#pottorff

“The smile, the charm, the words, the spark, everything, you had it. I guess I had a naïve heart because, boy, I let you have it. You said I was your only, never thought you'd leave me lonely. You're just a lost boy with your head up in the clouds. You're just a lost boy never keep your feet on the ground. You’re always gonna fly away, just because you know you can. You’re never gonna learn there's no such place as a Neverland. You don't understand. You'll never grow up. You're never gonna be a man, Peter Pan” The words hurt you as they come out of your mouth but you know they are stinging Sam far more. Sam had been your love but he wasn’t a man. He wasn’t good at being the guy you needed him to be. He was sitting in front of you begging for you to take him back, but you knew you couldn’t. You were tired of babysitting.

“I can change. I can grow up.” Sam says.

You opened your laptop to  Sam’s new video. It was an annoying habit for you. You checked his channel every morning after you showered. You shouldn’t be so connected to him. It was years ago that he was your best friend. He grew up. You grew up.

“Hey guys. Today I wanted to talk to you about this crazy place I grew up in. When I was six years old I broke my leg, I was running from my brother and his friends and tasted the sweet perfume of the mountain grass as I rolled down. That moment is one of my favorite moments to think about when I’m falling asleep.” Sam speaks to you through the video. You immediately smile. You knew that Sam. You were with him. Always running after him.

“My home is such an amazing place. I found my heart and broke it there. Made friends and lost them through the years and I've not seen the roaring fields in so long. I know I've grown, but I can't wait to go home. I need to go home soon.” He continues to say.

“I think what I miss the most is driving down those country lanes and singing to tiny dancer. I miss the way she made me feel. We used to watch the sunset over the castle on the hill.” He says and you immediately start to feel a tear fall down your face. You knew he was talking about you. You were inseparable back then. You would drive all over the countryside singing as loud as possible. You mostly sang tiny dancer because it was the only song he knew all the words to. You missed that too even when he wasn’t there anymore.

“When I was fifteen years old, I remember running from the law through the backfields and getting drunk with my friends. I had my first kiss on a Friday night I don't reckon I did it right, but man she was beautiful.” He says and you were again blushing. That girl was you. You could remember that Friday night when you were both a little drunk and he grabbed you by the waist and kissed you. It changed everything. He was your boyfriend from that day right up until the day he left for LA.

“I feel like most of my friends aren’t even there anymore. One friend left to sell clothes, one works down by the coast, one had two kids but lives alone, one's brother overdosed, one's already on his second wife and one’s just barely getting by.But these people raised me. I would be nothing without these people. I still remember those country lanes when we did not know the answers. I can't wait to go home.” You thought of each friend he mentioned. The one in New York, you missed her. You were the one who works down by the coast. You thought of the one still at home with the two kids. The kids were adorable and you loved them immensely. You remember crying when your friend called you to tell you his brother overdosed. You went to both weddings of another. You wondered who he thought was just barely getting by. You hadn’t seen Sam since the second wedding a year ago. He barely even said a word to you. It hurt you too much to talk to him and he was too busy being bothered by everyone in town.

“So if any of my friends are watching this video, just know that I still love you all. I look back at our times and I smile. I would be nothing without you guys. I’ll try better to be a better friend to you all. And to Y/N, I still love you even though you won’t look me in the eyes since I left.” Sam says as the video ends. You rewatched the last minute about 8 times before it sunk in.

”Am I in love with you? Or am I in love with the feeling? Trying to find the truth, sometimes the heart is deceiving. Can't get out of my head, and I need you to save me if I am delusional then maybe I'm crazy in love with you” You whisper to yourself as you look at Sam sleeping next to you. You were worried that you weren’t truly in love with Sam, you were just in love with the feeling he gave you. The feeling of being wanted.  

“You give to me everything, anything that I could dream and at least that's what it seems. Could it be I don't know what's good for me?” You whisper again. You knew that Sam was the kind of person you should be with. He would treat you the way you deserved to be treated.

Sam turned over and opened one eye. You were surprised he was awake.

You were at a party in LA when you saw him. Your childhood teenage love. Sam was now married and you hadn’t seen him for years.

“Y/N, is that you?” He asks.

“Yeah, oh my gosh. It’s been forever.” You say with a  fake smile. Sam gives you a pick one armed hug.

“I heard your YouTube career is still going strong. Everybody loves the things you do, from the way you talk to the way you move. If by chance you’re here alone, can I have a moment before you go? Because I’ve been by myself all night long and I keep thinking I saw you and I was hoping you were someone I used to know. “ You ramble on.

“My God this reminds me of when we were young. Never quite knowing what to say to one another. You look great, like a movie.” He says.  You spend a few minutes catching up laughing.

“Um let me photograph you in case it is the last time that we might be exactly like we were.”  You say and quickly take a selfie with Sam.

“So tell me how are you? I swear you moved overseas, that’s what you said, when you left me.” Sam says and you feel a tinge of regret in his voice. He was still phrasing it like you left him when really he pushed you away. That was how you saw it.

