It took a bad accident, developing More chronic pain issues, and two weeks of feeling useless to prove to my brain that there is so much good in the world, and that most people will love you for who you are and not what youāre physically able to provide to them. If there are strings attached, then itās not whatās good for you.
(ā¦other than doctors of course. The strings are the cost. But a good doctor will love you, too. That love is praise, encouragement, and telling you to do something that will absolutely help if you actually do it.)
My fiance and her family. My neighbors. Friends Iām reconnecting with, online and off. Total strangers at the grocery store who helped load my cart when my arm stopped working and I just dropped stuff everywhere. The lady on the bus who sat beside me while I sobbed from pain and talked to me about the book I was reading me to distract me from it all. The student at work who got me to the sidewalk after the accident and sat with me until I had the strength to get up. The student from another uni who talked to me about cane recommendations and how I should never feel like Iām stealing something from people who āneed it moreā when I clearly need it at that moment. āYouāre not doing yourself any justice by saying youāre not broken enough for help. Take the damn tool, Goose Guy.ā - they said as they jabbed the goose button on my tool bag. (Iām ordering a cane. Finally.)
The ambulance driver who talked to me about anime horse girls while we rode to the ER so I wouldnāt look down at the wound on my knee that I had mentioned I was too scared to look at. My boss who stood by me and ran around the office making sure I was safe and comfortable while we waited for help, going full Dad Mode despite me being weirdly calm about it all (ā¦I hit my head and wasnāt all there to be fair). Co-workers that have been taking tasks from my workload that I havenāt been able to physically do and refusing to let me even try it alone. My therapist for EVERYTHING she is a blunt angel and I am so glad to have her.
The construction workers tearing up my street who ran over to carry my work tools to the front door when my knee gave out. The kids playing in the street who saw me crying on my walk home but asked if Iād play basketball with them since I āseemed like I needed it.ā
Two weeks. Just two weeks and thereās so many more people who stepped in or offered and all I needed to do was step back and say okay, Iāll accept the help. Everyone is going through it and most people care when they see someone else stumbling. They donāt even give it a second thought. They just do it.
I donāt know what I believe in anymore. But I do believe this was the universeās way of telling me that I donāt need to always be The Fixer. There are plenty of Fixers in the world, and youāll find them when you need them most. Itās just about accepting the help, taking the advice, and actually acting on it.
I had a student doctor the other day whose jaw Dropped when I said I do the physical therapy work at home and not just when that man is finding new ways to make me nearly pass out from twisting my arm around. āItās so uncommon, Iām so proud of you!!ā Girl Iām not gonna make progress if I only do that stuff once a week, Iāve gotta do it daily or it wonāt stick. ): ā¦and same goes for everything else.
I have to keep practicing it. Practicing accepting the help when itās offered. Accepting grace when it is offered. Accepting that some people wonāt give me any of those things in return by choice and that I donāt have to give those people as much as I have been. Because sometimes people Canāt, but they Want To eventually. Theyāre just not able to yet.
Help the people who want to help, except the help from others when itās genuine, and reserve the rest to make sure I can still take care of me.
Two weeksā¦ and I feel like the last 35 years of my life have been proven entirely wrong. Iām loved. Iām wanted. Iām not just a Fixer. I can be happier than Iāve ever been before, and itās because Iām no longer scared of being āuseless.ā Be open, be honest, and stick to people who donāt call your requests for compassion āscary.ā
