#processing some shit

With that in mind, Imagine Lottie stepping out into a spring morning in the Alps to see a field of Edelweiss.

“Hey, Laura Lee.”

1. Brian David Gilbert is winter king. I heard his voice, I paused the show. I looked at my sister and I said ????????? Am I crazy or would the winter king tell me “either sonic is a god, or could kill god, and I do not care about the difference” and then we laughed about it but I could not focus because IT WAS BRIAN DAVID GILBERT?

2. Kept thinking about how good the backgrounds were so we looked up who the background designer was. Emmy Cicierega. Once again. ???????? sister to lemon demon. Also, SHE WAS APART OF POTTER PUPPET PALS????

3. We rewatched some old adventure time episodes after crying and one such one was “Into the grotto” beautiful animation. I was like “haha this reminds me of baman and piderman.” I looked it up. IT WAS THEM.

4. Went and listened to some of our favorite adventure time music and most of the songs we love from early episodes are made by Rebecca sugar. Oh Fiona? Rebecca. On a tropical island??? REBECCA. I knew I’m just your problem and everything stays was made by them but now I gotta go digging for more

He loves me

He is light

He seems to glow

His lips catch the sunlight

It weaves into his breath

Imagine me, an admirer

On stage

While he's washed in blue

He can see me

Looking into his eyes

Mine are alight

The Lord watches over us,

I know

Why else would he pull me in

Like a tractor beam

I can see ropes woven

from sunlight that connects me

To him

I know the Lord has sent me

A reason to learn to be patient

I won't freeze

I watch him weep

Research his grief

Scream just like him

I ached for his state

His torturous solitude

How his organs seemed

To distend from his torso

Or spill out of his mouth.

His flesh was mine

I gag on tears

And the tears are all i covet

I had an apple yesterday

I want to look how i feel

Sick

Broken

Loss

On the brink of death

I want to count the shards

In my vomit

And the kinks in my intestines

I watch him

My experiment

"You're strong, you'll get through this." "I know you can make it through it." "You just have to keep going." "You're stronger than I am, I would've just given up."

Today I kept thinking about the responses that I get from my friends, from people who know me and who I occasionally let my guard down around. I've been thinking about the kinds of things that people who hear what kind of work I'm doing say to me. Almost every one of them center around some valorization of my "strength" or "fortitude" or whatever. Even my therapists, both of them, tend to slip into the kind of language that is supposed to remind me of how "strong" I am, and how awesome it is that I've kept going through all the crap.

I know these are compliments, these are things that are supposed to make me feel better and remind me that I've been through some shit and I'm still here, but they're not the right thing to say to me. I hear them, and I know they're true, but reminding me of my "strength" is not the kind of thing that actually helps. In fact, I think my "strength," or at leas tthe fact that people know I've put up with so much shit in my life, tends to make them assume that I need to be reminded of all the things I've overcome or gone through. I don't need that, I don't need to be reminded that I have, and will, find some way to just keep going, if only because no one else will.

What I need is someone to tell me to stop, and in doing so, give me a place to stop. I need the emotional (and physical) equivalent of someone, somewhere to rest my head. Something far from the mess of my department, my life, my union. To be honest, I'm kind of tired of being "strong," or bearing up under the weight of all the crap, the responsibilities, the expectations that people place on me. I want the opportunity to collapse, to break down, to just stop without feeling like I'm abandoning someone or becoming a burden that they have to carry. Selfishly, I think, I want someone to take responsibility for me, to take care of me, because I'm tired of taking care of myself.

And it's not as though I want to dump all my baggage onto someone else, because I'm not really sure that I could unburden myself onto someone in that way. I just want someone, something, there where I can lay down for a while without having to be responsible for myself or anything or anyone. Even as I'm writing this, it sounds absolutely selfish in my head, like I just want to run away and hide somewhere. But it is selfish, I've done a lot of "being there" for people, for institutions; I've done a lot of "fighting the good fight," of doing my bit for king and country (chair and department, in this case), that I want to just put down all the tools I'm using.