#prosescribbles

Somedays life feels like a blur. You are existing, in the moment, listening, talking, writing notes, planning, but your head is heavy yet feels light. There is not exactly some sort of a physical condition. But your head feels dizzy. Your existence feels dizzy. Your past, a life you held on dear to, slowly starts fading away. The future is a dark land. And the present? Well the present, as i said, is a blur. It's a drag. A robotic existential exercise that you are doing because you gotta do what you gotta do. But nothing makes your heart leap. You hold on to those shows and your favorite K-pop groups because you know they are the ones giving you the doses to go on. You write and write. You research about stuffs. You learn things about yourself. All of which makes you more sad. You get up everyday taking one day at a time. Trying to learn, cope, adapt and understand. You understand yourself way better. You understand the world a bit better too. You are trying to be more accepting. You are trying to regulate all that is dysfunctional in you. You are trying. Because you just don't give up. And even though you know and hope, that someday it will all make sense. But you can't stop from asking when? When will it happen? When will this drag end? When will the dizziness stop? When will you stand firm with a stable head? When will your heart start beating with passion? When will your existence make sense? When will this one wild precious life suddenly have a purpose? Just when?

You know when V sings, "someone come and save me please...", you can hear the despair in his voice. And the moment he starts with, "where's my angel..", your heart sings too in that melancholy tone. It's like he is singing what your heart and soul is crying for. You want someone to come and pull you out of the darkness that is engulfing you. The pain that doesn't seem to go away. You want someone or something to make your heart beat again with passion. You want to get up feeling the morning breeze on your face and not with the sigh of another day of existential drag. You don't have to do several things to fill in the emptiness that pricks you in an alarming tone. You keep repeating that line with the same despair in your voice, "someone come and save me please..." But you know no one's coming. You have to save yourself. The realisation strikes you. You knew it. But now it's clearer than ever. You have to save yourself. You have to be your own angel. Maybe the angels around you want you to learn this art of saving oneself. Maybe its high time you built the strength that you know you lack. And your angels are just there sprinkling soothing elements and strength every now and then in different forms. And while this is a lonesome journey, you also know that everyone around you, these days, is also trying to save themselves. Everyone is in that lonesome dark journey. And while this journey makes us walk our own paths, we know we are all in this together. Someday, when we have saved ourselves from this phase darkness, we will all meet shining in the new light, our hearts beating, ready for the next phase. Till then, once again, one last time for the day, let me play, "Blue and Grey."