#personalhell

Im 25. Trans man. Living with my parents.

Here i am. I came home one day i came home.

They say hi hello. Continue through each day each day. Each fucking day is perfect for them, each day, they dont worry about anything, each day they dont sit and wonder about how they will make money, each day is the same, perfect day.

Its 642pm.

Hi hellos were exchanged today as well. But today, today was different. Today was hi. Today was hows your day, today was crying shaking vomiting on the floor, today was looking at myself in the mirror and realising im still alive and telling myself its okay to be scared, today was his and hellos, forced smiles and laughter, today was full of pain, today was full of suppressing the tears and want, today was full of crying screaming hiding in a pillow vomiting on it, today was hiding the pillow, today was wiping off what i could from it, today was pain.

Today? Sucked.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Maybe tomorrow will be a perfect day.

Maybe ill get a perfect day tomorrow.

Its 648pm.

Time never mattered alot to me.

But you matter to me. So now its one of the things i keep watch of the most.

Its 649pm.

But i need to go do chores i signed and agreed upon to do in the household that i voluntarily live in, but i need to go do chores i signed and agreed upon to do for my parents, as if i dont, i will be fined money. Which i see no problem with.

Its 650pm.

Its not that i need anything from it. Its not that i hate everything. I just you would love me like you should. Maybe this is just how i receive the love from my parents. Maybe this is just how my life is. Never will know what people mean when they say they are going out with their parents having ice cream because they can. Because they want to.

Its 6:52pm. Now... I can't leave.

Now, i can't fathom a life without my parents and its hurtful to me. Its so hurtful. I want to leave. I want to get out. I dont want to have to continue to live here while they have the todays that are perfect. I no longer want to be here.

Its 653pm.

And im terrified of telling them i want to get married one day. Im terrified of telling them i wanna move out soon. Im terrified of telling them i wont have my room done in time at the end of the month and ill owe them 50 dollars and 10 dollars for everyday there after they deem my room isnt to the state they wish it was. Im terrified of them breaking my things. Im terrified of them kicking and punching me.

Im terrified of my parents.

But mentally i cant leave.

Help me im stuck.

Im stuck in my own mind.

I can be free. But i cant move.

Somebody fucking push me.

Please hurry...

Its 656pm...

Its just another day. Just another today.

Its 657pm...