#primohamster

“Look at you, so young and happy!”

“Where did the years go?”

Right, then… hrmff… greetings, or whatever you young pests say on this… tum… tum-bler? Tum-blar? Tumble. Yes. That. Ridiculous name for a place full of nonsense.

My name is… oh, blast it, I’ve forgotten the first half. It’ll come back to me eventually. Or not. Doesn’t matter. The few of you who attempt to say it will only choke on your own tongues. Just call me Vanilla.

Now… where was I…? Oh, right. Introduction. I joined this cursed pit because someone… some imbecile with too much energy… told me it would be ‘fun.’ Fun. Hah! Took me forty minutes to find the login box because it kept moving around like it was mocking me. And these letters… Satan help me… these letters are too small. Why would you make them so small? Are your eyes made of eagle parts? Mine certainly aren’t. Mine are older than dust.

If I type slowly, mind your own business. If I forget what I was saying halfway through a sentence, mind your own business. If I stop typing altogether, then congratulations, I’ve probably died and you’ve finally gotten some peace.

And don’t send me any of those moving picture things. Gifs? Jifs? I don’t care. They make my head spin and I’ve already lived through enough disasters without adding seizures to the list.

Anyway… I’m here now. Don’t expect enthusiasm. I used all of that in the year… oh, what year was it…? Hm. Never mind. It was before most of your ancestors even existed, that’s for certain.

If you insist on staying, then sit. Quietly. And don’t make me repeat myself, because I won’t remember what I said the first time.

Hearts everywhere. Pink nonsense. Sudden expectations.

If you care for someone, bring them a seed in silence and let them nap.

…Noted.

That much would last me ten years.

It will spoil.

Do you even care about waste?