#phanonfic

--- Save me I'm drowning so deep in the darkness I'm waiting for your touch to stop this There's smoke blinding us with goodbyes ---

Dear Phil,

Is all he manages to get written as he stops, ink from the pen staining his paper white fingers. He can't remember the last time he went outside. He can't remember the last time he talked to a living, breathing person. He can't remember the last time he talked to Phil.

He wishes he could remember all of things. He wishes that they had never fallen apart.

Danisnotonfire was no more. His sarcastic, entertaining character was gone, lost in the endless, dark abyss of his own mind.

Now, Dan Howell was all that remained.

Or perhaps that statement wasn't completely true. The face of Dan Howell was what was left, an emotionless shell of a man who used to appeal to and amuse millions of people across the globe.

They still pretended to care about him of course, but Dan didn't believe they truly minded that he had vanished without an explanation.

The last time he let somebody in, they destroyed him piece by piece.

He couldn't let that happen again.

Dan sighed, twirling the pen around in between his fingers before giving up once more and gently setting it down on the paper. Perhaps it was time to stop writing to someone who didn't write back.

Standing up, he looked to his shut curtains, stopping the light and sounds of London city from getting through. He didn't need reminding of his ex-best friend every time he woke up, so he kept them closed constantly.

People had come to him straight after Phil had left. They had told him not to shut himself away, to speak up and ask for some help when things got too tough to handle. They asked for him to continue his YouTube career, but how could he? How could he fulfil the audience's demands when they didn't have a clue about what he was suffering through? How could he deal with their ignorance and shallowness daily?

He had tried, to be fair.

For about a month after Phil's abrupt departure, Dan had accepted almost all invitations his friends gave him gracefully, but perhaps that was because the horrifying truth had not truly set in yet.

Phil was gone.

Dan say in his empty apartment, torn apart by a silent scream.

Alone.

--- And I Keep hope 'Cause this feeling's different And I know I've staggered so long that it can't know Alleviate me I'll be fine In time ---

It was one year since Phil had left when Dan started to improve, even if only slightly. He could still remember the harsh words that had been exchanged between them, but they scared him less and less every time he thought about it.

His friends has all been pleasantly surprised when he had come to one of their fancy YouTube parties with a smile on his face.

"It's just like the old Dan is back' they had said. Dan hadn't agreed, the old Dan had Phil. They had always been together. Without Phil, Dan would never be Danisnotonfire again.

His YouTube channel began to pick up again, with him uploading almost weekly now that he didn't really leave his apartment. In the videos, his joyful, slightly cynical persona had reappeared, but many of his fans had sensed a change in the way he acted on camera.

Dan had been afraid to start up YouTube after abandoning his channel without any explanation, but his friends and followers had welcomed him back with open arms.

It always hurt to see the notification.

'AmazingPhil has uploaded a video : Boyfriend Tag'

Dan had watched the entire thing, watched as his ex-best friend appeared on screen, giggly and beside another boy. The boy had brown eyes and brown hair, a flawless complexion. He was so much better than Dan. Phil had always deserved better than Dan, he had always know.

So Dan smiled a sad little smile.

Phil had found better.

-- Please remember that I miss you Young and reckless What did we do? Broken promise Gone forever Maybe one day we'll get better --

It was a year and a half after Phil left that Dan bumped into his childhood friend, Jason. A friendly chat soon turned into a coffee shop date being set.

It was good, hanging out with somebody normal. Somebody he had known for such a long time.

He had missed him.

It became much easier to smile, to laugh. It became easier to hang out with friends.

It no longer hurt to hear Phil's name.

People, of course, asked him 'Where's Phil?' when he crossed them at conventions or on the streets, and he simply just smiled now and told them.

Dan's lips touched Jason's.

Phil was gone, and for once, Dan was okay with that.

