by Todd’s mother wrapping him in a surprisingly strong hug.

”The moment Todd mentioned you had no family in the States I knew we had to have you over for Christmas! Lucky us you’re not from here, huh? Gosh that accent is adorable by the way, I totally see the appeal.” She said and patted Dirk’s cheek after pulling away from the hug.

”Jesus, mom.” Todd groaned.

”T-Thank you, Mrs. Brotzman.” Dirk replied, quite taken aback by the friendly welcome.

Todd’s mother made a face like she’d smelled something bad - other than whatever had just set off the smoke detector. ”Ugh, no, Mrs. Brotzman is my mother-in-law. Please call me Jo, Joanna if I’m in trouble.” She said.

Dirk smiled and let his shoulders drop a little in relief. ”Alright. Jo, then.” He said.

Jo smiled back and patted Dirk on the shoulder. ”Good kid.”

”Who’s being a good kid? Surely not any of ours?” Said Todd’s father as he stepped into the kitchen.

”Dad…” Groaned Todd and Amanda.

Jo laughed. ”Of course not. This is Dirk.” She told her husband.

”Ah yes, how’s it going, Dirk? I’m Thomas.” He said and extended his hand to Dirk.

”It’s… Good. Going good. Thank you for having me, Mr. Brotzman.” Replied Dirk as he shook Thomas’ hand.

”Told you, it’s Thomas.” Insisted Thomas.

Dirk gave an awkward smile. ”Ah, yes, Thomas. Of course.” He said.

”Good to have you here with us, Dirk. Jo and I were just saying how it’s about damn time.” Said Thomas.

Dirk blushed. ”Why thank you, Thomas. I’m very happy to have been invited.” He said.

Todd furrowed his brow in confusion. Had he even talked about Dirk that much to his parents? In fact, he’d made the conscious effort not to, as much of Dirk was impossible to explain without explaining… Well, Dirk. So why were they so eager to meet the guy?

”Wine anyone? We can have a drink in the living room while the ham calms down.” Said Jo.

”You should know that in this house we have to hope for mom’s cooking to ’calm down’ before we attempt to eat it.” Amanda fake-whispered to Dirk.

”Oh hush you.” Said Jo. ”So we’re not a family of chefs! We have other strengths.” She added.

”I’ll drink to that.” Said Thomas while he poured himself a glass of red wine. ”Dirk, are you a red or white kind of guy?” He asked.

Dirk froze. ”Uh, I… I suppose-”

”Red, right? Cause it’s richer, more… Fruity.” Todd jumped in.

Dirk looked grateful for the interruption. ”Yes. Red, that’s right.”

”Great, I won’t be the only one emptying the bottles of red tonight! These three won’t give up the white.” Thomas said.

”That’s because it’s better.” Said Amanda.

”Here, here!” Said Jo and raised her glass in a toast.

Thomas nudged Dirk. ”They just don’t get it.” He said.

Dirk didn’t even care that he’d never actually tasted a drop of red wine, he just enjoyed the feeling of camaraderie with Todd’s father. Dirk smirked at Todd, as if to say ’look, look how well it’s going.’ Todd rolled his eyes fondly at Dirk. As he turned away, he caught his mother’s eye, who gave him a look he couldn’t quite read. It was a warm look though, similar to the teasing ones she’d given him before he revealed what an asshole he was. Todd felt his throat tighten at the warmth of the look, and quickly poured some wine down it.

”Let’s move to the living room to chat, I want to know all there is to know about you, Dirk!” Said Jo and began leading the way to the living room.

”And by all she means-” Todd began.

”All that has nothing to do with time traveling, soul swapping or alternate dimensions, I know.” Said Dirk.

Once seated around the living room - Dirk, Todd and Amanda on the couch, Jo and Thomas snuggly on an old armchair facing the couch - Jo leaned forward and gripped her glass tight. ”So, Dirk. Tell me.” She said.

Dirk blinked a few times in silence. ”Tell you…?” He questioned.

”Everything!” Jo clarified.

”How about we start with: where are you from? England?” Asked Thomas.

”Yes, England.” Dirk replied. ”Not much to say about it though, I came here when I was quite young.”

”Your parents wanted a change of scenery?” Asked Jo.

Dirk smiled awkwardly. ”Something like that.”

Todd tensed next to him, knowing the topic was nearing dangerously emotional territory for Dirk.

”Where are they now? Back in England?” Jo asked.

”Oh. Well…” Dirk began.

”Mom, this isn’t an interrogation.” Interrupted Todd.

”Of course not!” Jo exclaimed.

”I don’t think your mom meant it that way, Todd.” Thomas said and gave Todd a disapproving look.

”I know, just-” Todd sighed.

”It’s alright, Todd.” Said Dirk. ”Truth is, Jo, I haven’t seen my parents in a long time. I was told they died a while ago though. I haven’t been able to confirm it, but I don’t have a reason not to believe it to be true.” He explained vaguely.

Jo and Thomas stared at him in silence for a moment. Amanda took a rather large sip of her wine. Todd placed his hand on Dirk’s in his lap and gave it a supportive squeeze. Dirk gave him a soft smile in return.

