#processing shit

My mind is like how does a piece of paper make us MARRIED? What made us married? What is MARRIAGE? Is it just a construct???

Then my mind is like bitchhhh you never thought no one would love you enough or find you remotely attractive to marry you and here you are

Then I get so happy because I married my best friend and I get to call him my husband

If it takes me more than the time people expect it to take me to pick something off the floor my brain goes into time to insult myself mode because I grew up being yelled at if I don't pick something up fast enough. 

If I have to go get something and it takes a few extra steps of looking for it I have to will myself to not panic and to focus on the task because I’m waiting for someone to ask me if I’m stupid.

If I don’t process the space I’m in and knock things off the shelf my brain fogs up while trying to fix it and then I end up knocking more things down. I  have to tell myself that people are not mad at me and then will myself to joke about it. But in my head im fucking screaming.

Compared to how I was, I’m actually pretty healthy now, and if people can’t handle those quirks it shouldn’t be my problem.

And these sound like things everyone does but it’s kind of my entire state of being. Like it became my thing to be a tornado in stores. I learned to expect people to push me out of the way or get angry at me. I learned to expect people to repeat themself with an annoyed tone because I didn’t respond fast enough or didn’t process them fast enough.