Touch and don't go.
Adam breathes.
Tries to fill air into his lungs as he hears the rain fall on the roof of the Beemer as he sits beside Ronan. It's raining and it's quiet. Opal and Chainsaw had somehow understood it and gone with Blue, Gansey and Henry to 300 Fox Way.
Adam watches Ronan. He has his hands gripped tightly around the steering wheel, knuckles white and his forehead on it, eyes closed. Adam hears him breathe, he tries to breathe again. Doesn't know how to. Adam tries to ignored the purple pink bruises, handprints of the hands that lie on his lap, his hands. It's hard to not notice them, bright and new and pained against the pristine pale of Ronan's skin.
Aurora's gone. So is Cabeswater. He doesn't know where Noah is.
He tried to kill Ronan. The demon took over his body, hands and eyes. He tried to kill Ronan. The demon tried to kill Ronan. Maybe he was the demon who tried to kill Ronan.
He doesn't know what to do. Wants to reach out, hold Ronan in the hands that tried to kill him and tell him and himself that it wasn't him, could never be him. But his hands left behind marks on Ronan's neck, in the shape of his fingers, the gaps between them and his palm. He fears that if he tried, he could trace every single line of his fingerprint on Ronan's neck.
Adam breathes. The rain falls in light drizzles. The road in front of them in empty and eerie and dark. Something appears from behind a bush and unsettles him. It's just a deer, brown with spotted fur that is drenched. It's beady eyes land on him, it gives him a look before it disappears back to where it came from.
He thinks about their kiss. On the porch. How he tried to breathe when Ronan's lips were on his and his hands comfortable around his waist and Adam was falling, falling, falling. How he'd been full of this fuzzy white light and his mind was a mess of emotions and Ronan looked almost, almost holy as Adam had watched him, shark-like blue eyes rimmed with black and a lazy smile on his face and his hard edges chiseled away.
Ronan turns to look at him. There's still that black stuff on his face, dried up streaks on his cheeks. His eyes are red and glassy. Adam looks, keeps on looking and tries hard not to cry. He opens his mouth, his words stay stuck in his throat and he suffocates. Ronan blinks slowly at him, getting up. He carefully places his hand on Adam's. Adam flinches and pulls it away, as if Ronan's skin burned him. He sends Ronan a pleading look. Ronan glares as if he's offended but doesn't say anything.
Adam breathes, hears Ronan breathe as well. It somehow lets him breathe easier. His hands hurts as he looks at them. They're muddy and bloody and his knuckes have split and ache terribly. So does everything, include his heart. Adam wonders if this is what a heart attack feels like.
"let's go home", Ronan whispers after a while. Adam doesn't know what home is. He stiffly nods. Ronan gives him a look before he starts the car. The rains have subsided. Adam opens the window, let's the cool air hit his face. His face burns, torn skin aching. He closes his eyes. Feels Ronan's eyes on him as they drive through Henrietta.
He sees the Barns peek out from behind the trees after they've entered Singer's Falls. He aches, aches and aches. He wants to go, somewhere he doesn't know, but somehow his gets pulled back to Ronan. He realises he wants to leave Henrietta and his past behind, but wants to come back to Ronan, always and forever. He wants to come back home, home is something he thinks he's found in Ronan. He isn't sure but he thinks he's getting there.
Ronan stops the car and gets out. Adam heaves out a breath as he hears the crunch of Ronan's boots on the gravel. He thinks Ronan left. He faintly hears a knock on the side. When he turns, Ronan's standing there, leaning on the window frame. Everything about him is dark, hurt and bleeding but his eyes are bright, alive and blue. Adam's heart beats, keeps on beating at seventy five beats per minutes, probably eighty five since Ronan is here.
"Adam", he says. Adam. Adam. Adam. Adam looks up at him.
"Let's go man. Get out and into the house."
Adam listens and gets out. His knees feel weak. He dares to look at Ronan again. His gaze immediately snaps at Ronan's neck where the evidence lies. It feels like his heart might stop. His knees give out and he falls. It hurts as his knees land on the pointy gravel. His head hurts but so does everything. He hears Ronan curse from somewhere before Ronan's hands are around him and his head is on top of Adam's hair.