”I’m sorry, Dirk, I didn’t know. Todd never said…” Jo finally said and gave Todd a stern look. Todd wasn’t sure why, but clearly his mother thought it should have been obvious to Todd to inform her of Dirk’s parents’ status.

”It’s quite alright, Jo. Like I said, I haven’t seen them in a long time. Since I was a boy, really. I’m quite used to being on my own.” Dirk reassured her.

”You’re not though.” Said Todd quickly. ”On your own, I mean.”

Dirk gave him a watery smile. ”No, I suppose I’m not.” He said quietly.

”Aww…” Said Jo. ”You two are so precious.” She added.

”What?” Asked Todd.

”Thank you.” Replied Dirk.

”How did you meet again? Todd’s recount was pretty vague.” Jo asked.

Todd was still trying to decipher what his mother had meant by her last comment when Dirk already went to answer the new question.

”Oh it’s quite the story, actually!” He said, his mood immediately back to chipper.

”Uh, yeah, maybe the, uh… Abridged version of the story, Dirk?” Said Todd.

Dirk turned to look at him. ”Ah.” He said at the expression on Todd’s face. ”Of course.”

Todd’s parents exchanged a look that made Todd’s ears burn for some reason.

”Well, you see, I broke into his apartment through the window.” Dirk explained.

Todd squeezed the bridge of his nose. ”Right, cause he… He got the wrong apartment.” He said.

”I did?” Asked Dirk. Todd gave him a look. ”Yes, of course I did. Stupid Dirk, always climbing through other people’s windows by accident.” He added.

”Right, so… Dirk had just moved in and he forgot his keys. And so he tried to get into his apartment through the window, only he climbed into mine, cause it’s right below his.” Todd explained.

”Yes.” Agreed Dirk. ”Precisely.”

”Wow.” Jo commented. ”What a… What do the kids say? A sweet-meet?” She asked.

Amanda snorted into her wine glass. ”A meet-cute.” She corrected her mother.

”Right!” Said Jo. ”A meet-cute!”

Todd flipped Amanda off while their mother explained the concept of ’meet-cute’ to their father.

”We had a meet-cute too, didn’t we Thomas?” Jo said after a moment.

”I suppose we did.” Replied Thomas.

As Dirk insisted on hearing the story, Todd couldn’t help but stare at his parents in stunned silence. His mother had just compared his and Dirk’s first meeting to hers and her husband’s. Todd was no holistic detective, the universe didn’t give him hunches, but he was beginning to get the creeping feeling that there was a misunderstanding between him and his parents. Dirk however didn’t seem to notice.

”How did you two meet?” Dirk asked Jo and Thomas. ”I’d love to hear the story!”

”Oh man.” Amanda laughed. ”Here we go.”

”It’s a great story!” Said Jo. ”I was in a band.”

”Like Todd!” Exclaimed Dirk.

Jo smiled knowingly. ”Yes, where do you think he got his musical talents from?” She said.

”Me, of course.” Said Thomas.

”Please, our guitar skills go way beyond your cute little bass.” Jo challenged.

”And I can drum you all under the table.” Said Amanda. ”Get on with the story, mom.”

”Right.” Jo said. ”So, I was in a band and we wanted to participate in this battle of the bands type thing at a local pub. Problem was, we were all 17, juniors in high school, and one of the requirements for signing up was to be 18 or above. So we needed someone older.” Jo explained.

”So imagine this,” Thomas jumped in, ”I’m at my locker at school and this girl, dressed in all black with crazy spiky pink hair, walks up to me and says ’you play bass or something, right?’ No introduction or nothing.” He said.

”I’m nothing if not efficient.” Remarked Jo.

”That you are, babe.” Thomas agreed. ”So I said yes. She confirmed that I was indeed 18 and before I knew it, I was in a band. A previously all girl band too, mind you.”

”Compromises had to be made.” Said Jo. ”So we had an 18-year-old to sign the form. And we rocked, hard.”

”Did you win?” Dirk asked.

”No.” Replied Thomas.

”It was rigged to high heavens!” Said Jo. ”We should have won.”

”I feel like I did win that day.” Thomas said.

”Aww,” Said Jo, ”You’re such a sap. That was the day we got together.” She added for Dirk’s benefit.

”And by ’got together’ she really means hooked up.” Amanda remarked.

”Yeah, well, it worked out.” Said Jo.

”That’s an amazing story!” Dirk agreed.

”Told ya.” Said Jo.

”Well, it’s not quite as dramatic as breaking into the other’s apartment by accident.” Thomas said.

”Yes, well, at least she didn’t throw a shoe at you.” Said Dirk and gave Todd a pointed look.

”Todd!” Exclaimed Jo.

”I thought he was a burglar, what was I supposed to do!” Todd in turn exclaimed.

”First thing I said to you was ’hi!’ What kind of burglar greets his victim!” Dirk argued.

”A bad one?” Todd remarked.

”Yet somehow you ended up working together, is that right?” Asked Thomas.

”Yeah, we work together now.” Todd confirmed.

”And what is it that you do, exactly?” Thomas asked.