--- Right by your side That's where I'll be In a heartbeat If you ask me Let's stay strangers Like we're meant to Oh I wonder if you miss me too ---

Jason proposed three years after Phil had left. Dan, so overcome with emotion, had cried and stuttered out a yes, embracing his boyfriend. The wrong person.

He ignored it, chanting 'the right person' over and over in his head. Jason was the right person. He had to be. He had been the person to make Dan feel alive again.

Some days Dan wondered if he and Phil would have been married by now.

He had never had the chance to tell Phil how he truly felt.

---

Find me I'm waiting right here where you left me Still shredded and bruised but I'm breathing Be brave for me, ignore their eyes Just try ---

Wedding bells rung loudly throughout the church on December 5th, 2022. Dan swallowed hard, facing the fact that finally, he was getting married. Married to the man he loved the most.

Taking a couple of brief deep breaths to calm himself down, he smiled. This was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, the best day, and it was.

At least, that was what Dan told himself over and over, repeating the words like a mantra in his head. He knew he was marrying the right person, somebody who loved him and cared about him and was willing to spend the rest of their human existence by his side.

Fixing his clothes slightly, Dan paused, letting go of a breath he didn’t’ even know he had been holding, before confidently stepping through the church doors. He hadn’t really ever wanted a church wedding, but Jason’s family had insisted. It had taken them a while to find a good church that would agree to marry them, and due to the amount of work they had put in to finding this place, Dan had reluctantly agreed.

He looked up to Jason, standing at the altar, and the breath left his entire body.

---

We're dancers, and I've picked petals looking for answers, and I've received these edges from chances. Indelible, but I'll be fine. In time

---

When the priest asked if anybody objected to their marriage, Dan knew there would be nobody. After all, everybody thought they were the perfect couple. Everybody except Dan. He wanted to scream, wanted to say that he regretted this already. He couldn’t. Here he was, being married to a man in a church of a God that he didn’t believe in. This marriage would never work out on his part.

He would never fully love Jason, and he knew this. Dan stayed quiet, not even daring to speak up. To speak up now would be disastrous. He would be hated by everybody here, especially Jason, and he honestly wasn’t sure if he could cope with losing another best friend, even if it meant having to promise his entire life to the other.

Jason couldn’t leave.

Not like Phil.

So Dan stayed quiet, eyes turned downward to stare at the church floor, heart beating faster than it had before. Tears pricked at his eyes and he wiped them away hastily. Most people would hopefully assume he was crying from sheer happiness, and that was exactly what he would let them believe, even if it wasn’t true.

It hurt, and Dan would never heal from this type of hurt, because it’s a type of hurt that strikes you again and again, every day. It won’t ever loosen it’s grip on you, and yet, nobody else can see it.

It’s the hurt that comes with being alone.

It’s the hurt of losing someone you loved.

---

Please remember that I miss you. Not caring is so hard to do. Everything we loved together, it's not the same without you there.

---

The morning after the wedding, Dan was sat at the edge of the fancy, four-poster bed in the hotel room. He and Jason had both decided to hold their honeymoon in Japan, as they had both always wanted to be in the cherry blossoms with their lover when they were little. Dan hadn’t had the heart to inform his husband that he had already been here before with someone else.

Quiet sobs wracked Dan’s frame as he looked across at Jason’s sleeping form. He never loved Jason, ever. In a way, this was the ultimate lie. Not that he’d ever let his husband know, because Jason was happy, and he deserved happiness. If that meant Dan had to be sad, then he could put up with that.

He had lost his chance at happiness when he and Phil had stopped talking. He couldn’t ruin someone else’s chance.

Wiping his tears with his sleeve and sniffling almost pathetically, Dan stood up, throwing on his grey shirt, jacket, boxers and jeans. Next on was a pair of plain black socks and his shoes. Being as quiet as possible so as not to wake the sleeping Jason, Dan stepped out of the hotel room, and out into the streets of Japan.

Immediately, he was struck with nostalgia.

He was frozen, unable to go any further.

