#posts to myself

Now, mind you, you don't need any sort of complex justification to try out a new color, but this is just how fucked my self esteem or whatever is. My brain doesn't want to let me enjoy things.

But anyway, what happened is, I remembered when I was little, I was maybe 5, and my favorite color was hot pink. I had hot pink shorts and hot pink everything that I could find, but as a boy you can imagine my options were pretty limited. And of course, as the world tends to do, that was mostly metaphorically beaten out of me by peer pressure, so I moved on to red, cherry red, candy apple red, like a sports car. That lasted for awhile, until I tried purple. In maybe 7th? grade someone saw part of my purple underwear and that ended up being a very unfortunate experience. So I opted for a cerulean blue for awhile, and then eventually green. But by this point, it feels like I had settled on the drab dark colors of safety for a "boy" in the 90s. And that shaped me for a long time, basically until now, nearly 30 years of darkness because I learned that it wasn't okay to just enjoy bright things. And even now, I can't even just enjoy a color without worrying that it comes from a bad place.

....this much madness is too much sorrow!