”I’m a holistic detective. Todd is my assistant.” Explained Dirk.

”A holistic detective? What’s that?” Thomas asked.

Dirk was right about to leap into his ’the interconnectedness of all things’ speech as Todd jumped in. ”It’s a type of private detective. More of an… Open-minded approach than the police.” Todd explained. He could hear Amanda holding in laughter next to Dirk.

”I see. Cool.” Thomas said.

Todd took a sip of his wine, hoping his father was done with the topic of their job. There’s not much he could actually tell him about it without sounding like a crazy person.

”So, how long have you two been together exactly?” Jo asked.

Todd spit some wine back into his glass in his surprise. There it was.

On second thought, maybe they should be talking about time traveling and purple people-eaters instead. Or maybe even Todd’s fake pararibulitis.

”Almost 7 months!” Dirk told Jo.

Todd shot him an alarmed look, trying to will him to shut up, but Dirk either didn’t notice or didn’t care.

”Wow,” Said Jo, ”That’s pretty serious.”

”Oh definitely.” Dirk replied.

Todd wanted to sink into the couch, never to be found.

”How serious would you say it is, Dirk?” Asked Amanda, clearly loving the turn of events.

”Shut the fuck up, Amanda.” Todd hissed.

”Mom, Todd said ’fuck.’” Said Amanda.

”I did not raise a snitch, Amanda.” Said Jo.

”7 months, huh?” Thomas repeated, changing the subject. ”How come we haven’t met Dirk before now?”

Todd thought his skin might melt off his face based on how badly it felt like it was burning.

”Uh… I- It never came up.” He explained lamely.

”Well, I for one am so glad to meet him now. You better come back here with Todd from now on!” Jo said.

Dirk’s eyes lit up. ”Oh I would love to, Jo, thank you!” He said.

”Of course!” Jo replied. ”I don’t remember the last time Todd brought someone home.”

”Oh my god…” Todd mumbled. He couldn’t believe this was happening.

”Well, I’m very glad he brought me!” Said Dirk. ”I should have known you two would be equally as lovely as your children!” He praised.

Jo lifted her hand to rest on her heart. ”Aren’t you the sweetest! Isn’t he the sweetest, Thomas?” She said.

”Indeed.” Agreed Thomas.

Todd couldn’t tell whether Dirk was deliberately indulging his parents’ idea of them as a couple, or if he really didn’t realize that’s what he was doing. Either way, Todd felt completely ganged up  on.

”As soon as Amanda said she really liked you, I knew you must be special. She’s never liked anyone Todd’s been with.” Jo said.

”Yeah, cause they were all losers.” Said Amanda. ”Which you, Dirk Gently, are not.”

”Why thank you, Amanda.” Dirk said, seemingly genuinely touched.

Todd tried to figure out where exactly this train had gone so far off the rails into Let’s All Embarrass Todd Town. He had to put an end to this.

”Dirk, join me in the kitchen, will you?” He said abruptly.

”Why?” Asked Dirk.

Todd bit his teeth together in frustration. ”I need more wine.” He said.

Dirk glanced at his own glass. ”I’ve barely touched mine though.” He said.

”Just come with me!” Todd hissed.

Dirk furrowed his brow in confusion, but nonetheless stood up and followed Todd out of the room.

”Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Jo yelled after them.

”That’s not saying much.” Thomas said, smirking.

”You wouldn’t have me any other way.” Jo countered and placed a sloppy kiss on her husband’s cheek.

”Fuck me.” Amanda huffed and finished off her wine.

As soon as Todd stepped into the kitchen, he turned around to face Dirk, who almost ran into him.

”What are you doing?” Todd asked.

”I was just going to ask you the same thing.” Said Dirk.

”I’m serious, Dirk.” Todd added.

Dirk furrowed his brow. ”I don’t know what you’re talking about, Todd.” He said.

”I’m talking about you, out there, with my parents.” Todd tried to get Dirk to understand.

”Did I do something wrong?” Dirk asked, now worried.

Todd blinked a few times. ”You really don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?” He finally asked.

”No?” Dirk replied.

”My parents think we’re a couple.” Todd explained.

”A couple…?”

”Dating, in a relationship, romantically involved!” Todd huffed in frustration.

Dirk looked genuinely surprised. ”They do?”

”Yes!” Todd exclaimed. ”And you’re confirming it for them!”

”I am?” Dirk asked.

”Yes! Obviously!” Said Todd.

”Are you certain, Todd?” Dirk asked.

Todd sighed. ”Jesus, Dirk, my mom basically compared us to her and my dad! And you went along with it! And Amanda, fucking Amanda… How did you not pick up on the comment about people I’ve dated in the past?” He said.

Dirk thought for a moment. ”Why doesn’t anyone use the word ’dating’, it’s all so vague.” He finally said.

”Only to you.” Todd huffed. Dirk looked annoyed and Todd felt bad. ”Sorry, I just… I wasn’t sure if you didn’t realize what was happening or if you deliberately went along with it.” He explained.

”Well, I did not. Realize or intentionally go along with it. I thought I was just making conversation.” Dirk said. ”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” He added.

