#pp2 au

She forgets momentarily that they aren’t alone because she is absolutely tunnel-visioning on Beca. Suddenly, her chest feels tight, but not in a good way—not in the way it had felt when she had first heard that Beca and Jesse broke up a few weeks ago before he left early for Los Angeles without her. 

Suddenly, Chloe feels very small. She hadn’t known Beca was aware of that. She assumed that Beca had just thought she was only into men this whole time, which was part of the reason Beca never picked up on any kind of signal Chloe sent her during that first year.

She barely hears Beca’s non-commital mumble about Chloe’s lack of subtlety.

If Beca had known all this time that Chloe liked girls, it was never an issue of thinking Chloe was too celibate or too straight to be interested in Beca.

It had been years.

“Chloe?” 

Beca is in the middle of turning around to face away from her, hair ruffled from shifting around. Chloe can’t even bask in how cute Beca looks because she is distraught. She doesn’t even process at that second that Beca, despite being petulant, is still concerned about her lack of quippy comeback and lack of quippy response. 

On autopilot, Chloe turns to stare up at the tent’s fabric. She imagines what the stars are doing beyond the thin barrier. Surely, they must be laughing at her misfortune. 

***

When Chloe stumbles out of the tent the next morning, following closely behind Beca, she decides to put it behind her. Mostly. It proves difficult because to distract herself from Aubrey’s drill sergeant voice, she drifts and finds herself just looking at Beca, mostly with mild disbelief. 

Had that been what Beca had been hiding the whole year? That she knew Chloe had a big gay crush on her? Had she told Jesse? Had they both laughed about it? Did that even matter considering Jesse was a couple thousand miles away?

Her mind whirls at a speed she previously had never been able to access. She creates a million and one scenarios, each worse than before. By the time she lands on a scenario where Beca is quite literally homophobic, she decides that she needs to calm down and tries to focus on her breathing so she can at least belt when Aubrey points to her. 

Chloe notes that at least Beca is participating, though she seems less enthused than everybody else. It’s a familiar-enough sight at this point that Chloe just tries to let it go. It is frustrating that she has no idea whatsoever what Beca is thinking, or even why Beca’s mind appears to be elsewhere. 

It had been easy to ignore when they were back at Barden and occupied with classes, performance prep, and just generally trying to slam the lid closed on their overfilling anxiety pots. It’s less easy now, at a remote location and surrounded by only each other. Beca’s distance is more apparent than ever and it all just hurts so much that it makes Chloe want to claw out her eyeballs with her sweaty hands. 

Finally, exhausted, Chloe thinks that she gets a reprieve, but then she hears Beca’s voice cut across the group, clear as day. 

“Sorry, what are we doing?” 

Chloe forces herself to be patient. “We’re rediscovering our sound.” She finally makes eye contact with Beca after hours and she tries not to be hurt by the sheer annoyance she sees written across Beca’s face; she tries not to let it bother her that she has no idea why Beca is even reacting like this to something they both love. 

“Really?” The derision in Beca’s voice makes Chloe want to recoil so very badly. “Because it all sounds like songs that would never go in our set.” 

Chloe’s ears are ringing. She thinks Aubrey says something, so she tries to refocus, but she catches the tail end of Beca exclaiming that she has more important things to do. 

“What could be more important than this?” What could be more important than me? Is what Chloe desperately wants to scream, but she can’t – she knows she can’t. Not here, in front of everybody. 

She swallows her pride when Beca brushes her off. She isn’t letting this go, not this time. “Where do you think you’re going?” 

“Getting out of here. We all have to leave eventually, Chloe. Some of us aren’t scared of that.”

“And what’s wrong with being scared?” Chloe asks, ignoring how high her voice goes. That stops Beca in her tracks. “What’s wrong with being afraid of losing the people I care about?” 

“So you’re acknowledging that there’s something that happens after graduation? After worlds?” There’s a mocking edge to Beca’s voice, but the franticness in her eyes as Chloe nears closer to her is more evident than ever before. 

