"Think about all those fabulous Prince Charmings in fairy tales. What makes a Prince Charming truly “Princely”? Prince Charmings are made of good strong character fiber! They’re noble, kind and generous with good deeds. Plus, they support a Princess in becoming liberated, so she can venture forth to become her fullest royal potential.

     Meanwhile, evil Prince Harmings are just as good-looking, rich and charismatic as Prince Charmings. A Prince Harming’s huge difference is the one spotted within his spotty character! Prince Harmings suffer from major character defects which create scenarios to torture and imprison a Princess."

     I like this analogy. Karen's view supports what I have learned as a counselor and as someone who has personally experienced a "Prince Harming." He was an EXTREMELY likable guy. Hilarious, good-looking, quick to sign up to do other people's projects for them. He "adored me" according to everyone. I've learned that charisma, contrary to popular belief, is a red flag before it is a good quality. Overall, focusing on GOOD CHARACTER is so much more important. What does he believe? What is his view of the world? Does he value "embracing empathy, listening, direct communication, honesty, loyalty and growth"?

     As a marriage and family therapist, I really appreciate the thorough work of John Gottman as Karen mentions as well as Lundy Bancroft, who worked 20 years with Prince Harmings court-ordered for domestic violence charges. He learned this type of man in and out. And he warns of similar traits as Karen mentions in her "psychopath checklist". Bancroft's writings and a retreat he put on for women played a huge role in helping me leave my Prince Harming.

     I am definitely focusing on character first this next time around!! I've found it SOO hard to observe character via Match.com profiles! So I'm resorting to consulting with people and couples who share the characteristics I want to see in my future marriage. They will point me in the direction of a man with truly good character; character that has been tested and observed by trustworthy insiders and that lines up with my own most important beliefs and values- which include being open to change and growth. If a man meets this requirement, then on to the rest of the details.    

     I like Karen's concept of the relationship serving both as the "den of pleasure" and the "laboratory for growth." The relationship can function as both, not one or the other.