#personalbloggin

Until next time. Thanks for being here.

I just want to keep typing or writing and getting things out, but I can't find the words.

I combat mental illness everyday. Anxiety tears at my being and I fight to stay on top of it with counterfeit confidence. I struggle with depression because even when I happy, it's still there, nagging and dragging me down. I feel like I need someone to talk to everyday, but I don't want to inconvienence anyone, so I struggle along alone. I combat physical ailments, I don't have the energy to keep going sometimes, my knees don't work right, my eyes are losing sight more and more everyday. I feel nauseous most days and I have to fight not to gag. I combat my emotions. My emotions are so strong and vivid that I breakdown over them constantly. I fight with sadness because I can't help but feeling like a constant fuckup. I fight with my happiness because I feel like I don't deserve it. I fight with love and I supress it because it can tear me apart. There's so many things that I can't handle, but I'm still here. I still forge forward onto the ever breaking dawns and sunsets that come my way. I fight because maybe one day I'll find someone that can help me in ways that I can't help myself.

I fell in love with a girl that I can't have. Not because she's unavailable, but because she doesn't deserve me. SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER. Fuck...

But I have never known a fear such as this. This could quite possibly be the sum of all of my fears. The big one that knocks me on my ass and destroys me.

The people who have been the closest to me won't understand how they've helped me and how they've changed me. They've worked on me from the outside in and I'm better for it. I let this happen and not everyone is happy with me right now, but that's okay because I'm happy with me. I'm happy for the things that have happened during the last few days, the last week, the last month. All of it has changed me, I'm still me, but I'm a better me. THANK YOU. JUST THANK YOU.