A probabilistic model is introduced for the problem of stimulating a large male audience. Double jerking is considered, in which two shafts may be stimulated with a single hand. Both tip-to-tip and shaft-to-shaft configurations of audience members are analyzed. We demonstrate that pre-sorting members of the audience according to both shaft girth and leg length allows for more efficient stimulation. Simulations establish steady rates of stimulation even as the variance of certain parameters is allowed to grow, whereas naive unsorted schemes have increasingly flaccid performance.
So... I finally went and read the short paper based on the research they did for Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency. Describing inherently weird subjects with a detached, academic tone never gets old. Plus they really put a lot of thought into it. Here’s an excerpt to give you a taste:
“The first challenge associated with double jerking, either tip-to-tip or shaft-to-shaft involves shaft alignment when audience members are of different leg lengths. There are three approaches to this problem:
1. Ask the taller member to squat, in which case his gratification will be reduced from physical discomfort.
2. Ask the shorter member to stand on a box. The humiliation will likely reduce his gratification as well.
3. Attempt to double jerk vertically displaced shafts by angling the taller individual’s shaft down and the shorter individual’s shaft up. The jerk direction will no longer be perpendicular to the individuals in this case(Figs. 3 and 4), so gratification will again be reduced.”
