#polyday

Now me and my two primary partners (my boyfriend and my now girlfriend eep) are going to polyday on saturday!

So Awl, Crayon, and I went to Polyday in London yesterday. I have to say I am truly grateful we had the chance to go and to go together. 

I’m sure sitting in Poly 101 for the two of them wasn't essentially gratifying as a lot of it was very basic, but for me it was beyond helpful. To hear other’s fears that have in the past reflected my own. To see relationships that have lasted 16 years and to be told they still occasionally feel the jealousy and have their doubts but understanding when the jealousy is lasting and when it’s just a blip. To hear someone talking about being poly but not needing to seek the relationships and talking about trying to force themselves to find another as that’s what their partner was doing, but realising it wasn’t what they needed.

I feel like that’s what I’ve been doing over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been feeling like I’ve lost part of Awl and he’s gained so much from having two relationships. But the reality is I haven’t lost anything, if anything I’ve gained as much as he has, just in a different way. We’ve both gained a better, more communicative, relationship with each other, I’ve gained the pleasure of being introduced to Crayon and having her be a part of our lives. I’ve gained the ability to have a happy and far less closed off husband as he no longer feels he has to deny part of himself for my sake. And I’ve gained a better understanding of myself and what I need from our relationship. I don’t need another partner. If it happens and I meet someone then I shall be open to it, but it’s not something I need to actively pursue because when it comes down to it, I’m happy. I’m really happy. 

I think the Poly and Mental health talk that was given yesterday was also really helpful. My anxiety and depression have been quite bad recently and I’ve been so scared and nervous about talking to anyone about it because I feel like they would just use my kink and poly as the reasons to why things aren’t right, when the reality is these are the two things that are actually making it easier for me at the moment. it’s helpful to know that there are people out there who are open to these just being a part of life. 

The talk given by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert was good as well. Franklin talking very openly about all the mistakes he’s made over the course of his life and relationships does help. I know when Awl first came to me as being poly there was some initial requests I made that I now realise were completely unfair to him and any potential partners he might have. I wanted to subscribe to the hierarchy and know that our marriage was going to be the most important to him. I wanted to be his only ‘Kitten.’ And there were some others. And I realise now that it’s ridiculous to make these requests. That my needs are not more important that his other partners might be. That we need to take each eventuality as it comes and not limit ourselves to ‘rules’ we made before any reality struck in our world. Over the course of the last 10 months I’ve realised on my own that most of these were unfair and have apologised to Awl for them and recanted the majority. The only thing I need for my own anxiety is a heads up when things are happening and letting me know what the plan is when he’s going to be away. Just a text to let me know he won’t be home until such and such a time or letting me know when he thinks there might be an interest forming with a potential partner. I also need to know that he’s being safe, sexually and otherwise. But other than that we will take it as it comes and as long as we keep to the communication rule I think we will be ok. Not saying we both wont make some mistakes, well more mistakes. But I think we will be ok.

I also loved hanging out the Crayon and having a chance to talk to her over the course of the day. I really like her as a person and I really think she is good for Awl and that they can be good for each other. I look forward to hanging out with her, and Ferret, more and I’m glad we were able to do this. 

So, Crayon, Squee and I had a lovely time at PolyDay yesterday. There were a lot of laughs, a few tears, lots of cuddles and kisses, and met some really fantastic people... I also may have crushed slightly on one of the guys there... 

We also picked up a copy of The Game Changer by Franklin Veaux, and his first book More than Two in paperback (I started reading the ebook way back in January when we broached into the poly world).

After Squee and I got home and Crayon said she’d gotten home safe, we went to the pub for dinner and had a really long chat about how everything has been going (in fairness this started in the car as we left London).

It’s really reassuring to hear things from Squee’s point of view and it was also really wonderful to hear she’s found her place in regards to how we arrange our relationship(s) and it made me feel a lot more secure in her happiness.

I’m on a high right now. I’m feeling full of love and happiness and now I’m off to work to have all of that sucked out of me. And not in a fun way ;-)