#pranl

siguro may di sila makuha sa relationship nila + yung mindset nila na okay lang ma-attract physically basta wala naman involved feelings, tapos i-pput into action niya yung attraction na yun that will lead to cheating (nakakatakot to kasi bakit ganun ka mag isip??? tapos sasabihin nung tao na ok lang yun kasi di naman niya mahal, kailangan lang niya i-release yung physical desires niya sa ibang tao??? uhm, wtf).

not my own personal experience 'tong dalawa na situation, pero yan lang yung na-encounter ko na stories abt cheating.

it’s like…the combo of existing health problems, mostly the fatigue and weakness that are probably thyroid moreso than the breathing issue, combined with my fucking fucked up bunioned f33t that will need surgery that i’ve been putting off for years because of our situation, that i don’t even talk about because they’re such “small potatoes” compared to the big shit………….all of that, plus the post-shot effects which for some are supposed to last 1-2 months and since i was already immunocompromised, i’m feeling it still (in the 2nd month now).

so it was exhausting to do things like be walking around on my feet for too long, plus walking long distances on these f33t meant they were in pain after, my fever’s been worse for the past 2 days since i went, delirium/feverish anxiety that makes you “feel crazy”, frantic nightmares, forgetting bits of conversations from high fever moments, not able to even walk for exercise post-doing this, justttttt wtf.

i’m SO SICK OF THIS. i feel EIGHTY YEARS OLD with all these health problems. maybe it’s because i was born premature, idk. i never had bad health like this before. and then all at once after hard life events like 7ish years ago, which slowly crept up on me and then piled up. i wonder if trauma lowers the immune system or what the hell that could mean. thyroid is inborn. the lungs, idk the answer to yet, but GERD and acid rising from stomach/entering lungs seems heavily possible.

and the fucking f33t. my f33t have been shaped weird since i was a teenager, never knew it was bunions until later, saw a doc right before our situation got worse (but pre homelessness) and he told me he was unqualified and i had “serious structural problems” i’d need to see his colleague for…that was 5+ years ago and i never did see that guy so i worked for so long, two jobs on fucked up f33t PLUS untreated fatigue and it made my problems actively worse.

now i can’t work at all due to this. if even simple things are too much for me. i need medical care fucking bad and am waiting on docs appts waiting lists that take ages.

i just……i feel so fucking old, i’m ready to be actually young for the first time after all these are resolved. i’m scared it won’t be until i’m like 30. i hate this so fucking much. i’m SO READY to be done with this,