#pnigophobia

Jack nods, averting his eyes as he sucks in another breath.  Gabe waits.  There’s a shuddering in some of the breaths, surges of panic he knows Jack is trying to contain.  

“You’re doing fine, Jackie.  Keep breathing.”  

It’s several minutes before his breathing and heart rate return to what passes as normal, Gabe with him all the while, guiding him back down.  His legs feel weak, hands shaky.  He thinks he should be used to this by now, but the sensation has the panic bubbling again.

“Do you need to sit down?”

He nods and Gabe drag his desk chair over.  Jack sinks into it and looks up at his husband.  “Thank you.”

Gabe nods..  

“I came to see how you’re doing.  The situation’s a mess, as to be expected.”

Jack let’s out a weak laugh, all nerves and exhaustion.  “Tell me about it.  Gabe, we’re in even more hot water now.  They’re threatening to further reduce funding.  Several governments are looking to cut ties with us, which will no doubt encourage others to do the same, causing a global-wide problem on how we will carry out future missions.  The Prime Minister’s still in an uproar.  The media’s in a frenzy.  Half the stuff they’re saying isn’t even true.  And if the U.N. learns of Jesse’s involvement-”

“They won’t.”

“But if they do, it’s going to be more ammo against Blackwatch, against you.”

Gabe shrugs.  “If it comes to that, so be it.  I can handle whatever they throw at me.”

Jack sighs heavily, running a hand through his thinning hair.  “I know you can.  I don’t doubt that. But you shouldn’t have to. You’re just doing your job. You don’t deserve what they’re saying about you and your men and…and I’m not sure how to make them stop.”

Jack looks down, focusing on his hands, one rubbing a slow, rhythmic circle on the other.

“I feel like I’m failing you. Like I haven’t lived up to your expectations and... that every day I’m letting you down more. I don’t know what to do, Gabe.”

There’s a crack to Jack’s voice that makes Gabe’s heart ache.  He gets on his knees so he’s more level with the man, scoots in close, and rests a hand on one of Jack’s thighs.  His partner doesn’t flinch or fidget at the touch, and he takes this as a good sign.

“Jackie,” he says gently, “you haven’t failed me. Do you handle things differently than I do? Yes. But that doesn’t mean that you’re doing badly or letting me down. On the contrary, with everything going on, I think you’re managing pretty well.”

“Listen,” Gabe says, as he soothingly rubs circles on Jack’s thigh. “I know that you’re under a lot of stress. I know that you haven’t been taking care of yourself -and don’t you dare try to deny it.”

Jack bows his head and grumbles something he can’t quite make out.  He squeezes the man’s leg gently and continues.

“I also know that you keep taking on more than you can bear, and not always by choice- though heaven knows that you would still choose to do it no matter what.  That’s just how you are.”

There’s a weak smile on Jack’s face.  He can’t deny the truth of Gabe’s words.  He would do anything to make the world a better place.

“I want to remind you,” Gabe continues, “that it’s ok to hurt and breakdown. You don’t have to be strong all the time, Jackie. Don’t let others convince you otherwise. You are only human, and you are only one man.”  

He leans up to kiss Jack’s cheek.  “I’m here for you, my bluebell, and so is the rest of our family. Just like you’re always here for us.  You don’t have to bear this alone.”

“I-I know.” Jack’s voice shakes, his eyes blinking rapidly as his hand reaches up to rub at one of his eyes.  “I appreciate it,” he manages, throat tight.

Gabe pulls him into an embrace and Jack allows it, arms curving around him as he buries his face in his love’s shoulder, tears beginning to fall.

Gabe holds him close, rubbing at his back.  “It’s okay.  Let it out.  I got you.”

He presses another kiss to a tear-streaked cheek, another drop sliding down to meet his lips.  

“We’re going to sort this whole mess out, Jackie.  Together.  Don’t worry.”