So I’m sad and drunk and it’s three am and I wrote this letter because I needed to let that shit out. Chunks pt 2 mofos
My dearest Takashi,
I had never been so angry in my life the day I found you had left our home. It was always a possibility for one reason or another. Ever since you’d received your diagnosis you were a flight risk but I never guessed you wouldn’t have given me the chance to say goodbye. I’m sure you were thinking it was best that way, and maybe it was but that pain is one I feel even still.
It surprises me, the times I still feel the sting. I’ve felt it eating the vegetables from the commissary that you always hated. I feel it every time someone else beats me in hand-to-hand. I feel it at night when the bed is too cold and I feel it in the morning when it’s just warm enough that for a second I can lie to myself and pretend you are still next to me. It’s not constant. I’m not completely tragic. Although the frequency of the burning pain has not gone down. In the four years you’ve been gone, the same things still get to me.
I write to you now because war, bigger and badder than earth has ever seen, is upon myself and my troops. Aliens are everywhere and soon enough they will overtake my men. This letter will be transferred to a necklace hollow that I will wear on the same chain as I wear your mother’s ring. Yes, I still wear it. I’ve never been able or angry enough to take it off.
I don’t know if it will be you who reads this. Or even if you are still alive for that matter but there are whispers. Whispers of a gentle giant who has a shock of white hair and travels with a group of kids that call him dad. They save the universe together. I can’t think of a man more fitting of that role than you. All I know is that if anyone does read this, I’ll be long dead. I won’t part with your mother’s ring under any other circumstance.
I thought life was supposed to be utterly unremarkable until I met you. I thought you went to school, work, settled down with a girl that liked you, and spend the entire thing looking for some kind of satisfaction. You came into my world like a tidal wave. It wasn’t even you that was so strong but the emotions you gave me. I remember my remedial hand-to-hand sessions like they were yesterday. Everytime you so much as adjusted my form I felt more than I ever had prior and I craved more every single second until I got it. You were my fucking heroin and I couldn’t ever have enough.
I’ll never for as long as I live stop being angry at you for the way you left us. For the way you didn’t tell poor Keith and drove him away. For the way you were back for a moment and then swept away again. For the way you beat an impossible diagnosis, went on to do great things, and you couldn’t take me along with you. But that’s just it. Through all that anger: since you touched down and left again, since you left without a word the first time, since the diagnosis? Through all of that there was anger, sure. But it pailed in comparison to the longing, the pain, the love, the hope.
Sure, I was never more angry than when you left but I fall more and more in love with you by the second. Even now. I just pray to get the chance to meet you again in the next life.
I’ll love you through it all,
Adam
