#post conversion

People told me this while I was a student and I didn’t not believe them but I also felt that I couldn’t really change that much; if I’m Jewish in my soul, how much could really change for me after my conversion is complete? I expected to feel more True, more aligned, more me. But not different.

Now that I’m on the other side of conversion I can testify that you are different afterward. I waited several weeks to make this post because I wanted to feel more grounded in my new identity before making a statement like this but now I wish I hadn’t waited because some of my ability to identify exactly what’s different is lost since I’ve become so detached from my pre-conversion self.

I think a little bit of The Difference has to do with how you expect to feel after vs. how you actually feel after. I expected to primarily feel excited for all of the Jewish things that I get to do now. And I still felt that/feel that a bit. But unexpectedly, the primary feeling was/is a deep sense of responsibility and obligation. I’ve posted on here before that I’m pregnant (almost 9 months now!) and in going through the experience of pregnancy, I’ve heard parents say when they met their infant for the first time, that’s also what they felt; not excitement or even love at first. I think that’s really similar to my post-conversion experience. I’ve always felt a strong love for Judaism but it’s still a new love, and now that I’m Jewish that love is going to mature and get deeper but that requires time; so love isn’t the primary emotion anymore.

The primary feelings are responsibility and obligation. I think when I say those words, the connotation might be taken as negative (like ‘oh now I have to do all this stuff and I don’t wanna’) but that’s not accurate. It’s still “now I have to do all this stuff” but also “I’m honored to have to do all of this stuff.” I have a responsibility to Hashem and to my Jewish community now that didn’t exist before and it’s something that I’m honored to be expected to fulfill.

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Data What Me Need:<\p>

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