Life as I Know it
As some of you probably realized, my life is a whole whirlwind of crazy right now. I apologize for all the depressing posts and what not.
This journey is harder than I ever planned on it being. By that I mean is that you know yes I knew I was going to be going through puberty once again but oh man the emotional side of it, I never planned on I guess? That sounds super ignorant to say but it is true.
Not only do I inject myself every 2 weeks with 1 ML of Testosterone, but I also take medication that is supposed to help me with my depression, Therefore my chemical imbalance is crazy right now.
So while I trying to survive college, work two different jobs, try to make sure I don't push people away; I have to worry about redoing puberty all over again and manage my mind and emotions. Therefore my life is pretty intense.
What does not make it better is that I happen to mess up a friendship throughout all of this. Perfect right? If you know me well enough, you know that when I lose someone in my support system it is like a death in a way, you know? Especially at this time.
At first when everything hit the fan, I was just depressed. Maybe the reason for that was because well I knew I had messed up and feeling like you aren't being a good person is the shittiest thing that you can feel. When you are me is breaks you. I am not saying this hasn't happened to anyone else but it is how I work. That definitely makes sense when I was diagnosed with BPD.
But now I got to defend myself, or well explain my actions (even though they were still wrong). For some reason, even though there is a chance things will never work out with the friendship, I know that I was honest, finally. I made quite a few mistakes and am willing to pay the consquences no matter how hard they may be. Not because I am desperate, but what do I have to lose? Losing someone who is a great friend without putting up some kind of fight is just dumb...Shit happens
