#phonediary

Looking at it now (now that I'm crippled with a broken foot and I'll be studying in a wheelchair for three months): People are really nice. Why? For what reason? Maybe because it's sad to see someone slowly climb a hill with her wheelchair and they can't help but feel guilty that they're not helping? It just takes a portion of their time to help me out which is truly a good deed. Thank you.

So Don and I have agreed upon the time in which we will get our first tattoos. I want two. They will be both in white ink. The first tattoo I want is a white equal sign on my left index finger facing me. The reason for this is that I have been struggling with finding myself, defining my sexuality, and I have finally, as a freshman in college, accepted completely that I am not straight. The reason I say this is because while I know I am not straight, I do not know whether I am bisexual, gay, or other. However, nonetheless, I will love, and should be given the opportunity to love, as equally as any other person in this world. I have suffered for too many years, trying to accept myself, trying to know if others will accept me and I think it’s that time for me to receive the right acceptance of who I am. This tattoo is to represent how encapsulated I am to follow my heart. I don’t want any societal judgments or expectations to stop me from loving and being with whomever I want. I want to not be afraid to love, to be myself, to express myself, to let others know who I am. I want this tattoo to be representative of my inner courage, my inner pride, that yes, I am bisexual/gay and I am proud. So if people ask I would be able to say yea, this tattoo is an equal sign, representative of the LGBT community and my sexuality. It represent a lot of things. In addition to all this, it is also a sign representative of balance. I think this is such a good symbol for me because all this stress all these worries about my sexuality, about who I am, is not something I should be stressing about. I am human, I was born like this, it’s not like I can change it. As I finally acknowledge and accept myself for who I am, though I still have many things to figure about myself, I am working towards balance. Balance for myself. Stability. Assurance. This tattoo is representative of many things: I’m gay/bisexual, I want balance in my life, I support LGBT rights, I believe in equal marriage rights for all persons. However, I also want the color of it to represent something as well. I want it white because my parents wont be able to see that I got a tattoo against their will and my promise that I wouldn’t get one hah. No, besides that, on a more serious note, I want it white because it represents my past, and I guess the present. Seeing that it's white, it’s near invisible. It represents my past in that I was, and still am afraid to tell people that I am bisexual. It is a part of me that is not perceivable in my life. People don’t know this about me. However, the representation of putting it on my body, for people to see is my symbolization that I am taking that extra step to tell people this part of myself. It’s a once-you-look-closer, you can see who I am. As I mentioned before, I want it to be something that, if someone were to find out that I have a tattoo and ask what it’s about, that I wouldn’t hesitate to say that I am bisexual. If I were to sum up this tattoo in one word I would have to say it represent equality. The second is a white anchor. I am still deciding on whether it should be on my left or right hand on my middle finger, facing me. This anchor is a tattoo I am getting with my best friend Don so we’ll be matching. For me, this anchor is representative of the friendship Don and I have together. It’s for him really. He is my rock. He keeps me stable like an anchor keeps a ship from sailing away. He was the first person I told that I liked girls and he kept me sane. Don is seriously my best friend. I can tell him anything and he is there for me, he listens to me, he accepts me for all my faults. He is like the yin to my yang, the pea to my pod, the peanut butter to my jelly. He has kept me anchored in.. Life. When I was going through the whole, I’m gay/bisexual freak out phase, he was the first person I told and he accepted me with no hesitation. In fact, he knew I was going through this phase and that I liked girls before I even knew/acknowledged it. He talked me through a lot of things like the phases of, first it’s realizing, and then there’s the anger, then the acceptance, then the innocent, oh I just like girls I don’t see myself having sex with them I’m just in like with them for the emotional, then oh hot damn these people I just wanna f, and yea. Okay those stages aren’t very exact but, he knew what I was going through and he supported me through all of them as I worked to find myself. Don has been my best friend since 7th grade and that relationship has only grown stronger as time has gone. Even though we have moved to different schools and only talk to each other every once in a while I want this tattoo to be representative of him, for all of his support. Not all of it is representative of him. In general, this anchor is representative of me and my conviction to not stray from who I am. This does not only mean my sexuality but also my morals, my beliefs, my faith. I explained my sexuality part through the equality sign, and indeed this anchor is also representative of those things. This anchor is also my convictions in my beliefs and faith, in myself. I am not a religious person, but the thing that I do believe and have faith in is myself. I want to have security and not stray from believing in myself that, I can do anything that I put my heart to. However, it does not mean that I am rigid. Just as an anchor holds a ship down, there’s still wiggle room. I don’t want this to be representative of ignorance and believing that whatever I believe in is set and stone. The things, beliefs, etc I know now are not rigid, they’re fluid. Something I believe now may not be something I believe in the future and that’s okay. As long as I am faithful to myself and being true to myself, I want to know that I will be open to anything. I will be open to understanding others, that I will listen to others and not immediately dismiss what they say because it goes against what I believe. I think if I were to sum up the symbolism of the anchor is that it represents the stability I want AND have in my life. These two tattoos represent many things. And as you can probably see they often overlap in meanings. These are just some of the things they represent and why I want to have them. The things they represent can change with time. It’s not set and stone. Just like I said with the anchor tattoo, these ideas of what they represent are fluid and can change meaning with time. And so.. I can’t wait to get these tattoos! We’ll be getting them in a week or so when Don gets back from school! 6/8/14

