#processing processing processing

I was at a loss this morning and throughout the day, not knowing how I felt or what I wanted to say about today being the 5th anniversary of my attack. But I knew the words would come when and if they wanted to. I’ve had an epiphany in the shower so here are the words.

I’ve been in mourning for 5 years. My deathday is what I used to call this day. I have a gift for melancholy and a flair for dramatics, so my morbid imagination marked this day a deathday. Like a birthday, only I acknowledged my “death”. Because I let myself believe an important part of me, part of my very soul, had died when I was attacked. Except now I think it finally sunk into me once and for all that I did not die, my soul did not die, my former self did not die – all of which I have been mourning all this time. And I see now that my mourning should come to an end.

I see now that my old self, who I used to be, the happy, eccentric girl full of compassion and flowers and sunshine and endless positivity … she is not dead. How can she be when she is still a part of me? Not gone at all but perhaps resting and waiting. I spent so long thinking she was gone for good that I didn’t notice her quiet but strong presence until recently, a humble return. She must have simply been hiding all this time, letting the other parts of me – the ones filled with unforgiving ice and raging fire – take the lead for a bit to protect her so she could heal and survive until she was ready to claim her space. And I’ve felt her come alive within me again especially in the last few months as I experienced joy and optimism in a way I hadn’t in a long time and I think it’s her way of telling me that she is still here so I shouldn’t write her off or give up on her. She is still me and I am still her.

And now, as 5 years have passed, I am also the other sides of myself which manifest themselves more easily and readily. I think I am finally beginning to understand that I am the sum of all my parts, each of which are equally important and equally me. From the cold and unfeeling ice queen who selectively chooses her company after putting up with all the poor treatment she received in return for her kindness; to the angry, volcanic spitfire waiting to erupt and give everyone a piece of her mind after too many years of keeping silent; to that same girl I miss dearly who just wants to shower the world in flowers and positivity and freely give all the love she has to give like she used to but has been hidden away safely and walking in the shadows of the ice and fire ladies for protection because she is afraid to be hurt badly again and too vulnerable to face her life alone. All of them are me and I don’t have to choose which of them is the most authentic. They’re all authentic versions of me with their own purpose, I’ve accepted that now and hope I continue to accept it.

(((I have my own holy trinity going on inside my head it seems. This is probably blasphemy, isn’t it? The imagery and symbolism help me to make sense of this.)))

So an inner trinity of fire and ice and floral-filled-earth goddesses, if you will, each of which comprises who I am today, and each a vital part of my soul. My soul, which is most definitely not dead. (If this were elemental, which it probably is, my soul would be a reflection of air. Fire, Water, Earth, Air … that works so nicely.)

And if my soul is not dead and none of those vital parts of me are dead, then I have no need to keep a deathday for much longer. I think this will be my last deathday and going forward, I will try to make sure it is a day to celebrate life. Because I have a mind, body and soul which are all alive and well with that trinity of mine that lives as well in me. And all these parts of me – complex and varied and clashing and harmonious all at once – are worth celebrating.

So I think I am done with mourning now and intent on living well. It doesn’t mean I won’t cry about this from time to time, I’m not naive to think any of this will be smooth sailing. But a lightbulb went off in my head at last and I realized that this long mourning period for a girl who is not at all gone must be left behind so that she can live out loud again.

people who DO know us were immediately like "uh, what are you gonna do with tasia" when carrie got engaged, which is its own. thing. yes hello i AM the eternal weird third-wheel even when there were just two of us, but hey.