“Of course I am! It’s all I think about. It’s all I can think about, thinking about not being able to see you—all of you,” she adds hastily. “Not being able to see all of you every day.” 

Aubrey touches Chloe’s elbow. “Chloe, maybe—”

Chloe shrugs her off. “And what about you?” she asks, finally feeling some of the blazing heat in her chest begin to power up her ability to speak. “What about how you’ve been lying to us this whole time. Keeping things from us?”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Everybody’s noticed you’ve been a little checked out lately.” Chloe gestures around. “Don’t you care about any of this?” 

“Of course I care! I’m just trying to think about my future. Which is more than what everybody else seems to be doing.” 

“And what about me?” Chloe asks, forgetting momentarily that they’re surrounded by their friends. 

“What about you?” Beca doesn’t ask the question with a hint of derision or viciousness, but it still hurts nonetheless seeing the plain confusion on Beca’s face. 

“Don’t you care about me?” Chloe thumps her hand on her chest. “I have been there for you for years and you can’t even—you can’t even pick up on a few. Simple. Hints!”

“What hints?” Beca looks around at their friends for help and as Chloe glances around, everybody is pointedly looking away. Emily’s face is turning red. Jessica and Ashley are glancing at each other knowingly. And Aubrey—Aubrey has the worst expression of all of them: pity. Beca apparently still isn’t able to find an answer or assistance from any of that, so she turns back to Chloe, arms crossed.

“Are you being dense on purpose?” 

“I’m not, I swear.” 

“So you’re just going to act like you haven’t seen anything the past few years. Nothing at all.”

“Chloe, what the fuck are you talking about.” 

“I think Chloe is just concerned you’re maybe focused on relationships right now when you should be focused on the Bellas,” Aubrey says, from out of nowhere. 

It isn’t what Chloe is thinking at all, but she lets the brief silence serve as a reset. She gathers herself as Beca turns on Aubrey. 

“I broke up with Jesse a while ago,” she says plainly. 

“Well–”

“Aubrey, don’t.” 

“—In fact, I’m not thinking of any relationships right now. I’m focused on me and moving to Los Angeles after we graduate.” 

Chloe deflates. “Forget it. Forget I said anything.” 

Beca faces her again. They’re standing closer than before, Chloe having closed the distance between them, but the emotional distance between them couldn’t be larger. “Chloe. Wait.” 

Chloe waits, expectant eyebrow raised. 

“I have an internship. That’s where I’ve been disappearing off to. I swear, that’s it. I’m not…like sneaking around or anything,” she adds in a lower tone. “Not with Jesse or anybody else. That was over months ago.” 

Chloe, unfortunately, fixates on the first part only, filing her disappointment away for later. “An internship? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You were just…” Beca shrugs, gesturing vaguely with her hands. “I didn’t know if you wanted to hear that I had my mind elsewhere.” 

“Well, I did,” Chloe replies, stung. “Why wouldn’t I? You’re…” she inhales. “You’re my best friend, Beca. I want to know these things and of course, I’m so happy for you.” 

“Oh ouch,” Amy murmurs, nudging Aubrey. 

Beca stares at her for a moment longer. “That’s it then?”

Chloe nods slowly. “I—”

“I’m just going to take an hour for myself,” Beca announces. She walks away from Chloe. The sight of Beca’s back stings more than Chloe expects. She reaches out half-heartedly, her throat dry. She can’t even call out to Beca, not until Beca screams, swept up by a bear trap none of them had seen.

***

A few hours later, they sit huddled around a campfire. Chloe has hardly been able to leave Beca’s side, finding ways to touch Beca, whether it’s making sure she isn’t cold (on a warm early summer night) or making sure Beca has had her fill of snacks (Beca has consumed several smores, growing paler with each one Chloe forces into her hands). 

They still haven’t really resolved anything, even as they figure out just how to save their sound. Chloe doesn’t feel particularly resolved as far as things between her and Beca stand. 

