#phuljari posts

web weave ft these two

• José Olivarez, Citizen Illegal • Nitya Prakash • Richard Silken, Crush

web weave ft these two

• The kiss sculpture, Vienna Central cemetary • Jenny Slate, Little Weirds

web weave ft these two

• Rainer Maria Rilke, Love Poem • Martha Gellhorn, Selected Letters

arnav emulating khushi for *clears throat* completely valid reasons (even though it was okay when he did it? *cries dramatically* are you okay sir?)

of course, it would have been discussed numerous times before, we all know what happened and when it happened. i'm thinking more along the lines of why it happened this way. why did it take him so long to realise that these visceral reactions he has over her did not really stem from a place of hate, that hate was just a byproduct, a reaction, because he didn't realise what his emotions meant.

that it was altogether a new feeling, to be so consumed with thoughts of someone (whom you supposedly dislike). he tried so hard to run from those feelings, misdirecting them to hatred, disgust, apathy and what not. it was new— an unknown feeling that made him uncomfortable. i think in a way this echoes what i said earlier too, that arnav never really believed in love. which is why it took him ages to figure out why the hell he was so obsessed with someone who shouldn't even matter to him. i think what he hates the most about feeling attracted to khushi (aside from the fact that he never imagined himself with a girl like her? ie. see how he berates her: status, class, money, god-fearing etc) is the way she makes him feel— weak. and that's the feeling this man has rarely, if ever, felt for anyone outside his family.

also, elaborating on the statement that arnav didn't believe in love (even though no one asked for it lol), it is imperative to add that he has seen love exist, only barely, with nana-nani or whatever stories he heard about them and between mama and mamiji. but what else did he also see? that his dad cheated on his mom. that anjali's first wedding got broken off. and even though anjali was relatively happy with shyam— it wasn't a relationship he had experienced in his childhood, which is generally the time when your experiences shape you the most. so maybe he believed that love exists, to some degree, but not the whole unfiltered ~i would die for you~ love. remember how he convinced mamiji to accept payal? with the 'raizada' reputation? so he hadn't really experienced the best examples of love either.

unlike popular belief that arnav never felt deserving of love, i think that he never completely believed in it. especially not for a man like him who has to be careful around every turn because everyone around him is expecting to benefit from him. remember, this man is hella confident, and believes completely in himself (almost to the point of narcissism, esp in the early ipk days) and his ego is justified, afterall he did do a lot by himself and he's not bluffing about any of it. this man doesn't doubt himself, he could have anything he wanted. even love— that lavanya was willing to give him. but he doesn't believe in his ability to love, not after what he had seen with his parents.

which is exactly why this new confusing feeling, these obsessive thoughts about khushi, the way he felt weak and defeated in front of her was so absurd for him that he couldn't even realise that he was attracted to her. (with her, he has realised his ability to love, to want someone so desperately.) but instead he kept challenging her in order to make her feel weak and defeated. projecting much, sir?

and to be fair, arnav has mostly been a man of his words— truthful. if he said he didn't believe in love before he experienced it with khushi, it means he genuinely didn't. anyway, that's my take.

i have so much more to talk about this man!! for example how his diabetes is literally a metaphor because he can't have 'sweet' things in life?? 'sweet' here literally meaning happiness! happiness translation: khushi. and having diabetes compliments his character so well too? like he was cruel, cold-hearted and bitter (esp about his past, that he never could overcome) and so it aligned pretty well with khushi's 'meetha khaiye meetha boliye' kyuki arnav ko toh meetha bolna hi nahi aata! usse toh meetha mana hai na!

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