1. Acquire alcohol. The more the better. No need to be picky; you’re trying to forget about Tiffany, dammit, not throwing a soiree for some French aristocrat. Unless you’re rolling in cash or possess the constitution of a small child “cheap” is your friend.
2. Locate at least one (1) blankie and a single (also 1) pillow, comfortable but not so much that you’d be worse off without them in your non-inebriated life. The C-Team, if you will. Set these apart from where the “action” will be taking place but in an easily accessible location. This will be important later.
3. Skip dinner. Having food on your stomach will only lengthen the amount of time it will take for those pesky emotions to disappear with the added benefit of saving you money by significantly cutting into the amount of alcohol you will need to consume in order to grant you a sweet reprieve from the agony created by the festering wound Tiffany left upon your soul.
4. Begin imbibing your libations, quickly and with purpose. It’s the only way to dull the pain. Important note: while many alcohols, especially the brand of dubious quality you purchased to make the $20 that beautiful, sadistic, elegant, whore of an angel left you go further, can taste like the ass end of a northbound cow it would best serve your interest *not* to chase your chosen inebriant with a non-alcoholic beverage to mask the taste. The reasons for this are threefold; 1. Doing so will cut into your “drinking booze” time; 2. The taste of death, urine, and bitterness is an important part of the experience; 3. If you are still capable of tasting *anything* after the first few minutes then you are failing at the task before you. Just like you failed to keep Tiffany from burrowing beneath your skin to lay her eggs of deceit and betrayal.
5. Keep drinking until your heart no longer aches with sadness. Congratulations! You have achieved your divine purpose. Unfortunately, this noble endeavor comes with a cost most foul; as the potations you have been ingesting are *technically* poison your body will soon begin to do everything in its power to forcibly remove them from your system. It will not be pleasant. Grab your blankie and pillow before making your way to the nearest room with a toilet, sink, or large container capable of holding liquid without leaking. The next few hours are going to be rough with all manner of unpalatable nastiness spewing forth from at least one of your facial orifices. This floor will be your home for the night, and probably a good portion of the following day so you want to be at least somewhat comfortable as your body rids itself of both the intoxicants *and* the bilious memories of the gorgeous goddess who so viciously destroyed you.
