So I was cleaning out my room a few weeks back, and I found old sketch books from when I was in middle school/high school. And like, I wasn’t a half bad artist?? Yeah the beginning wasn’t great but towards the back of the sketch book wasn’t bad. It was mostly an “anime” style but...so was most of things my friends drew and everyone had to start somewhere but like; It had like...actual shading and detail and I tried to copy folds in clothing and actual poses and stuff, like i wasn’t awful. I showed my mom and was like “yo I didn’t actually suck, who would have thought haha right?” And she was like your dad and I told you that you were pretty good. And I was surprised, like genuinely surprised
I mean, my friends in high school treated me...pretty crappy (though in their defense they had their own stuff going on, we were all young. Most of them are better people now) but I’m kinda just starting to realize how...much of an effect that had on me. And just tonight I was talking with my bf, showing him pictures of a dress I adore from one of those cheap websites, and I was saying how I don’t normally trust the sizing cause it goes by Chinese dress sizes and such but sometimes when they have pictures I try and find a model whose shaped like I am then go off that. So I showed him a model and was like “see she’s the same size as me, so I can get a better idea. I’m pretty sure the dress will fit” and he...was like “no way that girl looks like you, she’s at least three times your size” and I had a really hard time believing him (tbh I still don’t, I think he’s blinded by love but not the point or maybe...part of the point?)
I just....keep thinking about how I see myself you know? And...it’s a little jarring. I consider myself many things (kind, empathetic, pleasant, a pretty decent teacher) but good at something or particularly attractive are not something I think of when I think about me. I can sing, but I don’t think I’m good. I can play an instrument and read music, but not well. I’ve always liked art but I don’t consider myself any good, short of a doodle. I like writing, I enjoy writing stories but nothing I write is worth much, I understand basic computer things but not enough to do anything useful. I’ve always loved photography but my photos are hardly anything worth standing out. Like I don’t have anything I can say “yeah that’s my thing, I’m good at that thing”. At least I don’t see anything.
I guess my point is that...I’m starting to realize (at flippin 26, like talk about to old for this shit) other people see me DRASTICALLY different from how I see myself. And I’m not sure how to feel about that....
