Just because you

You were light on water, scattered and restless.

Dare: Kiss her back. I know it's scary because you're a girl and she's a girl, and yes, times have changed and you personally have zero homophobic bones in your body but this is different. this is your best-friend whose seen you in hell and whose tasted heaven with you. two in the bed on a hot summer night is not where the heat is coming from. it's radiating off the two of you because you are desperate to touch and taste and taunt each others skin. if it were a guy, would you second guess your heart? no. so push aside the way society is still subtly homophobic and stop screwing around waiting for a sign. there is no sign. Truth: it'll become addicting. You think it's nothing but her lips will be your high, after all, your father's an addict to his mistress, alcohol, and your mother to ignorance. she's your best friend so you've skipped first date and gone straight to move-in ready, she knows everything about you and still loves you! you'll tread on each other's toes a fair bit to begin with, after all, this is new to both of you, but you'll get there and it'll be better than every other relationship before it, because she gets you, and you her. it's the way her arms feel like home already and that she's been in your life for years and years that makes you become reliant on her kisses and high off her romantic confessions. Truth: you'll take it for granted. My dear, it doesn't matter how long something stays before it goes, it'll still leave. and your heart will still get broken in its wake. she is no different. she loves you now, and of course she promises forever, but forever isn't hers to promise. right now, she's swimming in the lagoon of love, where no one thinks clearly let alone in to the unknown, it scares off the amazing now. so, don't be disappointed when it turns out that her forever is defined as a few months or a couple years, she had to leave sooner or later. she out grew you, and it's only a matter of time before you would've her. right now, though, she loves you, you, YOU. cherish that. reciprocate that. and whatever you do, appreciate the hell out of it because nothing lasts forever, and nothing stays the same. Dare: spoil her with every gift you can give her I do not mean designer bags or diamond rings, I mean, spend time with her family so that she doesn't have to try to bribe them into loving you, or encourage them to make an effort - give her the gift of less stress. I mean, take her to your favourite place and tell her why it's your second home, after her of course, and tell her stories of how it become that way - give her the gift of taking the guess work out of your mysterious soul. I mean, write her letters and postcards and shopping lists, I know it's outdated and we're living in the era of instant everything, but do it anyway, go to the damned post office and buy a stamp, send it off and in a few days/weeks when she receives it, the smile on her face will be worth it - give her the gift of constant thoughts of her, not just instant and convenient ones. Spoil her with surprise Friends marathons on bad days and flowers just because and texts at 3am because you miss her and going out of your way for her. Dare: don't listen to the people who tell you she'll just hurt you Why let them ruin something that makes you so happy? They don't, and never will, know her like you do. You cannot pretend that the two of you will last forever, we all know nothing on the planet last forever, but you can try. Look, there will be lots of people who think they know what and who is best for you. They don't, how could they? You know you. Trust your heart, it's not as stupid as most make you believe it is, but humour them and use your head too Truth: She will hurt you. She's going to hurt you bad. So much so, in fact, you won't be able to breathe. So much so, that three years later your heart will still not be healed. She is going to leave you shattered in the dirt with no clue which way is up. She will say things that echo in your mind at 3am and that change the way you view the world, and yourself. She will tear you apart - she will throw every ounce of anger she has at you, she will hurt herself because she knows its the best way to hurt you, she will hurt you irreconcilably. Dare; let her go. The minute she does this, let her go. You won't want to, you'll think that your love can outweigh the pain, but you have to. Because, darling, a tiger can't change her stripes, and you can't be expected to fix everything that her mama broke in her. Her hurting you is not what you deserve, no matter how good loving her is. Her hurting you is not okay. Her leaving and coming back only to leave again and wait for you to chase is toxic and it will poison you for the rest of your life. Don't wait until your heart stops from all the toxins - let her go even if it hurts your heart, because at least letting her go won't kill it. Truth: you will fall in love again after her. I know you don't think you could ever love someone the same way that you loved her, and you're right, you won't. You will love someone in a totally new, totally different, totally worthwhile way. It may take time, so much of it you forget what it feels like to have someone's arms around you or pressed against you in bed, but you will feel that first spark of something special again. You will fall in love with the stranger that you spill your coffee on when you're running late to class - he will say that he owes you another cup of coffee and the way he smiles makes you melt inside. You will fall in love with the girl who you met at a party, both drinking  champagne to celebrate and dancing to fast beating hearts. You will fall back in love with someone you never thought you'd see again, the first boy to ever tell you how beautiful you are. You will fall in love with the girl in your apartment block that flirts with you in the elevator and makes excuses to run into you in the supermarket. You will fall in love with the man you met on a plane home, the one who sat next to you for 15 hours and listened to you go on and on about how you got your heart broken again, and he, when he proposes three years later, will retell that story and  say "I'd like to be the someone who breaks that pattern and you spend the rest of your life with." And in all these happinesses and heartbreaks and heartbeats, you will know that just because you love the wrong someone doesn't mean that you'll never find the right one, because you did.  - A Game I Know Too Well (Pt.2)

You really fucking hurt me, okay? More than anyone else ever has and that’s saying something as you know the shit I’ve been through and yet you hurt me most. Is that what you want to hear? Fine, there you go, you succeeded if that’s what you wanted, you almost fucking broke me. And you can keep telling everyone how this was nothing to you, how I was nothing to you, how you don’t even understand how you did this, me for so long, how you could never love a person like me or that I’m crazy or how I’m the worst person on this planet and you dodged a bullet with me; I don’t care. Because I know you stayed for almost a year because I did. You stayed for 11months and 23 days because I let you, because you liked coming home to someone, you stayed for that long because you loved me and you loved us and I know that.  And I get that you got scared, I get that it’s hard to admit that you ran away so that your words, you promise couldn’t catch up to you. Maybe you didn’t mean to tell me that your favourite book growing up was Hairy MacLeay and Zachary Quack, or that you never liked it when you were one of those girls who walked around with their arms linked up with their friends, or that you never wanted to have brown hair like your parents, or that you never really understood your mother, or that you loved dancing but felt too fat to keep doing it when in reality you were perfect, not fat at all. You didn’t have to tell me, but when you did, it made me feel like this was more than what you now make it out to have been. It makes me know that you’re forgetting a lot of things and that the truth isn’t that you didn’t care, because you did, you do. I want to hate you for saying what you’re saying, but you know me and I know better now, because you told me those things and so many others and now all that’s left is this anger in me that I don’t know where to put, and this sadness that leaks out of me whenever you come up in conversation with someone and nothing’s fair in love and war, anymore. Anyway. You hurt me, I wanted you to know that, because I only have the courage now that I’m out drinking a whole world away from you. Call me back when I’m sober if you want me to clarify anything.  - A voicemail vodka never left but I wish did

I want your heart in my chest - your breath in my lungs, I want to be more than a star in your cosmos;  I want to be the ocean  on your earth, the waves on your shore.

Yesterday, in sun - in bumper to bumper, inching highway, crawling to a stop, stop, stop.  I saw the moon in a sunny sky, waiting there, behind a cloud, peeking out just to catch a glimpse of standstill traffic, sun showers, car horns, and you, the star she kissed (years ago, now) and sent shooting home.