Beca appears aware of it too, if the furtive glances she keeps shooting Chloe are any indication. There’s a fidgety-ness to Beca, the way she shuffles as if she isn’t sure if she wants to sit closer or further from Chloe. 

“Let’s leave them to talk,” Aubrey says hastily. She snaps at the rest of the Bellas to get their things before she grabs Fat Amy’s wrist and tugs her, despite her protests of wanting to stay near the fire. Amy is eventually lured away by the promise of access to the minibar and a room for the night. 

Once Beca and Chloe are finally alone, Chloe finds that her mind slows to nothing. She cannot remember a single thing that she wants to say to Beca–everything except, “I’m sorry.” 

Beca prods at a rock with her toe. “What are you sorry for?” she asks quietly. “I should be apologizing.” 

“I was just…mad at you. And mad at myself. Mostly myself.” 

“You should be mad at me. I’m incredibly dense,” Beca offers. 

Chloe huffs. “I didn’t mean that.” 

“You did. It’s okay. I am and I’ve been trying to work on it.” 

“I shouldn’t have just…yelled at you. Especially not in front of everybody. I’m sorry. I just…was so embarrassed about what happened in the tent and then thinking about you hiding things from me.” Chloe groans, covering her eyes with the heels of her hand. “Which you’re totally allowed to do. I just felt so…” 

“Left out?” Beca suggests, her voice quiet and gentle.

Chloe peeks at her with one eye. “Yeah. Let’s start there.” 

“I’m not good with that kind of stuff. You know that.” Beca’s smile is sheepish in the flickering light from the fire. It makes Chloe want to kiss her even more, but she has no idea if that’s appropriate. “And I didn’t mean to leave you out. Trust me. I want to tell you stuff, but it’s just… It’s like how I push everyone away. I just keep doing that whenever I feel scared that I’m going to lose people.” 

“You quite literally can’t lose me,” Chloe says, trying to go for levity. “I’m here,” she murmurs, only slightly horrified when her voice cracks. “I’m here even if…”

“I know. I know. I’m so bad at this.” 

“I promise, I’m worse.” Chloe sighs. “I haven’t been honest with you either. I thought I was being super obvious about it, but you seriously are really hard to get through to.” 

Instead of a quip or sarcastic response, Beca, for her part, takes Chloe’s hand and slowly tangles their fingers together. 

“I…” Chloe takes a deep breath, letting her eyes adjust and focus on their intertwined fingers. “I like you. I’ve been trying to tell you for years.” 

Beca says nothing for the moment, but both of them are content to let the crackle of the fire and ambient noise from the trees around them fill the space.

“Please say something.” 

Beca’s initial response is to laugh. She laughs and squeezes Chloe’s hand.

Chloe stares at her in bewilderment but waits nonetheless. She hates her traitorous heart for doing so, but it all but thuds out of her chest as she takes in how beautiful Beca looks then. 

“I’m sorry,” Beca apologizes once her giggles subside. Still not letting go of Chloe’s hand, she shifts her body so their legs touch more fully. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh, but this is what I mean when I say I’m so bad at all of this.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Just that…God. Chloe. I like you too. I’m just really terrible at showing it and I was so scared you wouldn’t like me back. I broke up with Jesse because he moved, yes, but also…” Her eyes drift away, first to the ground, then back up to somewhere around the center of Chloe’s face. It takes Chloe two seconds to realize that Beca is very obviously staring at her mouth. 

“Oh,” Chloe murmurs. “But you…always knew I liked girls and you never…”

“I never thought you liked me,” Beca explains.

“Why not?” Chloe asks, genuinely stunned.

Beca adopts a look of surprise at the question. “Well, I guess. I don’t know. I just—”

Neither Beca nor Chloe will ever know why Beca had been so surprised at the thought of Chloe liking her in a more-than-platonic way because Chloe decides then that what she really wants to know is what Beca’s lips feel like on hers. So she does just that, finally fulfilling years of curiosity. Beca doesn’t hesitate, lifting a hand to curl into Chloe’s hair to hold her in place.

Chloe never has to wonder again.