#professorsharma

The final year I participated in my school’s Research Presentation Day, I felt, should be covered in my blog.  However, I felt that the first time I participated was so much better, even with regards to the awkward moments.  The last year's awkward moments include:

Manjula's presentation.  She stood up in front of 60+ people and announced that the food selection was terrible.  Our advisor was the one who selected food.

Professor Sharma's phone went off during the keynote speaker's presentation.  Twice.

People got mad at me because they thought I didn't show up.  Turns out I accidentally registered twice so when people saw the second nametag on the table, they assumed I never showed up.

Oh, but the first year!  It was a romance of uncomfortable.  We'll start this symphony of discomfort from the very point that I showed up.

8:00 a.m.: The itinerary specifically stated that this was the time that everything starts.  I go into the banquet hall and see that the caterers and I are the only ones here.  I opt to stand outside instead of being the only one in there, getting breakfast.

8:15 a.m.: The former department head for my department shows up.  Now it's this esteemed man and this cretin newbie fumbling around outside.

8:20 a.m.: The current department head for my department shows up.  Seriously?

8:45 a.m.: A few people from one of the other research labs show up to SET UP the table for us to get nametags

8:50 a.m.: I eat the loneliest breakfast ever.

9:00 a.m.: Everyone else shows up.  I didn't know Indian time was applicable to the U.S. but I was a naive undergraduate then.

10:00 a.m.: The former head of the department was also the keynote speaker as we discovered.  He gave a presentation that, apparently, all but 3 people in the room had heard.

11:00 a.m.: The first set of poster presentations began.  Meanwhile, it was also snack time!  I had no idea what anyone else's research background was, so I ate my food and nodded indiscriminately.  They could have been talking about how Adolf Hitler was a God Among Us Mere Mortals and how it applies to semiconductor wafers and I would have wholeheartedly agreed.

11:30 a.m.: At this point, the photographer has already taken 239847 pictures of me eating food.

12:30 p.m.: The first poster presentations are over and it's time for another 5 speakers.

2:00 p.m.: Lunch time!  And inevitably, more pictures of me stuffing my face are taken.

3:00 p.m. The second poster presentations begin.  At one point, Professor Sharma told a female PhD student that she “must be the most beautiful girl from China” in front of 80+ grad students and faculty.  However, this was my favorite exchange that went on at this particular poster session.  To set up the scenario, a rather large, bald white guy was giving a presentation when all of a sudden, Professor Sharma appears:

Professor (interrupting presentation): Hey!  You know who you remind me of? Student: Um, no...? Professor: Madeline Albright! Student (visibly angry): What? Professor: Yeah!  The nose, the mouth...totally Madeline. Student: Screw you, next time you're crossing the street, I just will close my eyes and keep going. Professor: That's fine.  You'll be in jail then.  Hey, if that ever happens, can you send me a picture of the boyfriend you'll meet there? [Professor Sharma walks away at this point] Student to Golden Boy: Can you believe that guy? Golden Boy (typing something on his phone): How do you spell “Albright”? Student: GOD DAMMIT, I DON’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE HER.

4:30 p.m.: We all go outside to get a group picture taken.  We later found this gigantic picture plastered in the middle of the hallway of my department's building.  It is, to date, the only picture of me at that event without food.  I am also relieved to say that none of my subsequent students defaced the picture of me (yet).

5:00 p.m.: The top 5 Ph.D students from the entire group give their own presentations on what they would have done differently.  The latter half of the panelist session was for others to ask questions to them.  However, none of the students could think of anything to ask, so it was the professors supplying the odd questions.  Finally, someone asked "If you could give your professors a piece of advice, what would it be?"  One guy, who was Professor Sharma's student, had the following exchange:

Student: This isn't advice so much as it is a suggestion.  You should bring in more girls in the lab.  Seriously.  We don't even have one. Professor: Oh, really?  And what would you do if you saw a girl in the lab? Student: I-I don't know.  It's been so long since I've talked to one.

It was at this point that Kashni and I looked at each other with great discomfort.

As graduate students are wont to do, they leave after many years.  Or in Yi's case, two (he decided to get out while he still could with a masters).

To set the scene, the conference room that our lab usually uses was occupied that particular day, so he had to reserve a room in another building.  Except, of course, because he’s a student, our advisor had to do it.  She did and told him the room number.  We get there to help Yi set up to find out that it's a kitchen.  What.  Perhaps she meant the room next to it, which IS a conference room.  Yi finally sets up and promptly at 2, his scheduled defense time, some students come into the room, announcing that they have a meeting in that room.  At this point, Yi officially starts to panic.  None of his advisors nor his committee member are anywhere to be found.  While Danvir and I went out to try to find another conference room, we find none other than our advisor, Yi's co-advisor, and Professor Sharma, his committee member, wandering the halls.

Me: Do you know where Yi’s defense is? Prof Sharma: Um, doesn’t Yi know? Me (looking at kitchen): Apparently not. Prof Sharma: There’s only one common conference room on this entire floor.  How did Yi not know this?  (Turns to advisor) how did YOU not know this? Advisor: Hey, he should have figured out what I was trying to say. Prof Sharma: I don’t think that works with room numbers.

After a bit of bickering from the professors, we finally set up in the correct room and that's where we discover the bulk of the food.  There were about 5 boxes of cookies, three boxes of donuts, and a big jug of coffee.

Yi: Ha ha, yeah, Manjula chose what to get. Me: Was she hungry when you went out shopping?

And so began Yi's defense.  I could tell he was nervous because he would slowly speak softer and softer and eventually, we all noticed him (intentionally?) migrate to the exit of the room.  But it didn't seem to matter because only his co-advisor was actually paying attention to the defense.  The token white guy in the lab was surfing the internet on his phone and giggling to himself every few minutes.  My advisor wasn't as discrete.  She was browsing the internet on her laptop.  Meanwhile, Professor Sharma kept texting people.  I know this because every time he got a text, his phone would loudly alert him by screaming “DROID.”  This continued to happen until he suddenly got up in the middle of his defense, announced that he has lunch plans and that he’ll sign the forms for Yi’s defense when he gets back from lunch.

When Yi had finally completed his presentation, about 1.5 hours later, everyone got up, grabbed some food, and head out, leaving me, Danvir, and Yi to actually clean up.