I posted in early October 2024 about a situation involving another content creator. I said back then that I didn't want to leave the fandom circles I'd been isolated from, that I refused to be isolated from them. I don't think that back then when I was typing those words I fully realised just how seriously I'd been affected by That Person and her treatment of me.
In the months that have passed I've noticed that I'm calmer, much less anxious, I have more clarity. I am doing things. I volunteer at a small museum, I completed one college course and am on the way to completing another, I've started going to church again (C of E!). I'm dating. I'll soon be moving into a new flat, all on my own. I've confronted and accepted that I'm trans/non-binary (and That Person's attitude towards the LGBTQIA community oddly enough prompted me to take a closer look at my own feelings and thoughts there).
But I'm also struggling with things that used to bring me joy. I'm struggling to write, be it Pieder, my OCs, or other pairings in other fandoms. I still sometimes think about all the things I wrote for That Person, things that I put massive effort into but was forbidden from ever sharing with anyone else. For crying out loud, I wrote a fic with dialogue in a language I don't functionally speak but am somewhat familiar with by virtue of the kinds of music I listen to! Now it just sits in my Google Docs because I can't do anything with it and I wouldn't dream of posting it as it contains Her OCs. I still think about the OCs, partially because of how problematic they were (which I didn't see when I was stuck in the constant VCs and the cycles of hot and cold), and partially because I still have a little bit of love for them. And sometimes I still think about Her. I don't miss her and I don't want her to come back into my life because I know that she just cannot handle other people being happy and having good things happen for them, and she would do everything in her power to hold me back. But I look at post-election America and, bearing in mind That Person's politics, I find myself worrying if She's ok, if she's been impacted by the cuts to EBT and other forms of welfare. I don't have it in me to think "serves you right for the way you voted". She's been through horrible things that made her the way She is now but She needs help and a very serious "come to Jesus" moment, not punishment.
I didn't want to let myself be affected by the situation with That Person but lets face it, I can't pretend that I'm not affected. My writing is affected, I am now more a lurker than an active creator in fandom spaces, and there is grief, there is sadness. Writing was so fundamental to me. It was how I explored things like relationships, identity, sex, love, loss. Not being able to do that has been... difficult. I don't know if I will ever be able to write fic again. I'm trying to treat this as a "new season in life", a time of change and searching, but that doesn't make it any less difficult or scary.
