#perspectiveoflife

What if today is my last day on this earth, what if I only have a few more months to live? What if I keep holding on to a hopeful future but will be gone earlier than expected? These thoughts randomly pop up especially when my health doesn't feel great.

My immediate thought is "Dang... I haven't done anything useful in this life. If I end up dying will God even accept me?" I haven't prayed for a long time... I haven't read the bible properly, and I don't know any bible stories...a very lukewarm Christian. From my previous post "Lesson#1" by reading you can understand, that I haven't achieved anything great either in life or I have passion/knowledge on certain things that fuel my everyday life. I have lived 1/4 of my life between 4 walls, with the internet & food that I relied on to numb any pain.

I am slowly starting to think that even if I haven't achieved anything great in life or seen great things in life, the least I wish I had done was spend my days learning the Bible and getting closer to God. And I know it's not too late to do that either, but somehow, I am in that giving-up stage of "I'm not even sure if God exists."

I think I cried many times hoping he would give me a sign, vision, or dream to have some sort of hope. But the more I think about it... I didn't even put in the basic effort of reading the bible or praying consistently. My mind keeps playing and ends up having thoughts like "Mhh yeah I will read the bible... but it easier to just numb with some videos.. "

A lot of these issues are within me, having a negative mindset for everything, not having enough willingness to live, no hope in life, etc... And I am simply "hoping" things will get better and then I will be fine. But a lot of these require actions or small steps that will help me to be a better person. I need to learn how to be persistent in pain and sorrow, resilient under pressure, kind to myself and others, and live in the present to see what's happening in front of me and not just be all in my head.

I can "dream", "hope", and "wish" for a lot of things and cloud my head with these thoughts, and I realize I become numb/sad when these certain wishes I made don't come true or are anywhere near happening. What is the point of sitting around and wasting my present to be up in my thoughts and asking God to give me a sign/vision etc. When I can ... I don't know? enjoy my day by simply being present, reading the bible, and thanking God for another day.

Tomorrow really could be my last day but I simply wasted my today by whining, crying, and being moody within my 4 walls just because whatever I wish/hope for is not working out. I could have made an amazing meal, I could have gone for a walk to soak in light. I could have helped my family out, talked to them, I could have enjoyed a nice cup of coffee, I could have prayed, and thank God for every little thing in my life. It's really that simple yet it's very heavy and hard in my mind to do these little actions and prefer to keep dreaming/hoping for things to turn for the better.

Hi, welcome to my blog :) I thought of blogging while I was on a walk. These are the times I usually start to have some talks with myself to understand what I have been rambling on inside my head all day. Hopefully what I share and understand about my life, might help some of y'all.

All my life I grew up thinking, I was not good at anything. And I still think that is true, nothing has changed. I never developed any good habits, I don't have any special skills and I am definitely not smart. With that, I am someone who is not good at drawing, singing, dancing, or anything creative and someone who is not interested in politics, current affairs, physics, maths, and the list goes on...

So, I started to think, what the heck am I here for? As humans, I should have something to look forward to in life. I always hear people say, "I took a risk and my life turned out for the better". I am so glad I started doing this XYZ as a hobby, now it's my passion". All my life I never had anything that I wanted to risk for or turn something into an opportunity, it has been and will continue to be mundane. But I noticed that this mundanity is a blessing and privilege. I started to realize, that the skills I possibly "lack" don't mean I lack as a human being nor I don't have a purpose.

There are definitely some skills or passions that cannot be gained as an individual but there are infinite things we can do in this world that possibly don't require skills or money even!

I can't draw at all but I can doodle? isn't that easy to do and requires no skill. I hate going to the gym and suck at using the equipment but I enjoy walking and recently running has been quite interesting. Isn't that easy to do as God has blessed me with 2 legs to run and 2 eyes to see the beauty around me? I am not good at speaking but I enjoy talking to my family and people I meet in life who make me comfortable, isn't that easy to do? I don't enjoy reading at all especially pieces of literature, news, or science-related topics, but I do find a bit of interest in reading stories about people's lives. It's not hard to start as a habit of reading 5 pages compulsorily every day or on a train ride which then will make you curious to what's the ending of the book and compel yourself into reading the book automatically.

I really think a lot of us see other individuals living with full passion for what they are doing at work, or as a hobby, and makes us think what are we even good at? Obviously, our brain will go into that negative spiral and say "Nothing" and then we will associate ourselves as humans with no skills unknowingly.

And that is not true at all, we don't necessarily need "skills" or passion to drive us every day or look forward to in life. Little things like this will bring us joy and that little joy if we keep repeating and building it in our everyday routine, we will slowly start to look forward to doing it, and then who knows one day that might even turn out into the so-called "skill" we lacked as a human!