Maybe I don’t set goals because I’m afraid I won’t meet them. It’s one thing to let someone else down but to know that you let yourself down is a private shame you try to hide but carry with you everywhere, into everything, and onto everyone. It’s where our frustrations, disappointments, judgements, and anger stem from. Can’t be mad at them for your personal failures but can’t let them know that you failed yourself so be mad at them instead so that they can’t see that you failed. Hurt others because you hurt yourself. Failure is a harsh word. I know. But isn’t success a hyperbole? There’s levels to this shit. I know. Is it a fail if you learned something in your attempt to succeed? What if you completed your goal but it sucks? What if you think it’s great but no one else does? What if everyone thinks it great but you think it sucks? What if no one notices? Some people never talk about what they’re working on. I understand now that it could be painful for them to talk about it especially if people keep asking them about it every time they see them. I used to think it was always better to let it out into the universe. As if the universe is so concerned about your project more than others.

Yes, I know the saying, the greatest failure is not trying. Good job. Good try. Try again. Dust yourself off. Speaking of dust, Ziggy Stardust died today. Bowie was 69. He’s the age my dad is now. I think about my parents every time someone famous dies who is around their age. I can’t imagine them dying now. They bring it up once in awhile. Casually drop it into a conversation. Mostly about arrangements. I try to change the subject. But I know it’s something we have to talk about before it becomes too difficult for them to talk at all. Especially as the oldest child, especially as the son. Does that matter anymore? Mom says she forgets things once in awhile. I’ve only witnessed it once at Kroger’s. We laughed about it later. But when it happened, I got frustrated at her. That was my immediate reaction. I’ll need to work on that. I rent movies about older people for them and they seem to enjoy those. Even the ones about people losing their memories. If you set a goal to never forget will you remember forever? Or will you forget that you set that goal? I still remember my grandmother not remembering me when I visited Korea. Boy did that hurt. She just looked at me with a blank face. I was a complete stranger. I understand a lot of people experience this. Perhaps it’s more gradual with them. Don’t know if that makes it easier. I’d like to think it does.