Predictions for 2016/ Everyone gets fat
The future. Immense and unknowable. Truly, who can predict what is is to come? Me. I can.
1. By this point, all New Yearâs resolutions will have failed.
2. Gun control is tentatively introduced in America following the tragic death of Grumpy Cat, who was caught in cross fire whilst touring an elementary school.
3. Facebook users around the world add a Grumpy Cat filter to their Facebook profile pics in support.
4. Fine dining will reach its peak, as restaurants introduce fully deconstructed menu items, such as âDeconstructed maple baconâ, consisting of a map to Canada and a live pig, which is getting away.
5. #cleaneating will also reach its peak, as vegans resort to inhaling essence of cucumber water through bamboo pan pipes for all their nutritional needs.
6. Staff at trendy cafes will thoughtfully raise customers to the ceiling via rope pulleys, allowing them to take better Instagram shots of their latte art.
7. Peace in the Middle East â The reign of Bashar al-Assad comes to an end after the Syrian dictator is killed in a gorilla attack.Â
8. Do you mean âGuerrillaâ attack?
9. Nope, actual gorillas whilst seeking shelter in the state zoo.
10. VR will enter the mainstream living room, allowing people to simulate going outside, sunshine and the resultant melanoma.
11. Rising sea levels will tragically claim the infinity pools of rich jerks living on Sydney Harbour.
12. Apple will release a new tech to their product line: The Xbox. âYes, we totally invented itâ CEO Tim Cook will claim.
13. All the Kardashians finally receive life bans from the NBA after triggering an on-court fist-fight amongst the Houston Rocketâs starting five.Â
14. A social media viral hashtag campaign will finally raise awareness of, and fix, all the worldâs problems forever.
15. 23-year-old University grad, Liam Bertridge of Liverpool, will post a lengthy solution to global wealth inequality between the West and âthe restâ to Facebook, getting more than 80 likes.
16. Liamâs solution to how he'll afford to move out of his parentsâ house meanwhile, will remain elusive.
17.The cheerleader half-time shows will continue to make dads sitting with their family uncomfortable.
18. Buzzfeed finally fully transitions into an image depository of shirtless men, as intended.
19. Someone, somewhere, will be offended by a tweet.
20. A rise in âhealthy body imageâ hash tagging causes an over-correction in eating habits, resulting in Western obesity rates rising from its current 60% of the population to âtotalâ.
21. A more âroundedâ former body builder, Dwayne âThe Rockâ Johnson will enter the presidential race.
22. âIâb like to run for Presibleb of the Unibleb States of Ameribleb. Blrb-blb-bleb.â The former The Rock will annouce from a beanbag chair.
23. The Presidency however, is surprisingly won by Survivor host, Jeff Probst after beating Donald Trump through a hedge maze in a battle of former reality-TV hosts. Tyra Banks fails to place.
24. Miss Universe host, Steve Harvey accidentally announces himself as the winner.
25. In the Rio Olympics, North Korea elects to send only their finest athlete, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un, who is disqualified from the 100m hurdles when the starter gun spooks his horse.
26.The Olympic basketball menâs final is abandoned after Steph Curryâs 20th 3pt shot of the match causes the ball to burst into flames.
27. All the medal ceremony national anthems will be remixed by David Guetta with âsick beat drops.â
28. Vladimir Putin anoints himself as the cover model of every edition of Menâs Heath Russia.
29. Hacker group, Anonymous claims victory over ISIS after successfully swapping all their Twitter profiles to dick pics.
30. After being rescued from Mars, a black hole and World War II, in his latest film Matt Damonâs character is heroically rescued from awkward small-talk at an office picnic.
31.The MTV VMAâs descends into farce after Miley Cyrus strikes Nicky Minaj with a dildo.
32. Nicky responds the next day with âshadeâ on Twitter.
33. Whilst trying to take a more spectacular Snapchat selfie, high school senior Jennifer Smitherton of Orange County, is eaten by a bear.
34. Controversially, an internet artist âre-imaginesâ Disney Princesses as having âjobsâ. And yet, the internet doesnât âbreak.â
35. Despite the incessant bleating of click-bait writers, science confirms that the only things that can actually âbreak the internetâ are âsolar flaresâ and âElectro Magnetic Pulseâ weaponry.
36. Kim Kardashian asks her Instagram followers where she can buy âAn Electro Magnetic Pulse weaponryâ.
37. Later that day, Kim Kardashian is revealed as the new face of Lockheed Martin.
38. In an attempt to keep the British Monarchy ârelevantâ in the modern age, Dan Blizerian is hired to run the Royal Instagram account.
39. The Royal Instagram account is aborted after Prince Harry jokingly hurls a porn star off the Windsor Castle ramparts and into the moat.
40. Coconut Oil is found to be the only cure for ice-cream headaches, hiccups and getting annoying songs out of your head.
41. The campaign against sugar reaches new heights after itâs revealed to be the leading cause of diabetes and white privilege.
42. Urban hipsters abandon beards for not being âfeminist.â
43. In place of beards, male hipsters confusingly start wearing bras in solidarity ironically.
44. However, they are immediately attacked on Jezebel by feminist âFree the nippleâ campaigners.
45. Former President Barack Obama spends his first month out of office live tweeting a tour of wine country with Sir Patrick Stewart.
46 Apple tweaks the auto opt ins on the new Apple Watch after Taylor Swift accidentally live streams a lengthy bathroom break on Periscope.
47. Man itâs hard to think up 50 things.
48. OK, just two more. How aboutâŚ
It's going to be an exciting year!
