#presentparents

The difference between being “present” parents and “absent” parents is like having a child grow up in broad daylight and leaving a child to fend for herself in the dark and alone. The outcome of the latter course of action is often disastrous as it severely impacts a child’s development and well-being.

The Good: Being “present” parents

The need for both parents’ involvement in children’s care and control means that they are able to constantly provide positive input, guidance and support as children grow and learn. There are other innumerable benefits of being “present” parents as well:

1. They can provide a nurturing and supportive environment for their child. Children thrive when they feel loved and supported, and “present” parents can help create this type of environment by being attentive, responsive, and involved in their child’s life.

2. Children are able to model positive behaviours and values taking cues from parents who are present. Children learn by watching and imitating the adults around them, and a “present” parent can provide a positive role model by showing their child how she needs to behave, communicate, and make good choices.

3. “Present” parents stay connected with their children and be aware of what is going on in their lives. By being present in a child’s life, parents can stay up-to-date on their activities, moods, and development, and can better understand the needs and how to support and fulfil those needs.

The Bad: Being “absent” parents

Being absent parents means being less involved in a child’s life, either because of work, other commitments, or a lack of interest. There are several other potential downsides to being absent parents:

1. A child may feel neglected or unloved. Every child needs attention, affection, and reassurance from their parents. When they are absent, a child will have no one to interact with or turn to for help or advice. This will eventually lead to feelings of sadness, and insecurity and lead to growing up with low self-esteem.

2. A child will be without the support and guidance of her parents when she needs it the most. And when unable to navigate through the challenges of growing up, a child will be exposed to traumatic experiences which can have a lifelong impact on the child.

Needless to say, without the guidance of parents, it will be impossible for a child to face and overcome serious behavioural issues. Imagine this worst-case scenario of a child growing up and not being in a position to build meaningful relationships at all!

3. Children learn how to regulate their emotions through interactions with their parents. Without parents to guide them, a child is literally at sea, struggling with self-regulation and self-control problems. A child will also be struggling to learn how to go about developing these critical skills.

“Absent” parents will not be able to provide this type of guidance, leading to problems where behaviours such as rampant impulsiveness thrive, frequent outbursts of anger prevail, and a total lack of self-control leads to negative reactions to situations – for instance, throwing a tantrum in the middle of an aisle at a food court, a shopping mall, an amusement park…this will be just the beginning of such dramatic instances.

The Ugly: The impact of “absent” parents on mental health

Parental care in early childhood is one of the most important factors and helps foster the cognitive and non-cognitive abilities of children. Studies show that the absence of parents when their children are still very young negatively impacts their development in health, daily behaviours, and academic performance when they are at school.

The negative effects of being absent parents can go beyond just the feelings of neglect or a lack of guidance. Children with absent parents are more likely to experience mental health problems, such as depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem.

These problems, amongst others, can have long-term consequences and impact a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and succeed in social interactions at school and at work.

Finding the right balance

Being “present” parents or “absent” parents is not an either/or proposition. It’s important for parents to find the right balance that works for an individual family unit, and to be aware of the potential impact of their parenting style on their child’s well-being.

While parents communicate directly through verbal and body language cues, it’s emotions that guide how these exchanges are received and interpreted, especially by young children. Remember, parents and children ultimately engage with each other through the use of their emotional vocabulary.

This not only helps fulfil individual emotional needs but also empathises with those needs even if parents are unable to support them ‘in’ the moment. Please note that children need constructive role models to provide the reference points that help them to engage with others in true empathy.

This is why “absent” parents deeply wound the emotional well-being of a child consciously and subconsciously. Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents invariably leads to the inability of young children to be emotionally present and empathise when they are interacting with others. [Source]

So when you are “absent” parents, it’s important to make the most of the time you do have with your child and find new ways to stay connected and supportive even when you are unable to be physically present for her.

When you are “present” parents, it’s important to make sure you are providing a nurturing and supportive environment, while also giving your child the independence and autonomy she needs to grow and learn.

All of us strive to become the kind of parents we’ve always wanted to be: Confident, Optimistic, and even Joyful. But we find ourselves confused and often frustrated by the seemingly endless challenges we experience when it comes to connecting, interacting and building deeper relationships with our children.

Why is it so? Why do we feel so inadequate? And feel so frustrated?

During early years, children feel a range of emotions, but often cannot express, interpret or process them. To help children make sense of this, and have the best effect, children need to be approached with empathy, supporting and guiding them to identify and deal with their emotions effectively.

Research shows that experiences and adult responses are the primary influencers of how children self-regulate and deal with their emotions. Meeting children’s emotional needs is critical, even when some of these are harder to understand or when they evoke strong feelings in us.

Being present in the moment

Every child is special and deserves to be treated as a full-fledged individual. And the only way this can happen is when parents realize the importance of being present for their children, despite the overwhelming pressures of modern-day living and the demands it makes on their time.

