hellooo!  exciting news abounds!  as of 11/29/2017, i have officially finished PhD applications!  i got the confirmation e-mails for the remaining schools, Maryland and UCLA, on my way in to work and about cried tears of relief.  finally—and with certainty—i can say that i have put forth a solid application.  all i have to do now...IS WAIT.  which, despite how much i usually hate waiting games, actually sounds like a welcome change.  i've been busting my ass on applications FOR 9 MONTHS, so the ability to sit back and have the ball in someone else's court sounds pretty swell.  we shall see.  now, i just need to hold tight and hope hard that the relief will continue through to march and april of the upcoming year.  i arrived at work in a kind of haze, my head dancing around the completely self-constructed ideas of what my life could look like in Pittsburgh, Miami, Los Angeles, Baltimore, or New York, and stayed in that cloudy space for most of the day.

it's weird to sit back and think on this process... the countless—and i mean COUNTLESS—hours of pouring over research to add to my writing samples, uselessly studying math for a GRE i'd bomb anyway, and reading and proofreading my personal statement over and over and over again seem so long ago.  but also so near.  i remember being beat tired in my old office in W 456 GH and putting on new kettles of tea to keep burning the midnight oil.  what a process.  but it's really hopeful and beautiful, too.  one of those "strength in the struggle" kinds of deals, if you will.

ironically, the day i finalized my applications, we learned our assistant director, Pam, would be leaving UIHC in january.  it was a devastating blow, despite all of us wishing her nothing but the absolute best.  we all respect and adore her to the ends of the earth.  this, coupled with my newfound PhD applicant status, solidified my desire to explore new places and passions.  i think it may have spurred Cassey into a similar headspace, as well.  she told me Pam's leaving really got her thinking, and i've heard her speak about potentially leaving a lot more since that day.  before Pam's announcement, it was mostly me toying with the idea and joking about it to her.  since i don't want to put too much pressure on her, i've largely scaled this back, but have found her to bring it up much more frequently than i'd have thought.  i'd be lying if i said it weren't a huge relief to think Cassey might move with me; lord knows no one else can keep me together. 

but alas, we wait and see.  i have that feeling i always have when i accomplish one of my longstanding goals: i am not exuberant or jumping for joy; i am instead filled with a sense of quiet, content, and validated calmness. 

hellooo.  some interesting new advances: i taught my 1st class!  i taught sara's 3-hour "death and dying: issues across the lifespan" class on 8/28/2017.  she was out, gallivanting around chicago for some reason, so i got to swoop in and get some teaching experience.  sara said earlier that this semester would be difficult with teaching that course, as she is pulled in a million different directions.  and from there birthed the idea that i could tag along with the class for the rest of the semester and co-facilitate.  like...WHAT?!  a dream come true.  added bonus: this experience will help my phd applications!  naturally, the day following class, i edited my personal statement and cv to include these updates and sent them off to hunter college to replace my old ones.  

i sit here, calm and contemplative, as i reflect upon my journey through life thus far.  at times, i felt like i was being dragged along, kicking and screaming.  oftentimes, i felt as though i didn’t know where life was taking me (still feel this way frequently), and the anxiety over knowing what i liked but not how to apply those passions felt insurmountable.  i’d always loved school and have excelled at the more right-brained/abstract material for as long as i can remember.  it took me a long time, but i eventually found an arena in which i feel so natural and comfortable when a very dear friend and mentor showed me social work. 

today’s feelings come largely from beginning one of the processes i’ve most wanted since being a little kid.  neither of my parents attended college; as a result, my family struggled financially and a large emphasis was placed on formal education to become a “skilled worker.”  i worked hard and am humbled to have earned two bachelor’s degrees and then a master’s.  today, i completed my application for my dream phd program.  i submitted my application this past sunday (30 july 2017) and today emailed the remaining essay that could not be uploaded to the application portal.  my eyes welled up with tears as i got the confirmation that the essay would be added to my final application. 

full disclosure: i’ve loved school since day one and respect higher education immensely.  part of this is personal gratitude, as i get to delve further into the convergence of two of my biggest passions: education and social justice.  notwithstanding, these personal interests are inextricably related to altruistic reasons for wanting to pursue doctoral study, which underlies academia’s ability to extend across systems to benefit those in need.  this is carried out in a variety of ways, from teaching young scholars how to work with clients to conducting academic research that influences funding allocation or program development.  driving progressive systems forward to maximize potential benefit is where i find the heart of social justice.

mind you, i have not been accepted… mind you (part II), i submitted this application a full six months in advance—but what an exciting journey to watch unfold.  the application deadline is 1 jan 2018 with applicants usually hearing back by early april 2018.  this leaves me with the prospect of frantically checking my e-mail every day for the next eight months, which—while dreadful—is a pretty sweet place to be.  other applications to follow.