"Adam, not now", Ronan mumbles. "Please."
Adam's heart stops. Restarts when Ronan presses his lips against the side of his head. Shakily he gets up. He knows he can do this.
"I'm okay", he tells Ronan. Ronan scoffs loudly as he helps Adam up. He hears the door of the BMW shut loudly. He walks, one step at a time. Ronan walks beside him, close. He feels far away. So far away that Adam thinks he might lose him.
He doesn't complain when Ronan makes him sit down and removes his shoes gently. He watches his dirty shoes lined up besides Ronan's by the door. In the midst of this ache, he thinks he likes the sight of it. He could get used to it. Ronan drags him into the bathroom, makes him sit down on the toilet seat and fumbles around the cabinets.
"let me?" He asks Adam, cotton and a bottle of antiseptic liquid in hand. Adam is used to covering his pain, he can do it. But he has no fight.
"if you let me too", he says instead. Ronan nods. Adam's hands ache. Ache with pain and ache with want.
He closes his eyes and let's Ronan gently clean up his face. He knows he'll have scars for days. He doesn't mind it, he's used to it. It burns when Ronan dabs the cotton on the wounds. He hisses in pain.
"Easy there, breathe."
Adam breathes. He tenses when Ronan sits on his knees in front of him and takes his hand and cleans it gently. He wipes away the blood and mud till Adam can see his freckles again. Ronan kissed his palm. Adam lets out a choked sob and mumbles a "I'm sorry". Sorry won't make up for this. He knows. He doesn't know what will. Ronan mutters a "shut the fuck up" and cleans his second hand. He hears the dustbin lid open and close. Hears the faucet and water running. Thinks about Cabeswater and it's streams and leaves. Lets out another sob.
He dares.
He snakes his arms around Ronan's waist and cries. Ronan sees him cry, he thinks he's okay with it. Ronan is allowed to see the cracks in his facade, his ugly parts and broken pieces. Ronan's hands tangle themselves in his hair. He thinks he's okay, even if he's not.
"why didn't you do anything? Anything Ronan? I- I would have killed you-"
"but you didn't. And I didn't want you to have the memory of me hitting you. I would have never been able to look at you if I did."
"I tried to kill you." I love you, I think. He wants to say. "You should've stopped me, killed me if that was required."
"listen here, dickwad. I wouldn't have, nobody would've laid a fucking hand on you Parrish and that's the truth. You were possessed by that fucking demon."
"but-"
"if you had the chance, would you kill me?"
He inhales sharply at Ronan's question. Let's out another sob.
"what the fuck Ronan?"
"that doesn't answer my questions."
"no, obviously not."
"I think you have the answer to your own question then."
"those are my hands around neck. My hands. My hands."
"yes, your hands that I kissed not even five minutes ago. Keep up. Don't fucking care. It's over man."
"Cabeswater is gone."
"yeah."
"who am I without it?" He asks himself and Ronan. "Who am I if not Cabeswater's eyes and hands? Cabeswater's magician?"
Ronan pushes him away and holds his face in his hands. Adam dares and rubs away the dried flakes of the black stuff that fall weakly on the floor. Ronan, the asshole, has the audacity to blush. Adam's heart finds itself sowing back to form pieces.
He dares and places his hand on the bruises. Just places them perfectly on top, hiding the bruises from view and Ronan's breaths are slow and a staccato. Adam closes his eyes and wishes the bruises to just disappear. An ugly part of him laughs at himself.
"you're my magician. I'll call you mine if you call me yours. You're Adam Parrish. You're my Adam Parrish, and that's enough. More than enough."
"mine", he whispers. He thinks, no, knows he likes the sound of it. He knows he wants to be Ronan's and Ronan is already his.
"yours. Ours."
"okay."
"Adam?"
"yes?"
"would you let me love you?" Ronan asks, pleads, prays.
"I would let you because you let me."
Ronan's smile blooms. Adam's heart forms a tapestry of mismatched pieces tied together by love.
"tamquam", Ronan whispers on his lips.
"alter idem", he replies.
It's enough. More than enough.