Todd sighed. Now he felt like an asshole. Again. ”You didn’t.” He assured. ”I just… Sorry, I’ve just been on edge about seeing them all day and this, this misunderstanding threw me for a loop I guess. I didn’t mean to take it out on you. Sorry.”

Dirk gave him a soft smile. ”It’s alright.” He said. ”I’ll pay closer attention to others’ choices of words from now on.”

”Okay.” Todd said. ”I guess I’ll just… Have to correct them. God, that’s not gonna be awkward at all.”

”Sorry.” Dirk said again.

”Stop apologizing.” Todd said and grabbed a bottle of white wine. ”Let’s just go back. I’m guessing Amanda’s in desperate need of more wine.”

They made their way back to the living room, where Jo and Amanda were engaged in a seemingly heated discussion.

”Yeah, but who in their right mind doesn’t list Bikini Kill when talking about iconic punk bands with female vocalists!” Exclaimed Amanda.

”I simply didn’t get that far-” Began Jo, only to be caught off by her husband.

”Look, the boys are back! Let’s put a pin in this discussion for now.” Said Thomas.

”Kathleen Hanna would be so disappointed, mom.” Amanda said.

”Don’t you tell me what Kathleen Hanna of Bikini Kill would be at me, young lady.” Countered Jo.

”Uh, anyway,” Said Todd as he and Dirk took their seats next to Amanda on the couch, who immediately grabbed the wine bottle from Todd. ”Mom, dad, I should, uh, say something.” Todd added.

”Go ahead, honey.” Jo replied encouragingly.

Todd looked briefly at Dirk for reassurance and Dirk gave him a genuine smile and an encouraging nod.

Todd took a deep breath. ”Right, so… I don’t know where our wires got crossed but, uh… Dirk- Dirk and I are not dating.” He finally said.

Jo and Thomas didn’t say anything for a moment, only stared at Todd. They briefly shifted their

gazes at Dirk, after which they settled back on looking at Todd in confusion.

”What do you mean, Todd?” Thomas asked finally.

Todd blinked a few times in silence. ”I mean… That we’re not… A couple.” He repeated.

”Since when?” Asked Jo.

”Since always?” Replied Todd.

”I’m so confused.” Said Jo.

Todd sighed. ”Look, I don’t know what the hell happened, all I know is that you got the wrong idea. We’re just friends. And, you know, colleagues.” He explained.

”Are you sure?” Asked Thomas in turn.

”Am I- Yeah, I’m sure, dad.” Assured Todd.

”Dirk?” Asked Jo.

Dirk swallowed and shifted awkwardly on the couch. ”Yes, that’s right. I’m sorry if I implied otherwise before, I didn’t… I didn’t realize we were talking about two different things.” He said.

Jo nodded, thinking. Thomas took a sip of his wine. Amanda topped off Todd’s glass.

Finally after a minute or two of silence, Jo spoke again. ”Why?”

Todd turned to look at Dirk who simply shrugged. ”Why what?” Todd asked his mother.

”Why are you not a couple?” Jo clarified. Thomas hummed approvingly at her question.

”Oh shit.” Whispered Amanda into her wine glass.

”I- What?” Asked Todd. He didn’t dare to risk looking at Dirk right now, who was blushing rather violently next to Todd.

”Well, considering everything you’ve said tonight and us misunderstanding in the first place… Why is it that we got it wrong? Why aren’t you together?” Jo explained.

”Jesus christ, mom…” Todd sighed.

”What? Why is that such a strange question?” Jo asked.

”It isn’t.” Said Thomas. ”Since we thought-”

”I know what you thought!” Huffed Todd.

”I’m really sorry to have confused you-” Dirk tried to cut in softly.

”It’s not your fault, Dirk, stop apologizing.” Todd sighed.

”Yes, but why did you?” Pressed Jo. ”Look, all I’m saying is, to me it sounds like maybe it’s not such an impossible scenario for us to have conjured up.”

Todd could practically feel Dirk freeze up next to him. Todd himself felt like running out the door and never looking back. What, had his parents not forgiven him after all and this was their revenge?

”Mom, you can’t just say stuff like that.” Todd said quietly.

”Why?” She asked.

”Because- Because you just can’t.” Todd replied.

”Because it’s not what you want?” Jo asked. ”That’s okay, you’re allowed to say that.”

”No, obviously that’s not why, I-” Todd began, before immediately cutting himself off. He couldn’t believe he’d been that stupid. His mother played him like a fiddle. He’d eaten right out of her hand.

Jo was smiling now. ”I see.” She said. Yeah, I bet you do, thought Todd. He’d reacted exactly like she’d expected him to.

”Dude…” Said Amanda.

”Shut up.” Said Todd.

”What?” Asked Dirk.

Todd sighed and covered his face with his hands. Amanda lifted Todd’s wine glass from the coffee table and removed one of his hands from his face, wrapping it around the glass. Todd lifted the glass to his lips and took a generous gulp. Amanda patted his back encouragingly.

”Todd…” Dirk said softly. ”What-”

”Dirk, can we not…” Todd mumbled into his glass.

”Why not?” Dirk asked.

”What?” Todd asked in turn, now looking at Dirk for the first time in several minutes.

