#pie shitposts

(cw for violence too i suppose)

i was thinking which of my ships from this game would be kinky then i imagined all of them would be very sweet and wholesome. except 3rd tl johanjoshu. idk what those two sickos will do . just the absolute worst things to each other, bet.

joshua: i will keep clenching my ass until i see you bleed. i will not let you move until you’re hurt in some way johan: FUCKYOUFUCKYOFUCKYOUFUKYOU (he lets joshua slice his skin with the wind) 

johan: you know my dick won’t get hard unless i see you suffer  joshua: (spits in johan's face) then johan chokes him until he's blue

THEY’RE LITERALLY SO HORRIBLE EVERY TIME THEY FINISH BED ACTIVITY THEY NEED TO GET TREATED FOR HEAVY TRAUMA LIKE THEY JUST WENT TO WAR. 

kartis: ?? general, visceroy, did the enemy attack? johan, nearly in hypovolemic shock: no your majesty joshua, with 8 broken bones: no my emperor

i love the concept of johanjoshu bed activity being more harmful than battles with the enemies, and everyone in the empire knows. literally the whole universe will know because they look like they're half dead and in need of severe medical attention afterwards. 

joshua, coming to vanessa's place for surveillance and whatever the sneaky shit he does, but in a cast and limping and one eye bandaged: hello vanessa. still holding strong i see vane: did you and the general fuck last night

gallus generals: sir valenschute, go report to the emperor johan with 3 broken ribs and a nosebleed that wont stop, swaying on his feet: good evening your majesty. is there something i need to do kartis: you two gotta stop fucking like this. this is an intervention

i need to draw (in a comedic way) johan railing joshua while joshu writes reports/sends messages to politicians, saying  "weakass dog. at this rate i probably won’t come even after my weekly paperwork is finished." and then he gets hit. (he elbows johan back. hard. in the solar plexus) 

this one is from my discussion with sui.

there’s a LOT of choking involved but it’s 30% kink and 70% trying to shut each other up.  most of the choking is directed towards joshua because he just won’t shut the fuck up and johan HATES IT (which makes joshua want to talk shit even more). if johan says hurtful things joshua just raises his brows and digs his nails deeper on johan's already broken skin.

joshua's mouth never STOPS talking in that horrible condescending tone and he's always doing his stupid little smirk as he leaves johan hanging every time johan is about to finish. (he does a lot of blueballing. johan does more Violence.)