#phil hellmuth

phil hellmuth, for context, is 6’7 and has been married to his psychiatrist wife (katherine) since 1990. he’s also known as the ‘poker brat’ because he’s a whiny little bitch with a major tilt predisposition.

HOWEVER, i choose to believe that he has flanderised himself purposefully knowing you don’t get famous by being a usual, reasonable individual (my proof for this is how sweet he seemed in the ‘89 WSOP video, and his instagram in recent years where he basically just posts about how much he loves his sons, alongside the occasional ai self-edit. boomers :/).

i am optimistic enough to believe that whilst he can be, and often is, selfish and rough in taking his tilt out on you, he’s for the most part just cocky and not truly mean (do you think his wife would put up with his shit for 36 years if it wasn’t good??).

he’s a big boy — and he’s surely packing heavy. i think he’d probably have you top for the majority of the time to account for his low stamina consequentially, but lowkey, i feel like you’d be struggling to fit him in any other way. he’d also rather just bottom.

his strokes are almost certainly cervix bruising when he does top. he’s never in any particular rush about anything, so he fucks you slowly, deeply and punchy so that you will be feeling him for the next couple of days after..

..because phil hellmuth has a jealousy and marking kink! he would suck deep purple marks just beneath your jaw so they’re impossible to hide if you ever decide you want to talk to any other guy whilst he’s at the table. sorry babe! he’s obsessed with the idea of a ‘lasting effect’.

i’m mixed on if he would actually be dominant and possessive, or if he would lowkey be a cuckold. maybe ‘laissez-faire’ would be more appropriate. it’s all good fun either way on both parts. i imagine him to be a genuinely pretty loyal partner. if he ever were a hoe, there’d still be some domesticity and exclusivity about it all, i’m sure. you’d always go back to him eventually.

he uses lot of pet-names and phrases bordering on humiliation in the bedroom. he wants to get a rise out of you, to hear you talk back to him, naturally.

‘tell me how much you love my cock, baby,’

‘yeah? that feel good, honey? tell me how good it feels,’

‘if you want me to keep fucking you, you’re gonna have to keep talking to me, doll,’

phil hellmuth has a major receiving praise kink. he’d probably get you to role-play as a servant or something like that — sexy secretary sucks off her big boss man under his desk type shift. he needs to be worshipped.

i, therefore, do not think he would be very into eating for his own pleasure — i think he would actually probably get bored of not receiving anything at the same time. if you’re particularly good, you might be able to negotiate a 69. any low effort, high pleasure position is ideal for him.

but if he ever got you particularly annoyed with his antics, which would be a fairly common occurrence, i’m sure he’d be more than happy to make it up to you. insert video of him eating that beef sandwich sideways here.