#pfeiffett

he's just not gonna tell them. he doesn't wanna watch tommy, shocked, start calculating the damage to whatever white picket fence life he'd planned. he doesn't wanna see the pity in dan's eyes as he explains that he'll do whatever's right, but they need to keep this mess far away from obama. he doesn't wanna stand there like an idiot while jon immediately goes down on one knee, even though a marriage of obligation is the last thing a romantic like jon would ever want. lovett knows that maybe each of them wanted him for one night but none of them want him for a lifetime. he's just not that kind of boy.

"look, it's time for me to follow my dreams," lovett tells dan, who nods supportively and doesn't mention that lovett is the only real dream dan's ever had.

"you don't need me here, not really," lovett tells jon, and then, because jon's just staring at him without saying anything, lovett launches into a bit about how many speeches he's basically sabotaged anyway, and really he's leaving for obama's sake. "you're what?" says jon, slack-jawed, after a few minutes of this. it's like he hasn't even been listening, so lovett snaps, "ask dan," and stomps out of the room.

"if i'm ever gonna make it in la, i gotta start now," lovett tells tommy, who claps him on the back awkwardly, because he doesn't know how to touch lovett any more, not since the time he asked lovett on a real date and lovett laughed at him and said, "jesus, tommy, give me a break." 

lovett doesn't want to ruin anyone's life so he goes to los angeles and drops out of touch. he's busy being a hollywood sensation anyway – his new sitcom's a giant hit (shut up). eventually a picture of lovett in the park with a stroller ends up online and that's how jon and tommy and dan find out lovett's a dad. "good for him!" they say, but it's embarrassing when obama asks them for details and they don't have any. it hurts, that lovett didn't even tell them he was expecting.

they read lovett's interviews. every time he's asked about his daughter's father, lovett says that the father was an astronaut who never returned to earth, or a foreign spy on a dangerous mission, or a scuba diver rarely seen on dry land. every couple of years jon or tommy or dan go to a party in la or ny, the kind of party an award-winning screenwriter might attend, and wonder if they'll run into lovett, but they never do. he's always out of town, or on a shoot, or across the country, or across the world.

"do you ever wonder, like. who the dad was?" jon asks tommy once.

"some asshole, i'm sure," says tommy, looking vaguely into the middle distance.

none of them know. neither does lovett. his daughter is four by the time trump is elected and she's got dan's flair for strategic thinking and tommy's knack for keeping a secret. on the other hand, she has a gap between her teeth and doesn't know how to read. anyway, lovett hasn't spoken to dan or tommy or jon for years, so it's not like it matters.

meanwhile, tommy and jon and dan are podcasting, but it's not really catching fire. sometimes they just feel like—well—hacks. it's as if there's a big hole in their podcast right where a more searching analysis of political culture or a monologue delivered in a bad russian accent should go. they want to feel useful to the new wave of democratic activism, but they're not sure anyone except their moms is listening.

one day in 2017, after a particularly limp recording session, dan sighs deeply, yanks off his headphones, and says "this isn't working." even jon, the optimistic one, can't argue with him. so they brainstorm for ways to get people listening. tommy could give away security secrets. dan, the communications expert, could give relationship advice. jon could take off his shirt. but after they eliminate every other possibility, it's tommy who finally says it. "we need lovett."

it's like a taboo has been broken. they haven't talked about him in years. after all, each of them thinks he's the only one who slept with lovett. each of them thinks he's the only one with a broken heart. all they know is that lovett won't answer their emails or take their calls. while dan and jon process their emotions, tommy's busy googling. "next week he's dropping his daughter off for her first day of kindergarten," he tells them. "he'll be alone and he'll be emotionally compromised. this is our chance."

dan remembers the night lovett spent in his arms. lovett seemed so vulnerable and trusting. then the next day he pretended not to remember dan's name. "it seems kind of creepy and intrusive to just turn up at his house," dan says.

"look," says tommy, his heart beating faster at the thought of seeing lovett again. "do you want to beat trump or not?"

dan and jon look at each other. "we do."

and that's how lovett returns home to find the three of them sitting on his doorstep. what follows is a giddy romp in which a simple invitation to a podcast spirals into psychological breakthroughs, hidden agendas, feather boas, secret love, actual earthquakes, and freaking the fuck out, with crowds of mysteriously appearing and disappearing los angeles peasant folk who manage to be present for the most intimate revelations and plot twists. at the end, the guy gets the guy, and while to be true to the original source material the guy you wanted lovett to pick would have to become heterosexual for no reason and the other guy would have to be revealed as emotionally stunted and afraid to commit, in this version of the story the two guys who don't end up with lovett can have each other, it's fine. maybe you never find out who the dad is and you're like wtf i feel strangely unsatisfied but at least once lovett joins the pod it’s a megahit so whatever.