”What?” Dirk repeated.

”Oh my god,” Amanda groaned, ”You’re both into each other, have been since day one, which, shocker: mom and dad figured out before they even met Dirk! So please, for the love of all that’s holy, just finally make your peace with that so that we can go eat mom’s scorched ham and get on with Christmas.” She said.

As Amanda mumbled something along the lines of this is why I don’t do relationships and sipped her wine, everyone else digested what she’d just served them.

”Well said, daughter.” Said Jo finally.

”Thank you, mother.” Replied Amanda.

”Todd,” Said Dirk, ”Is that true?”

Todd swallowed awkwardly. ”I don’t know. Is it?”

”Jesus, do I need to do everything for you?” Asked Amanda.

”No, you shut up now. And maybe have a glass of water.” Said Todd quickly. Amanda flipped him the bird.

Jo stood up. ”I’ll go see if the ham’s calmed down. Amanda, come get a glass of water.” She said.

”I’m 24 goddamn years old…” Amanda mumbled as she followed her mother out of the room, her father on her heels.

Thomas shot a quick thumbs up at Todd and Dirk before disappearing into the kitchen behind his wife and daughter. Todd rolled his eyes.

”So.” Said Dirk.

”So.” Repeated Todd.

”Is this going to be one of those things we just don’t talk about, or…?” Asked Dirk carefully.

Todd sighed. ”As much as I want to say yes,” He said, ”It probably shouldn’t be, right?”

”Right.” Agreed Dirk.

Neither of them said anything more.

Finally Todd groaned. ”I suck at this.”

Dirk chuckled. ”Well, I’ve never done this before, so, I can only assume that so do I.”

Todd laughed too and turned to look at Dirk. ”Did… Did Amanda have a point? And- And my parents for that matter.” He said, his voice much softer now, insecure.

”Yes.” Dirk replied immediately. ”Well, I mean… I hope so.” He added.

”Yeah?” Todd asked.

”Yes.” Dirk assured him.

”Okay. I mean… Yeah, me too.” Todd said.

”Really?” Dirk asked.

”Yeah, really.” Todd said.

Todd could’ve sworn he’d never seen Dirk smile brighter. It sort of made his stomach hurt.

”Maybe…” Todd said. ”Maybe we could talk about that more, you know, when we’re not in my parents’ house?”

Dirk nodded eagerly. ”I’d like that.” He said.

Todd smiled. ”Cool.” He said.

Dirk took a deep breath and let it out in a sort of relieved laugh. ”I just- I thought perhaps it was just me and that it would be horribly inappropriate if I-” He tried to explain.

Todd was hit with a strange mix of relief and guilt. He was relieved that Dirk seemed to be on the same page with him, despite Todd having never had the balls to even entertain the idea that he might be. Todd also felt guilty, because apparently Dirk had been convinced he couldn’t talk to Todd about this. Todd had made such strict rules for himself when it came to Dirk and any acknowledgement of any possible feelings regarding Dirk, that it had come across as totally unapproachable.

As if Dirk could read Todd’s mind, he added: ”That’s not your fault though.”

Todd sighed. ”I sort of have a history of not communicating what I’m really thinking.” He said.

Dirk smiled. ”Touché.”

”I’ll try harder from now on. Promise.” Todd said.

Dirk nodded. ”Okay.” He said. After a moment he continued. ”In the spirit of saying what we’re really thinking… I feel the need to say that this is perhaps the best Christmas I’ve ever had.”

Todd smiled. ”Yeah? I’m sort of a fan myself.” He said and took Dirk’s hand in his, intertwining their fingers.

Dirk looked down at their joined hands in wonder. Then he looked up at Todd with an expression that made Todd simultaneously want to look away and personally thank both his parents and Amanda for provoking this moment.

”Good news and bad news boys!” Amanda’s voice broke the moment. ”Good news: dinner is ready! Bad news: the ham didn’t totally burn so we still have to eat it!”

”You’ll eat it and you’ll like it or I’m cutting you off from wine!” Jo’s reply could be heard.

”Scratch that! Mom’s ham is the eighth wonder of the world!” Amanda backtracked.

”Damn right it is!” Said Jo.

Todd rolled his eyes as Dirk laughed.

”Wanna go pretend my mom can cook and answer more uncomfortable questions?” Todd asked.

Dirk grinned. ”Lead the way.”

They entered the kitchen, still hand in hand. ”I hear the ham’s somewhat edible after all?” Todd asked.

His mother turned to them. ”Of course it is! Everything’s going exactly to plan.” She said. Her eyes fell to their joined hands and she gave Todd the warmest of smiles.

”Smells great, babe.” Said Thomas. ”Sit down, everyone.” He added.

Once seated, Jo turned to Todd and Dirk again. ”So,” She said, ”Dirk, any plans for Easter?” She asked.

Dirk laughed, blushing. ”Not that I know of.” He said.

”We do an egg hunt, Brotzman style.” Said Todd. ”You’ll love it.”

Dirk smiled at him. ”Yeah?”

Todd smiled back. ”Yeah.”

Jo clapped. ”Welcome to the family, Dirk!” She exclaimed.