“I was so scared to face my fears. Nobody told me that you’d be here. I uh lived abroad for a couple years but I missed LA. I moved back like a year ago.” You ramble.

“Why didn’t you call me up?” He asks.

“I couldn’t. I knew you were engaged and now married. I just couldn’t call you. It’s hard to admit that everything just takes me back to when you were there and part of me keeps holding on just in case it hasn’t gone. I know that’s dumb. I just guess I still care about you. Do you still care?” You say and Sam is silent.

“Sorry, don’t answer that. Of course you no longer care about me. I need to go.” You say and start to turn around. Sam grabs you by the wrist and turns you around.

“Of course I still care. You made me the person I am today and I’m forever grateful. I’ll always have a sweet spot for you. I’ll always care about you. I’ll always remember our times fondly when we were young. I’m so mad I’m getting old. It makes me reckless, but we were just like a movie, just like a song. I’ll hold our memories forever. “ Sam rambles on too.

“Hey everyone, it’s Sam. I didn’t want to make this video, but I feel like I have to. There’s someone who has previously been in my life and I just need to clarify some things to her. So here we go. This is for all the times that you rain on my parade and all the clubs you get in using my name. You think you broke my heart, oh, girl for goodness' sake. You didn’t.  You think I'm crying on my own. Well, I ain't.  I didn't wanna make this video because I didn't want anyone thinking I still care. I don't, but you still hit my phone up and, baby, I be movin' on.” Sam holds up his phone showing all the missed calls from you.

“Maybe you should know that my mama doesn't like you and she likes everyone, and I never like to admit that I was wrong, and I've been so caught up in my job, didn't see what's going on, but now I know, I'm better sleeping on my own. Because if you like the way you look that much, oh, baby, you should go and love yourself and if you think that I'm still holding on to something; you should go and love yourself. When you told me that you hated my friends; the only problem was with you and not them, and every time you told me my opinion was wrong and tried to make me forget where I came from. Girl just stop.”  He continues

"You know it used to be mad love. So take a look what you've done because, baby, now we got bad blood. Now we have problems and I don’t think we can solve them. You made a really deep cut and baby now we have bad blood.” You say to your ex boyfriend, Sam. You broke up with him a little over a week ago and this was the first time you ran into each other. He was with his brother at a playground you run by. He stopped you to talk telling you how he wanted you back. You were still just so mad.

“We can solve our problems.” He says.

“I don’t think we can. I don’t think you get it. Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted. Did you have to hit me, where I'm weak? Baby, I couldn't breathe and rub it in so deep, salt in the wound like you're laughing right at me.You cheated on me and then you bring that girl to a party at my friend’s house.” You say.

“I just wanted you to be jealous. I was just acting out. You know I sabotage things that are going well for me. I just miss us. We used to have the best time.” He says while looking at his little brother go down the slide.

“Oh, it's so sad to think about the good times, you and I. Did you think we'd be fine? I still have scars on my back from your knife.” You cross your arms. You just wanted to run away.

”Can’t we just start over? I am so sorry. I just want to start over. Let’s put this all in the past. In time I know we can get past this”

“Don't think it's in the past, these kind of wounds they last and they last. Time can heal but this won't, so if you're coming my way, just don't.” You say and bend down to tie your shoes. You were getting ready to run and he knew it.

“Just tell me what to say and I’ll say it. I’m just so sorry.”

“Tell me that you turned down the man who asked for your hand because you're waiting for me and I know, you're gonna be away a while, but I've got no plans at all to leave.” Sam said to you. You had been in love with Sam for most of your life but then he left for LA. You tried long distance but that never works and soon you were seeing someone else. That other guy had just proposed to you a few weeks ago and Sam found out. He asked you to meet him for drinks and you felt like you owed it to him. You couldn’t give him what he wanted though.

"You know I waited for you for like 8 years. I couldn’t just keep waiting. I have a life to live.” You say and get up from the table.

Sam was shocked. He ordered more and more drinks. He was stumbling home drunk when he called you.

“Hi Sam” You say.

“You are the only one. Just promise me you’ll always be a friend.” He slurs his words.

“Of course, we will always be friends. We have been through too much to not be in each other’s lives.” You say.

“I will only have these eyes for you and you know, everything changes but we'll be strangers if we see this through.” He mumbles some more

“Sam, we won’t be strangers. We’ll always be friends.” You try to reassure him.

“How do I get home?” He asks.

“Sam, I don’t know where you are. Where are you? Call an uber.”

“We made a fire, went down in the flames. We sailed an ocean and drowned in a wave. We had it all and we walked away. Point of no return and now it's just too late to turn around.I try to forgive you, but I struggle because I don't know how.” You say to your nearly ex-boyfriend Sam. Your relationship used to be perfect and then you started fighting all the time and soon he was kissing other girls. You wanted to forgive him so much but you didn’t know how.

”So are you saying, we’re over?” Sam asks.