#phoenixdreams

Well it has certainly been an eventful year!

I want to take a moment to talk about simply that, a moment.

It’s funny, when memory starts failing you, how important a moment can be. Sure, certain events, both joyful and traumatic, latch onto your memory like a leech, but I’ve always been a firm believer in the permanence of little things holding the strongest sway. I may not remember a breeze I flew through, but I remember how it felt to fly.

If only there was some way to capture the moment of the breeze, and frame it onto my wall to forever solidify the memory .

Enter “S”. “S” is honestly one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I don’t think they could ever know how much they have impacted my life in such a short period of time. Do you ever look in the mirror at your reflection and are both enthralled and terrified at the strange person looking back at you? “S” is that person. I have never been more intrigued and pleasantly surprised at someone before. And to have this person have so much in common with me makes me both curious and excited. They’re a photographer, and why that’s important will come into play later.

You remember when I said emotions and me just don’t get along? Well that whole “R” thing burned me up. But I am, after all a phoenix, and when fate destroyed my every bone in a fire, “S” came in and gave me life again.

I honestly owe them so much. “S” reminded me of the person I used to be, back when my heart beat for everyone and the world around me, the part of me I missed. It was like I was breathing again for the first time, and the air couldn’t be more fresh! The way they kissed me, the way they gazed into my eyes and saw me as more than the bird struggling against the storm, but my potential, my very soul. And the feeling gave new strength to my bones. And all I could think of was showing this little bird that I would do anything to make their flight the best one.

Now back to moments. The other day I had one of the most relaxing and comfortable moments that I have ever felt. I was watching a TV series that I enjoyed, turned off all the lights, lit some candles and opened the window to have a smoke. The feeling itself was both freeing and calming and made me feel truly at peace and for that moment all the rocks that burdened my wings were as air. When I dropped off “S” after about an hour of watching this show, I open my text messages to a picture of this moment, taken by their camera phone, with the caption “A picture to commemorate”. I didn’t have to tell them about anything, they saw me having that moment and knew I’d like a picture to commemorate it. It was a small gesture but it almost brought me to tears.

In fact, every moment spent with them is a moment and memory that I don’t want to forget. I’m finally feeling alive again and “S” may never realize how they jump started my heart into existence and changed me for the better with the power of a moment. And all I can do is make their moments better, for I owe them more joy than they could ever fathom.

Making moments,

I usually love this type of weather. The fog encircling the campus, the leaves changing colors, the raindrops falling in a constant array of aesthetic beauty, and everything that paints the picture of a fall day. But with recent events and my early-October depression kicking in, it's as if a veil of sorrow has fallen over my face, clouding me from the world. The world clothed in orange and yellow hits my colorblind eyes and turns it to gray. Life seems to drag across the ground like the leaves shuffling between trees.

The whole travesty of the enigma of where I'm going in life falls out of my mind and into my emotions. Yet, even in my colorblind world, not everything's black and white. Which my dad reminds me of every waking moment. I have two weeks to come up with his impossible financial expectations or I will have a view of this weather every day and night from the cold of a park bench. October is Quidditch month. Our first tournament is this coming weekend and our team is worried and unprepared. Our second tournament will raise my stress levels by 175%. I am no longer staying with 'A' and will be staying with the rest of the team in whatever dorm they throw us in. My main excitement for the tournament revolved around seeing and spending time with "A", but now that that's no longer an option, I'm looking at an immense amount of alone time with myself, all this a week before I am faced with homelessness.

This last weekend I almost died. I was a passenger in a fatal car accident, the crash was so bad that I shouldn't have even survived. But I did. My body aches and even the smallest task such as typing a text post is painful. And my normal University chill spot has been replaced with staring eyes and shushed conversations when I enter the room. I can stand the conversations, but not the stares. The hatred, anger, and judgment projecting out through the atmosphere drills deep into my mind, shattering through the veil and implanting itself on my soul like a tumor. I hope this changes soon but I'm not getting my hopes up.

Sometimes I feel like a baby bird looking out at the world from a branch on a tree. The wind howls past my ears and the open sky looks both freeing and foreboding. But in all honesty I'd give up use of my wings to crawl back into the safety of my nest and shut myself off from the world but, alas, I have grown too big! The nest can barely hold me now and I know I'll have to take a step out into the world of the unknown as reality shivers down my spine like the cold breeze. My heart is pounding as I walk towards the edge of the branch. I look out into unfamiliar territory and the world of infinite possibilities seems to me like the exact opposite of where I ever want to be.

Suddenly, the wind jolts the branch and knocks me off my perch. All of a sudden I'm falling. I wasn't prepared. I have one wing out, flailing in the wind, and the other bent awkwardly at my side. I know I have to push that other wing out or that's it. I'll meet my unfortunate fate on the fast approaching ground below. I strain, struggle, the wind gusting out laughter as it swirls around me, pushing my wing back down to my side. And then it hits me. Determination.

With every ounce of energy I have left in my body I thrust my feathers out, pushing past the wind into the unknown air. Instantly, my wings catch the wind and I hear it applaud as it gracefully guides me away from my tree into the impending unknown of the rest of the world.