”Mom…” Todd warned, but his warning lacked conviction.

Thomas raised his glass in a toast. ”To Todd and Dirk!”

Jo raised hers in turn. ”To my match-making!”

Todd raised his glass. ”Fuck you all.” He said.

Amanda raised her already half empty glass. ”And to all, a goodnight!” She exclaimed.

Everyone laughed before taking a sip of their respective drinks.

The ham turned out to be surprisingly good, which didn’t stop Amanda from making jokes. Dirk did his best to hide his shock at what red wine actually tasted like and got Todd to finish his glass while he himself moved onto water. After a pleasant meal accompanied by lively conversation, Thomas talked Jo and Todd into playing the guitar while the rest of them sang Christmas songs. Well, Thomas did. Amanda drummed on the table and switched the lyrics to the parody ones from her childhood. Dirk didn’t know the songs to begin with, but that didn’t stop him from trying to sing along. Todd had to stop playing at one point because he was laughing so hard at the lyrics that came out of Dirk’s mouth when he tried to anticipate what Thomas would sing next. Jo and Amanda both agreed that Dirk’s lyrics were much more interesting than the original ones.

When his mother pulled him aside after their impromptu caroling, Todd remembered to be nervous about having to talk about the other elephant in the room. In the end, Jo only wanted to apologize for putting him on the spot earlier. She also said she was so happy to see him again after months, which said all that needed to be said. Todd knew they’d have to talk more in depth about his years of lying, but tonight was not for that. Tonight was for family, strange cooking, bad singing and good company.

If his parents shot him entirely too knowing looks when Todd stole a kiss from Dirk under the mistletoe later in the night, he didn’t notice. All Todd saw was the slow falling of snow outside the window and the blinding smile on Dirk’s face.

-

“Yeah, you usually drink tea at this time of day, right?” Todd replied, his eyes never leaving the screen.

“Y-Yes, I suppose I do.” Dirk replied. He had no idea that Todd had taken notice of his tea drinking habits. “What kind of tea is it?” Dirk asked.

Todd scoffed. “That one- you know, your favorite one.” He replied.

Dirk lifted the cup to his face and sniffed. It was indeed his favorite tea. “You know what my favorite tea is?”

Todd finally turned to look at him, with an amused expression on his face. “Yeah, of course. You drink it all the time.” He said and turned back towards the tv.

Dirk just turned to stare into his tea. “Thank you.” He said quietly.

“Sure.” Mumbled Todd, like it was no big deal.

But it was to Dirk.

The only time another person had made Dirk tea was when he ordered it from a barista in a coffee shop. And then he had to specifically instruct them to make it the way he liked it. But here was Todd, knowing this about Dirk, just by paying attention. By caring enough to take notice.

Dirk lifted the cup to his lips in an attempt to hide his growing smile. Todd had made him tea.

As Dirk took his first sip of the tea, he turned his eyes toward Todd, who was still watching the tv. The tea was a little weaker than Dirk himself made it and still a little too hot to really enjoy but... It was made by Todd. For Dirk.

Despite all his claims of being an asshole, Todd’s affection for those he cared about was clear as day in the little things he did. It was one of the reasons Dirk loved him.

Dirk spit some of his tea back into the cup, shocked by his own train of thought. Todd turned to look at him.

“Ew.” Said Todd. “Is it bad?” He asked.

“No! No, not at all.” Dirk hurried to reply. “Just hot.” He added.

“Oh, okay. Let it cool down.” Todd said and turned back toward the tv.

“Good idea.” Dirk said, his attention already far away from the conversation.

Obviously by ‘one of the reasons he loved Todd’ Dirk had meant ‘one of the things he loved about Todd.’ There was a clear distinction between the two. You can love things about a person without loving the person.

As soon he’d tried to tell himself this, Dirk knew the truth. He loved Todd. And not just that, oh no. He loved Amanda and Farah, sure. But he loved Todd. He was in love with Todd.

Dirk felt the sudden urge to list all the swear words he knew - which would be an extensive list - but he decided against it, as he didn’t feel like explaining this course of action to Todd.

Dirk felt dumb. How could he not have realized this before now? Clearly it was not a new development. He felt the exact same way about Todd that he had prior to this day. The same way he had felt about him for a while. Only now he knew what it was.

He would have liked to pretend he was mistaken, chalk it up to not having previous experience with being in love, but Dirk knew better. If you’d asked him a year ago what being in love felt like, he’d have shrugged his shoulders and replied with something along the lines of ‘I haven’t the slightest clue!’ and go on about his day.

But now? He knew exactly what that particular emotion was.

It was the warm tidal wave in his stomach whenever Todd laughed at something he said. It was the sudden burning in his cheeks when Todd touched him. It was the rib-cracking pain when Todd was hurt or in danger. It was the ineffable pull he felt coming from Todd, constantly begging for Dirk to come just a little bit closer.

Dirk had never given much thought to the popular idea that when you’re in love, you just know. It was incredibly cheesy. Yet, as it turns out, surprisingly accurate.