Right from the time a baby is born, she is already dealing with her own emotional reactions in response to what is impacting her. A baby expresses her frustration, hunger or pain by crying. As she continues to grow and learn, a child is further exposed to even more complex experiences that trigger unpredictable emotional reactions that are difficult to process and impossible to manage with them at first.

This is where you as a parent can be of great help. Being present with your child means you are not only physically present, but you are also acting as an emotional sounding board for your child.

Bonding in the present

This is what emotional maturity is all about, helping you to connect effectively with your child. While it is a skill a child will also develop as she grows, the ability to understand, express and cope with these emotions need to be nurtured throughout early childhood by parents.

The first step in this direction involves getting your child to accept her emotions and to start learning how to label them. For instance, you could say, “You look really thrilled”, after coming back from a visit to the zoo. Or when your child is upset, you could enquire, “You look sad, is something bothering you?”. Once your child learns to label her emotions, she will have the right words to describe how feels about them.

The advantages of teaching labelling skills and being present for your child are many. Suffice it to say, with free exchange and flow of emotions and information, communication becomes easier. The chances of misunderstanding are minimised. And the reasons for a child to act out her emotions to tell you how she is feeling disappear. Simple?

Other ways to be present for your child

Thoughts, feelings, actions. When you are with your child, never miss an opportunity to help replace negative thoughts with positive ones. This is also the best way to share with your child how thoughts, feelings and actions actually influence each other and show her how to help break the chain. Especially, after a traumatic event.

Sit down with her, make it a point to face her squarely and maintain eye contact. Tell her to take a deep breath, and repeat this exercise a couple of times. Once your child feels relaxed and comfortable, ask her about the event that made her feel so anxious or afraid.

Thoughts make feelings

Exploring her thoughts and feelings together is important. For instance, an event that was upsetting. This may have been a test your child prepared for and didn’t get the results she wanted. This made your child to conclude, “I am not good at anything. I’ll never get a star”.  She begins doubting her own abilities and begins to feel scared about future tests.

Feelings affect actions

When you ask your child what she did as a result of such thoughts, she might say that the next test is making her more anxious and is finding it more difficult to prepare for it. Thoughts about how bad she felt the last time keep coming back, making her put off studying altogether!

Actions influence thoughts

Ask your child: What if she thought about this event in a different way instead? Example: What if she decides to focus and prepare for the test? This way, instead of giving in to a situation, you are helping your child tackle the situation head-on. Get her to start thinking “I will keep trying until I do well. Earn my star!” This automatically sets in motion a chain of hope and positive thinking.

Remember, feeling let down or bad is completely normal. But, it’s important to remind your child that not every thought or feeling is necessarily true, even if it feels that way in the moment. It is always helpful to try and change the way we think about or react to events we encounter.

Go beyond just listening to your child

Express interest in what your child is saying. Whether it seems trivial or big should have any bearing. Listen with full attention, and observe her body language, actions, sounds and words carefully. By being present emotionally for your child, you are validating your child’s true feelings and your own responses.

It will be helpful to allow your child to talk freely about her feelings, like anger or wanting something so badly that she snatched it from her sibling’s hand. Ask what made her angry? Why didn’t she wait for her turn to come? Her answers will help you respond in a clear and positive way and allows you to set limits without sounding harsh.

Reflecting statements back to your child acknowledges and provides words to describe her feelings more accurately. Validating your child’s feelings is also extremely important because it tells your child that you care about how she feels deep inside.

Be an empathetic parent

To best meet and support your child’s emotions, be sympathetic, warm, accepting and curious. The more you lead with empathy, the more inspiring you become to your children.

As you are someone they trust, make it a point to overcome the barriers you may have of your own — busy schedules and daily office pressures. Commit to working tirelessly to help your children be happier, more resilient and more confident.

Be present to get your children through their daily adventures. Support self-expression throughout the day, through stories, painting and drawing, crafts, roleplay and general play. Encourage active physical movement and lots of opportunities for conversations.

As part of helping children to self-regulate and deal with emotions, it’s important to set expectations and boundaries for them. They need to understand the importance of following rules as it makes them more friendly, open and easy to play and talk to.

Finally, have fun. Help your children stay away from electronic devices. If that is not possible, minimize screentime, and remind your child about it on a daily basis. Get her to read books or paint or just doodle. If your child is very young, reading to her will expose her to a new world and stimulate her imagination.

Get her to be adventurous. Visit parks, galleries, and museums. Take her to concerts. Try out new ways to enjoy and turn these into unforgettable experiences. More importantly, be present while spending more time together. Remember, your time is hers to drive, and not the other way around!

About My Gym & Abrakadoodle

My Gym aims to lay a firm foundation for personal, academic and future growth by involving your child in age-appropriate, structured and unstructured physical activities. Helping strengthen neural networks within the brain and developing a child’s thinking and problem-solving skills.

At Abrakadoodle, process art learning experiences inspire toddlers and young children to help articulate their thoughts and feelings. Children also discover visual art is the easiest way to relax and meditate. Doodling, scribbling, painting and drawing help children to think differently, be innovative, and explore new ways to grow their minds.