#please continue on

Or maybe graduation? Because I still feel kind of like it was a let down or..anti-climatic or something. I don't know why I had this delusion it was supposed to be spectacular, but it wasn't. I mean, its nice to not have to worry about classes any longer but I just kind of wish I felt more proud about it? I don't have any pictures from graduation or outside graduation because a northern blew in that we weren't expecting and it was cold as fuck. And I kind of really wish more then just my parents and sister, and some family friends we rarely see, had come. Some family would have been nice, but I also understand that it was out of town. I don't really know why my aunt and uncle didn't go. Oh well.

And then there was work and some madness there while I was stressing about upcoming surgery and pissed off because of the lack of communication which ...somehow boiled down to me not doing a good enough job. ok cool. Because apparently I have to prod and harass people constantly to make sure things are done and communication lines are kept up. ok.

And then surgery. I've always dreaded and been really afraid to have surgery. It was like the one thing I really never wanted to do. I don't like the idea of being cut open, even if its a small bit, having foreign objects stuck in me, a needle sitting in my hand and just...all of it is very terrifying to me. And still is. And ok, yeah, this was a somewhat minor issue that needed to be resolved so it was necessary and I get that. But it doesn't make any of the above any easier or less terrifying. And I really wanted to be unconscious before they wheeled me away from my family but I didn't get that. And then a friend is messaging me about relationship advice. And I love that person to death and I'm happy for them, but really? Its probably super selfish of me, but waiting for surgery is really not the time I want to talk about pending relationships and relationship advice. Because damnit, I'm anxious and terrified and don't want to be there. 

And then there's after the surgery and the day after that I spent pretty much alone because lo and behold, I really don't have any friends that would come visit and that was a really shitty realization. It would have been nice to have like one person come sit and watch things with me, but there's no one. And goddamnit, this shouldn't be all that concerning, but the only people that contact me on fucking okc are the scum of the world and again, shitty feeling.

Then there's visiting my sister and her drama and being uncomfortable with her new boything spending the night. She says she isn't going to dive into another realtionship but I don't think she realizes she already has. It may not be a serious one, but its one. And he's a nice guy but ...ok I slept on the couch, which was okay, and under the impression he had to go to work in the morning. Morning means like 8AMish to me. Not fucking 11-noonish. And she really doesn't care if she makes others uncomfortable and no amount of explaining will ever make her see why or how.

Not like it'll get noticed anyway. Argh.

Apparently I need to be an actual bitch to make my point known. Though I thought I was pretty clear.

I'm being incredibly vague. Luckily I doubt anyone will read this. I just need to get a little bit of my frustration out so it doesn't eat at me and I can actually sleep maybe.