Shutting his eyes tightly, he turned and ran.

---

Feels like you were just beside me. How did time go by so quickly? Now we're strangers, but I miss you. Oh, I wonder if you miss me too

---

It was an entire year into the marriage when Dan and Jason started arguing. Their normal bickering took a wild turn, and Dan couldn’t hold his feelings back any longer. Seething, he hadn’t cared about Jason for a single second any more. Perhaps this was why he had lost Phil.

“I hate you, Jason! You selfish bastard!’ he had yelled, and before he could notice that Jason had stopped returning insults, stopped responding, he had finished up with, “I never loved you! I married you out of god damn pity, you fucking asshole!”

Once he had calmed down a little, apologies flew out of Dan’s mouth, but he could see by the look on his husband’s face that it was already too late for apologies. The truth was out there now, no matter how badly Dan had tried to hide it.

They agreed that it would be best to get a divorce, and Dan pretended he couldn’t hear Jason’s sobs later that night.

---

Please remember, don't forget me. I'll be leaving this heart empty. Burn our bridges, are you still there? All these endless circles do nothing.

---

Jason had left Dan’s life completely almost immediately after their divorce, and Dan really couldn’t blame him.  After all, when somebody treated you badly, you don’t stick around for another round. It hurt Dan to watch Jason walk out of the door, but now it left him to try and find what he had been missing for too long now.

In a brief moment of madness, Dan scheduled a train to Manchester, wanting to visit those streets one more time. Just one more time, then he would leave the past in the past and move on. Perhaps seeing the city would allow his memories and thoughts to leave him alone.

Hurriedly, he packed his bags and was at the train station early the next morning, heart thudding against his chest as he boarded the train. This journey was too familiar.

So he sat on an almost empty train, missing the person that should be beside him.

---

And I don't know, why I can't just let you go. Can we go back? Can we start again? Because I need you. Oh, I wonder if you need me too

---

Dan stood, in the middle of Manchester, rain beating down upon his pale face as he gazed up at the clouds. His brown eyes were glazed and his breathing was shallow. This place held memories, the only truly happy memories he had, and despite coming here for those memories, part of him wished that he could just forget.

Footsteps splashed down the street behind him, before stopping, but Dan wasn’t paying attention. Lost to the world, he sighed, breath coming from his lips and forming small, white clouds, which disappeared as fast as they came.

“Dan?”

Dan froze and his heart skipped a beat. There was no way… not after all of this time!

Shocked into silence, he spun around, chocolate eyes meeting the blue ones of the person standing in front of him.

“Phil?”

---

Please remember, I still think of you and I. Tell me what does this all mean? Are you even still there? These circles do nothing.

---

They stood, like statues, not moving, almost not blinking. It must have looked rather odd to anybody else in the street. Two people, staring at each other, as if not believing they were really there.

After a moment, Dan took a few cautious steps forward. Phil stood in front of him, but he looked older. Looked almost wiser, and a little bit guilty. Dan paused, he wasn’t sure whether or not to move further forward. What if Phil didn’t want him back? What if their chance encounter was to be left at just that? A chance encounter.

Then, Phil opened his arms wide, a smile on his face, just like the ones Dan used to see every day, and Dan couldn’t hold himself back.

As soon as Phil’s arms were around him, he was home.

---

And remember, I've been waiting. Ever since this started aching. Now we're strangers, but I need you. Oh, I wonder if you need me too.

---

Dan couldn’t have been happier. Tears gently pricked at his eyes, and he could feel a couple escape and roll down his cheek. Snow fell from the cold air, starting to coat the city ground in a soft layer of white.

Christmas Eve.

Looking upwards, Dan’s eyes caught onto Phil’s face, and he smiled, a real smile, not like any of the ones he had given anybody else in the past few years. This one was filled with compassion, filled with love.

He may not have been able to fix the past, but perhaps, just maybe, he would be able to secure their future.