Dirk fought the urge to groan out loud. This had not been part of his plan. The plan was: befriend Todd, start a detective agency with Todd and work with Todd. That was it. Much like the little girl with the red cape from that morbid children’s story Todd had told him about, Dirk had strayed far from the assigned path.

In so many ways, Dirk was eccentric. He had never fit any ready-made mold, he had never fit any stereotype. And now here he was. In love with his best friend. What a cliché.

Dirk’s bitter musings were suddenly interrupted by a loud laugh coming from the man next to him. Dirk turned his attention to Todd, who seemed to be thoroughly amused by a woman with a turkey on her head dancing on the tv screen.

Todd’s laugh was like music to Dirk’s ears. His stupid, predictable ears.

Dirk too tried to focus on the screen rather than Todd’s side profile, only to witness the turkey-headed woman’s shock at her companion telling her he loved her by accident. It was clearly the first time she heard this confession and the man immediately tried to backtrack and deny ever having said those three words in the first place. Nevertheless, she seemed elated at this revelation. She kept repeating ‘you love me, you love me’ excitedly.

Dirk turned his attention back to the object of his affection. For a moment he imagined what Todd’s reaction would be to hearing those words from Dirk.

He’d like to imagine that Todd would react somewhat similarly to how the woman had on the show. Surprised, but overtly happy. Dirk’s eyes suddenly felt incredibly warm. He turned his gaze at the ceiling, hoping to will the tears not to leave his eyes.

He knew his feelings would not be greeted with overt happiness. A small part of him dared to believe that Todd wouldn’t be utterly disgusted by Dirk’s feelings for him. An even smaller part of him almost sort of entertained the idea that Todd might reciprocate. But Dirk also knew that even if those things would somehow be true, they would not change the outcome.

Todd was a mess. A mess Dirk loved dearly, but a mess nonetheless. Todd still believed himself to be an asshole, tightly wound in a web of self-hatred. Amanda was still giving him the silent treatment. He had yet to come clean with his parents about the lie he’d been living. He was still getting used to said lie actually becoming reality, one pararibulitis attack at a time. His apartment still showed signs of the Rowdies’ visit all those months ago, a fact that wouldn’t get taken care of until they started making more steady money at the agency. And then there was the agency. It was up and running, but still in its early stages, still finding its legs.

No matter how he might feel, Todd was in no place to hear that his best friend was in love with him. Dirk was one of the only stable pieces of the crooked Jenga tower that was Todd’s life. Dirk didn’t dare to think what would happen if he were to compromise that structural piece. It wouldn’t be fair to Todd. He needed a friend right now.

Dirk felt like in the span of about five minutes, everything he knew had been turned upside down, yet he ended up in the same place he started at. Turns out he was in love with Todd, but this would and could not affect his actions in any way.

Dirk felt a new flavor of sadness settle on his tongue. He loved Todd, but Todd could not know. Dirk loved him, but it could not be acknowledged outside of his own head.

Suddenly Dirk felt like he might burst with the way deep longing clawed at his chest.

But as he watched Todd, smiling and comfortable on the couch next to Dirk, he decided this was a good thing, not a bad one.

Dirk might have to prioritize being Todd’s friend over his less than platonic feelings for him, but he was more than willing to do that. For Todd.

Love, in all its forms, was a good thing. And Dirk had a lot of it. He might not be able to put it into words, but much like Todd himself, Dirk could let it bleed into the things he did. He could be there for Todd, and love him, without saying so. He could love Todd, even if he never said so.

After all, Todd deserved to be loved, even if he didn’t know it yet. But Dirk would make sure that he would know. Eventually.

“Dirk, drink your tea before it gets cold, I’m not getting up to make you a new one.” Todd said suddenly.

Dirk smiled and raised his cup to his lips again.

~

Dirk tried to think of what the last thing he remembered was, but he knew it was a wasted effort. The drugs Blackwing used on their subjects were known to wipe out memories quite far back. Dirk knew there was a chance he’d never remember how they’d managed to capture him this time, though clearly it had included an injury to his shoulder.

The only thing keeping Dirk from going into a full blown panic attack was his shoulder, which kept getting more painful the longer he was awake. The stubborn, now sharply stinging pain kept him firmly in the realm of reality, while his erratic breathing threatnened to plunge him into a hazy state of anxiety.

“Calm down.” Dirk told himself. “Stay. Calm. It’s fine. You’ve been here before. You made it through before. Everything is fine.” He chanted, almost angrily. “Oh bollocks, it’s not fine, it’s all shit.” He added finally.

Suddenly Dirk could hear footsteps outside of his room. Even though it seemed impossible, his breathing got even more shallow and fast. Whatever little quiet moment he’d had to come to terms with his recapture was clearly coming to an end. Someone was coming and it was officially back to experiments and Project Icarus for him.

Dirk willed himself not to cry. He would not give them that satisfaction. No way would he let them know just how excruciatingly heavy his heart felt right now. They would not get to know about the panic he was currently battling to keep inside.

After what seemed like an eternity, the door finally opened and a short, dark skinned older woman walked in. Dirk didn’t recognize her, but then again, it had been several years since he was last in Blackwing.

“Ah, look who’s awake!” Said the woman.

