Joy Davidman's Lesbian Friend
Phyllis Haring was an aspiring poet originally from South Africa. Much information comes from later-in-life letters to publishers:
In her youth, she wrote candidly, she “was mad for sport, was a love-addict and ate too many people alive. Married too young and divorced too soon, because of a war-time separation – wanted 6 children and had only one.”
She also had "unconventional" desires.
Phyl had her poetry published in Poetry magazine. She had communist inclinations and somewhere along the line struck up a correspondence with Joy (Davidman) Gresham. In 1950, she came to visit the Greshams in New York.
She came at one of the worst possible times. Joy and her husband were almost at the end of a downward spiral. In an attempt to fix their problems, they were trying a new therapy that only aggravated matters. Joy was battling physical illness as well. Phyl confided in the Greshams about her sexual struggles and suicidal thoughts. Years later she would call them a "neurotic threesome."
As someone who had had mental breakdowns and attempted suicide at least twice, Bill sympathized. Emotional entanglements had historically led to other things, especially for a man already prone to having affairs. Nor were alternative lifestyles a foreign concept. Bill had had a significant affair with a bisexual woman.
When Phyl left for England in January of 1951, Joy was too ill to accompany them to the pier. When Bill called to tell her that it was snowing too hard for him to get home right away, Joy assumed the worst. For her, it was the last straw. Both marked the ensuing fight as the end of their relationship. When Joy's cousin visited months later, she found them occupying separate bedrooms.
Upon returning to England, Phyl was living with a woman named 'Sel'. Joy does not seem to have held a potential affair with her husband against her, given the fact that Phyl was unaware of them fighting over her until Bill told her years later. (Joy did not hold a grudge against her cousin for her affair with her husband either. She blamed Bill.)
When Joy visited England in 1952, she sometimes stayed with Phyl and Sel. When Joy returned to England a year later, now in the midst of a divorce, Phyl was still a friend. On at least one occasion, they had lunch with C.S. Lewis. (Lewis' best friend from childhood also had some "unconventional" leanings.)
In one letter, Joy wrote:
Jack had to come to London the 27th to take part in a debate; and we took him to tea at the Piccadilly Hotel beforehand. (His suggestion; my organizing work; my parents' dough.) We had [Phyl and Sel] too; they are having a hard time, but had had us to tea and been very nice...
When she was living in London, Joy often visited the couple and watched their tv. Phyl's son played with her sons.
Phyl continued to struggle with suicidal tendencies. After a short stay in a mental institution she found a therapist who helped. Joy expressed doubts about the Freudian approach, but was encouraged that Phyl was doing better.
Phyl described her relationship with Joy as a dramatic one. She said they disagreed on almost everything and argued constantly, but they remained friends. Indeed, by 1956, Joy was pretty much the only friend she had left. Joy's cancer diagnosis caused an argument ceasefire (in letters, as Phyl had returned to Africa a few months before). Phyl admired Joy's courage in the face of her impending doom. She said it was an honor to have known her.
After Phyl moved back to South Africa she opened a swimming school. Sel moved with her. It's unknown what happened between them beyond that. Her son Robin died prematurely in 1963. This, understandably, caused a relapse. She again struggled with depression.
A book of her poems called A Taste of Salt was eventually published as part of a South African poets collection. Phyl said she liked to let things almost 'bubble up' inside of their own accord, and her poetry does give off an almost "passive author" vibe. At least some of her clashes with Joy were undoubtedly over poetic theory.
At least one academic has tackled the topic of Phyl's work. Much information here comes from that article. In one letter she wrote:
For me the natural world is far more important than the political or religious, or anything, since it encloses us all. If I have a faith at all, it must be more or less the same faith a tree has, & wish I had the same acceptance of the ills of the world. When it is time to die, I will console myself with the thought that in any case in my life time there is no understanding, pity or love between people and things. So, call me a crank!
In an earlier letter to Bill, Joy wrote:
Phyl often asks about you. She's in South Africa now, working hard and sending Robin to college - has got over her worst troubles and is trying to write children's stories... She is also flirting with Buddhism and seems to have the impression that Christianity rejects the world while Buddhism affirms it, but she's a nice girl all the same.
Phyl died in 2016 at the age of 97.
