#posts about m

Hate that I can't even make a harmless joke w/o mum twisting it to make out like I'm some vindictive cunt. Like??? All I did today was make a joke about how if it was my car, did that mean I can at least not get squished in the back when we have heaps of other people in the car. Following it up with me & mum get dibs on the front seat (didn't even say I'd drive, mind you) & we could chuck dad in the back. Harmless! And yet now I'm the asshole who is ungrateful & has everything handed to me on a silver platter because I'm 26 & have been given two cars. Which I am fucking grateful for!!! I have told them I am grateful for it!!!!!!!!!

But like, you want to get vindictive? Then how the fuck is it that both times I've had a car accident, you benefit & I'm left to pick up the pieces? First time around, I get your old car & you fuck off with the insurance money. This time, you've decided that you should get the insurance money again & I can go get a car with my injury insurance money. Interesting!!

Honestly there's just too fucking much going on in my life right now, so dealing with her bullshit is not awesome!!!!

Spent my entire childhood & teenage years being too fucking scared of my mum to say no or do anything but what she told me to do, so now I'm 26 and getting told "you're not a fucking teenager" whenever I dare not be happy about her forcing me to do something, or heaven forbid, I choose not to do what she commands.

So there was another "incident" in store with mum & a customer. This is the 2nd time this has happened where she says stuff that is completely out of line & it becomes a thing. But the worst part of this time? I have no fucking idea what happened & she won't actually tell me. All I know is little tid bits that she's said to a customer, not me. I tried to ask & she wouldn't even tell me because she's upset.

And look, I'm worried about her because she's upset, but I'm also pissed off that this keeps happening. All I know from this time is that she told a customer off for talking badly to her mother. Not!! Your fucking!!! Place!!!!! I mean, jesus fuck. You don't parent other people's kids. You fucking don't. Especially not when you represent this business which could so easily have its reputation destroyed if it gets out that you keep doing this.

So I found out last night that someone I used to be friends with (used to because we lost touch, no bad ending just that we were friends through tumblr - Harley & Scarecrow.) committed suicide 5 years ago. The last post he ever made was his suicide note.

I told mum this morning because I needed someone to talk to about it, she kind of talked with me about and said some good things that were comforting but then it trailed off. I silently cried at my desk because it's fucking heartbreaking and I miss him. I've thought about him so many times over the years and even mentioned him to people because we had such a cool thing going with our friendship. We loved writing together and we'd talk out of character on our blogs, and he was even the first person I gave my personal blog too. Hell, he was my first friend through roleplay and the reason I stuck to it for so long on my Harley blog because I loved being there with him & his muse.

But today, after I'd cried and managed to hide it and get rid of the tears, mum turned to me and goes, "What's the matter with you?" I just..... so I say nothing because obviously she thinks its no big deal what I told her???? And she goes "You look funny."

Like, yeah you fucking insensitive bitch I've just silently cried to myself because someone I cared for killed himself and not only that, but I found out 5 fucking years after the fact! I'm not okay! I'm fucking heartbroken and maybe I just needed a fucking moment, but whatever.

"I can tell you without a doubt that this shop will pull us apart because I'll stop holding my tongue."

"I'm always having to watch what I say to you so I don't upset you."

I love how rude mum is about her desk. Love it! I have spent all morning at work on my own, trying to get stock weighed/measured etc & in she comes with her petty comments all "so am I going to get my desk back?" just because I don't just drop what I'm doing to give the boss (because we all know she thinks she's the fucking boss of this business until it's convenient to act like she isn't.) back her seat despite the fact I'm in the middle of something.

I don't know why people think I'll ever be able to communicate how I'm feeling or what I want when I've spent my entire life being broken down and not allowed to do either of these things.

"You haven't spoken to me so I figured you don't care."

No, I haven't spoken to you this morning because I'm scared of you. I tried speaking to you last night and you just made me feel like shit, so I gave you space. I stood in my room freaking out because I was scared that if I went to your room, you'd treat me like shit again and make me feel horrible. And guess what? That's exactly what you did. You made me out to be the worst person, the worst daughter, like you'd never done anything wrong ever. I'd question whether you know how you make me feel, but I think we both know you have no fucking clue.

Are you pissed I didn't say goodnight to you last night? Because that's fucked if you are considering you very pointedly made it clear you didn't want me coming to you when I stood up & you instantly turned off your TV. Subtle!

And it's the fact you remind me that I wouldn't have anything without you. Bullshit. I would've just got a job and maybe I would've done something like this. Maybe I wouldn't have too, but I wouldn't have nothing. The fact that you think that, and worse, say that to me? You're cruel.

She just breaks me down constantly and people wonder why I stonewall at the first sign of confrontation. It's because I'm scared. I'm always fucking scared because I'm unbelievably weak emotionally. All this because I've spent my life being conditioned to roll over and submit.