Dirk didn’t reply. Why should he extend any sort of politeness to any employee of Blackwing.

“You okay over there? You’re breathing kinda funny.” The woman said as she walked over to the machine beeping on by Dirk’s bed.

Dirk remained silent, his eyes trained on the woman’s back as she looked at the monitor.

“How are you feeling, kid? Any pain?” She asked.

Dirk’s eyes were practically watering because of the pain in his shoulder, but he knew better than to trust anyone at Blackwing to jump at the chance to allieviate his pain.

“Oh, hun, you’re in a lot of pain aren’t you? You should’ve called for me! That’s what the button’s for!” She said and pointed at the little remote laying next to Dirk in his bed. “No matter. Let’s just get some painkillers into you, mister.”

After a few minutes Dirk couldn’t help but let out a relieved sigh as the pain finally subsided a little bit. He had half expected the woman to pretend to help him instead of actually doing it.

Since Dirk’s brain was somewhat cleared of the overwhelming pain, he felt a little braver.

“How did I end up here?” Dirk asked. It didn’t matter how they’d gotten to him, not really, the result was the same miserable life as Icarus, but he was curious nonetheless.

“Oh that handsome detective drove you up! He made sure you were in good hands before quickly taking off again. Lucky you, unlucky me, if you know what I mean.” She explained and winked.

Dirk blinked a few times. He couldn’t figure out who the woman meant by ‘that handsome detective.’ What reason did anyone in Blackwing have to pretend to be a regular detective at Blackwing?

“I’m- Uh, what exactly happened to my shoulder?” Dirk asked next.

“Oh boy, you got quite a few memories knocked out of you, huh?” The woman replied. “Well, you rolled in with two whole harpoons sticking right of ya. Wasn’t pretty, let me tell you. But no worries, you’re all fixed up now! I’m not gonna lie, it’s still gonna hurt like hell, but you’ll live.”

Dirk was beginning to wonder if he was still dreaming. Harpoons? What the hell was she t- Wait. Harpoons. The bald men. The machine. Estevez. Todd. Oh God.

“I’m... I’m not in Blackwing, am I?” Dirk asked, a flicker of hope lighting in his chest.

It was the woman’s turn to look baffled. “Honey, I don’t know what that is, but you’re at a hospital in Seattle, USA. On Earth.” She replied.

“I’m in Seattle.” Dirk repeated.

“Bingo.” Said the woman.

Dirk let out a genuine laugh, which was quickly cut off by his shoulder reminding him of his current predicament.

“You were a bit confused there, weren’t ya?” Asked the woman.

Dirk sighed. “Yes, I believe I was. I apologize for my manners, I thought... Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Miss...?” He said.

“You can call me Nichelle, honey.” She replied warmly.

“Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Nichelle. Thank you for the drugs.” He said.

Nichelle laughed. “My pleasure, kid. Now, let’s take a look at that shoulder of yours, shall we?”

As Nurse Nichelle - of a Seattle hospital, not Blackwing - thoroughly checked Dirk’s injury and then applied fresh bandages, Dirk found himself talking through the whole procedure. It was almost like talking kept his mind off his surroundings. He knew he wasn’t in fact in Blackwing, but if he focused on the sounds, smells and pain instead of talking, it would be too easy to forget that fact.

As soon as Nichelle left the room, Dirk felt anxiety creeping back in. He hated hospitals. The sooner he could get out of this one, the better. Of course he had no idea where he would go from here, all he knew was just that he wanted out. Sure, he had the apartment at the Ridgely but if his last conversations with Todd were anything to go by, the former bellhop would not be happy see Dirk wandering the halls of his apartment building.

Later than he would have liked, yet sooner than one might expect from a patient with two harpoon wounds in the same shoulder, Dirk was discharged. Even as he was rolled out of the hospital in a wheelchair, he kept chatting incessantly. As long as he was in the hospital, he would be on edge. Clearly the chatting wasn’t as warmly welcomed by the nurse wheeling him out as it had been by Nurse Nichelle.

As the nurse left him standing outside of the hospital, Dirk could finally feel the Blackwing related anxiety dissipate. He took a deep breath and looked at his surroundings. He felt better already.

Then he remembered everything else he had to be anxious about. Where should he go? Is there anyone he could contact that wouldn’t hang up on him? He might have not been in Blackwing after all, but were they still after him? Dirk’s head was beginning to spin again.

And then Todd showed up.

For a few hours Dirk was truly happy. He had Todd back, he had Farah and he had the plans for his detective agency - and now he had the money to make it happen too! For a while, it really seemed like Dirk’s life had gone from a nightmare to a dream in the matter of hours.

This time Dirk woke up to a pounding headache. As he struggled to force his eyes open, he was met with the sound of beeping and the smell of chemicals. When he finally managed to get his eyes to cooperate, he saw another hospital room. Except this one had one significant difference to the last one. There was no Nurse Nichelle. This time there to greet him was Hugo Friedkin.

“Wakey, wakey, Project Icarus.” Said Friedkin.

Dirk let out a shaky breath. This time there was no mistaking this room for anything other than what it was.

It was Blackwing.

He was back.

~