#personalaf

This past week I made the decision to start working on it. I have horrific trauma of exercise and gyms. From being put on diets at 10-11 years old because I was starting to look fat. Being put in the car and told "we're going to Disney world" only to pull up at weight watchers. Counting points and weighing in every week with disappointment in my mothers and step fathers eyes. I remember my senior year being a size 10 and it being completely unacceptable. I remember being laughed at by my family for not doing better or knowing how to work out.

It

Fucked

Me

Up.

Tonight I did a dance work out and it was really good. I cried the entire fucking time and just relived trauma but I did it and I'll do it again tomorrow. I'm proud of me.

That was all.

Thanks.

I dont usually make personal posts on here but i need to. TNTS Major Crimes has been one of my favorite shows for the last 6 years. I finally watch last nights back to back episodes. Im broken. Im hurt. Im angry. Im sad. Im...im numb. I knew it was coming but nothing prepared me for the heartbreak that ive just witnessed. I need much more than the next episodes. No i could only use one. One to show that Sharon Raydor and Andrew Flynn finally go to Ireland and let them be happu for fuck sakes. I need the squad and Rusty to be happy. I dont need to Bullshit arc of the heart and soul of this show to be dead. Im angry at TNT. At James Duff for letting this happen. Last night was a night of crying and tonight is a night of numb sobbing. I can not put into words how saddened i am. She was family. Its hard for me not to be a little salty at Mary. But i love Mary too much to throw her under the bus. From The Closer to Major Crimes its been fun. To the MC family. I feel your pain and i am here to talk about our pain. To the cast and crew of the shows, i say thank you (except james ur an ass). Major Crimes and Sharon Raydor will forever be apart of me.

why did i have to be triggered?

why’d i have to have flashbacks of fucked up memories?

why do i have to remind myself, family and friends of what i deserve?

why does no one see that i’m so exhausted?

why does everyone assume i have no problems?

why does no one want to take care of me?

why do people expect me to take care of them?

why’d my last relationship have to be so fucked up that i have to analyze everything before finally reacting or functioning?

why’d i have to chance it my recovery?

why do i have to actually like her on top of that?

right when i learned to smile again on my own, got blessed with an addition, why was it all wiped away in less than 10 mins?

why does it still seem like a joke to her … ?

Why do I miss her?

Start differently.

Pretend.

Keep moving.

Learn new things

Smile.

Keep going

It's all okay.

It'll be better.

I don't know though.

It just seems the same.

Maybe elsewhere is better.

It's not.

Many fucking reasons why but I can't write/type them out...just know you....are "my type"....and so much of what I want.

You say, share, and give me looks that make me wonder if you feel it...but I can't.

But I'd do a lot....a lot to show you if I could.

Fuck.

One side the kids are unaware of all the true fuckery and they love their parent whole heartedly.

Then the other side is them not seeing the shitty choices and stupid stuff they do. That does and does not affect them.

I don't believe in belittling the other parent in front of children no matter how much they suck.

So you have to wait till they see it for themselves and make their own opinion.

Do not fuck with me.

I'm not the fucking one.

I will slit your throat and wash my hands in your blood.