I have a lot on my mind about the next few months to come. I’ve been inspired by the last few days because of everything I’ve been through including spending time with family taking time to appreciate things in life, and accepting who I am. I think this break I have fully accepted that I am who I am and I can’t change it nor do I want to. I came out to A.N. about liking girls yesterday and not only was knowing that I was accepted feel awesome but also that I shouldn’t be afraid to be me. I shouldn’t hide or pretend to be someone else. I like girls. For my next quarter in college I not only want to receive good grades of course, but also make an effort to let it be known that I am bisexual. Don’t let pain, both physically and emotionally, stop you from trying new things. It's okay to feel vulnerable sometimes.

So I was just going through this OneNote app and I saw my post on 'First Day of School' And guess what today is? Okay in reality it is not the last day.. I guess depending on how you look at it, the last day has either past or is coming up in a few days. Today is Sunday, and my last official lecture was on Friday the sixth. However, it is finals weekend and I have three finals coming up this week. I can’t believe it is.. About* the last day of school. Like I said on “First Day of School” this is surreal. My first year of college is over. I’ll be moving out very soon and I’ll be saying goodbye to all the friends I met this year as summer break finally surfaces. We had our last day of Jumpstart on Thursday and I can’t help but think that that was the last time I would see the preschoolers we had worked with for an entire year. Jacqueline, Jocelyn, Delfino, Bryan,.. All these kids.. I will always wonder how they’ll have grown up to be, if they remember me, if I had some impact on their lives in some way and it’s saddening yet also.. Invigorating. This accomplishment is something I should look on as a positive light. Dr Seuss said “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” and I think I truly go by this.. While I really enjoyed my time as a Jumpstart teacher, a first year college student, and everything else that I was/did this year, I’m not crying. I’m smiling because it happened. How awesome. Big events that happened.. I’ll probably be remembering this one for the rest of my life besides anything.. Broke my foot on October 22, Tuesday, 2013, in the first quarter of my first year as a college student. Nearly 8 months later.. I still feel the effects of having two surgeries and not really doing ANY physical activity. However, this summer I will workout and get back in shape! In fact, after finals week, I’m finally going back to play in the adult basketball league again! Woo! I’m excited, yet also really scared because I literally have not done any rigorous exercising ever since my injury besides a slow mile here and there and a single open gym in which I was the slowest person on the court. But anyways, that is probably the biggest event. What else.. I met a whole bunch of people.. I lived away from home for the first time ever (although I did come back nearly every weekend—besides Final weekends).. I attended a KG concert and Drag Show on the same day… I worked with Jumpstart… I received a pretty decent GPA.. Oh, I guess I should mention this, I fell for so many straight girls (However! I had managed to at least one point in time, introduce myself to all them, which is quite the damn accomplishment I believe *props to mee*)… and so much more that I cannot think of at this moment. haha