I've been bulimic for a long time. It's the only way I can survive. Until a few months ago, when I suddenly found that I couldn't throw up anymore. It didn't matter how hard I tried, NOTHING would come out even though I'm retching until my muscles ache.

I gained 10kg in a matter of weeks, even though I cut down to one small meal a day; I can't get away with not eating dinner because family. I pushed myself and thought I'd worked through it, but it happened again. Now I've gained back the 5kg I lost over that period and I'm 15kg above where I can live with myself.

Unnecessary Story time!

So, I used to be small a couple years ago... actually no it was like last ish year. December of 2023 I dropped so much because my eldest sister was getting married. I'm 5'8 and was around 125-130 pounds at the time. After that I started college and I thought "oh... maybe I recovered... I stopped sh-ing and everything. I broke up with my toxic ex and met this super nice amazing guy. I love him a lot if you can tell. But he has a thing for chubby girls.. so he fed me all the food I never got to eat and made me feel loved regardless... so obviously I gained a bit...not just a bit... I was around 160 when I first started my journey and I dropped to 125 in around a month and a half... and I kept it off for like I want to say 4-5 years. A month ago, I met an old friend from when I first lost weight and I reminded me of how I felt back then... I felt hot. Now... I feel loved but not hot. After that I couldn't stop feeling like a cow, I realized that all the clothes I loved didn't fit anymore and that I wasn't small anymore. I weighed myself and the scale flew to 177.

Something in me snapped, I didn't know what to do I felt like shit but I couldn't not eat. Me and my boyfriend live together and he's like a huge gym/fitness freak. He goes to lift like everyday for 3 hours and I join him. I started eating less and working out more... he didn't seem to mind at first but then he started asking questions.

But before I could find answers for them, I was saved. It is summer break and his parents asked him to come back home ( he's an international student). I also came back home to my parents. But when I got home it wasn't a great greeting. My parents immediately let me know that I got fat. "You were so skinny before when u went to college what happened? Don't people lose weight when they go to college? Your pants look so tight."

That was all the motivation I needed. I have been on and off fasts and if I do eat its only around 500cal a day. I work out as much as I can.

This morning my weight was 163. I glad I dropped but not happy yet. I hope I can get through this. It's a bit hard since my boyfriend calls and wants to eat with me... I told him I feel ugly and I want to diet. He wasn't happy at first he didn't want me to get too skinny but he came around and is a bit supportive now. He doesn't know I'm fasting tho.

I have a internship that needs me to use the computer a lot and it's been giving me a headache. Especially with the fast. Last time I did this it was like 6 years ago. Im a bit older now, I don't know if its gonna work the same but I'm trying.

I love watching those tw ed videos on youtube they really help get me through my thoughts.

Thanks for going through that if you did. I want to document my journey this time. Cuz last time... i was all alone and meanspo hit hard. ( I was bullied a lot for being chubby when I was little till like highschool ).

Meanspo isn't hitting this time other than the fact that I hate myself lol.

if there are any older ppl (20 - 24) here I'd love to find a friend to restrict with.

I drink lots of water the night before and when I wake up

I can either let my dog roam by himself or I can walk him and im gonna walk him of course..

--JUST DANCE--

just dance just dance just dance.

I made a playlist from a 2014 one and I have yet to explore the others. we've only ever played just dance 2014 but my brother sold our xbox so I use YouTube the same. Just dance had me doing so good, I lost over 20 pounds within February and march.

I can eat an apple in between or suck on a mint/lifesavor.