#pretty lanterns

We dont exist anymore,

I dont miss what we were,

I never think of him wishingly,

But I wonder how hes doing,

But not enough to find out,

It feels heartless not to check,

I dont think theres a version of me where I do,

I dont miss him,

But I miss the me that was with him,

I miss meeting someone's eyes across the room,

Laughing, dancing, smiling, drinking,

Its not his eyes Id look for anymore,

I wouldn't even think of him,

But Id think of me

And Id think of sunshine and collapsed piles on the floor,

Too many bodie,

Overlapping casually,

Because they exist as my comfort zone,

I miss all the fun I had with him,

I miss the parties and the late nights,

The sunrises and night time walks,

The warm sunshine and dancing in the rain,

We could never exist

Not anymore,

Not ever again,

We could probably be civil,

Maybe,

He is still so important to me,

Id cry for weeks if something happened to him,

Id probably never be told,

I think thats what hurts,

Knowing I cant help anymore,

Knowing that hes almost definitely still struggling,

Knowing so closely how someones brain works,

Not knowing where they live anymore,

If they live anymore,

To know exactly why theyre struggling and not being the person who can help,

Knowing exactly what they need and knowing you cant give that,

To know and to care forever,

But never to talk again,

To exist so separately ill never get to know if he heals,

To grow apart so that the boy I knew no longer exists,

To care for something thats gone,

Theres no scenario that doesnt end like this,

A doomed mess,

And we both knew,

But somehow convinced ourselves the fall was worth the landing,

Theres no version where we end us as friends after

There was no other way it was going to end,

The people who made us us are gone,

But I wonder what it would have been like to grow together not tumble vaguely apart,

That never could have been him,

I really hope its them

I think Ive forgiven him,

But forgiving him doesn't mean I ever wanna see him again,

My forgiveness does not grant him closeless,

Or trust,

Ive forgiven him but we will never recover from it,

He can never have his spot back in my life,

Forgiveness does not mean we pretend like it never happened,

Forgiveness doesnt mean he gets to try again,

Its not that im holding a grudge,

But some things are just not possible,

And I dont want to waste my time trying